Even the most macho male can admit that cuddling in bed is pretty rad – unless your arm gets trapped underneath a pile of pillows, losing all blood circulation while your girl sleeps easy. I never thought somebody would have the brains or patience to solve this problem of all problems, but I was wrong: here is a list of superior snuggling tips.
Step 1: Spoon
Falling asleep in the ‘spoons’ position is likely to result in a trapped arm for ‘Mr. Spoon’ – (i.e., the one doing the cuddling), as he will have less space to position the lower arm comfortably. It is his arm that will go dead, while his partner drifts off into a beautifully secure and comfortable reverie. The only merit of this position is that ‘Ms. Spoon’ is likely to fall asleep quickly, giving you the chance to take evasive action.
To remove your arm without waking her, hold her close and gently roll her away from you, moving with her rather than pushing her away. Once she is re-positioned comfortably, roll yourself back to your original position and you should find you have the freedom to remove your arm easily.
Step 2: The Shoulder Roll
If the Classic Spoon isn’t working, turn your body towards your partner and rest your upper arm round your partner’s waist and your lower arm behind you. Your arm position means you are leaning on your partner for support.
One potential issue is that if you are much larger than her, you might crush her, but at least you’ll sleep well.
Step 3: The Superman
If the Shoulder Roll isn’t comfortable, try a technique that takes a little forethought and planning. You need to position the pillows lower down the bed than usual. Now assume The Classic Spoon position, but move the problematic lower arm above you, under the pillow and out the other side so it is stretched over your head. You are now in the Superman flying position.
This has advantages – if you can’t sleep you can pretend to be Superman. Or if this doesn’t appeal, you can use the outstretched arm for texting, playing computer games or reading French poetry…all while she is sleeping.
Step 4: The star gazer
Legend tells of a really comfortable fleshy bit to the side of a man’s chest. How fleshy and how comfortable depends on the size of the man.
So take advantage of this by forgetting the spoons positions above, and lie on your back. Now encourage her to find your fleshy bit with her head, and use it as a pillow. Intimacy? Check! Comfort? Check! This position could be a winner.
Please note that to increase the size of your fleshy bit, you may need to eat a lot of junk food and cut down on exercise. All for her sake, what a perfect boyfriend you are.
Step 5: The pragmatic approach
If all else fails, initiate a massive argument before you go to sleep, so your partner won’t want to be anywhere near you. Have some flowers and croissants ready to make up in the morning, and prepare for 8 hours of dreamless, pain-free shut-eye…on the sofa.