Have you ever found yourself so bored with the shameless repetition of holiday specials that you crave some violence? By about the billionth time you’ve seen A Christmas Story, you really do want Ralphy to shoot his eyeball out with that bee-bee gun, complete with blood and gore. The holiday season can leave us all quite a bit jaded with the overload of cheer and glee to the point of being toxic. For that kind of depression, nothing brightens up one’s day more than a horror movie to turn this festive time of year on its candy-coated ass. Here is a list of some much needed counter-programming.
Santa Claws (1996)
A young man finds his divorced mother having sex with a man in a Santa Claus hat and shoots them both dead. Years later, now thinking he is Santa Claus, the man develops an obsession with an erotic horror film star named Raven and begins stalking her. We couldn’t find a trailer, just this highlight reel of the lead actress. Is it possible that the movie about a stalker has a stalker? It’s been described as a “tour de force of erotic horror”. Makes us think of we might just get a “fear boner” watching it.
Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)
Somebody with very little Christmas spirit is killing anyone in a Santa suit one holiday season in London, and Scotland Yard has to stop him before he makes his exploits an annual tradition. Now, if only this dude could murder every person that plays Vampire Weekend’s “Holiday” on repeat at the office. I smell a remake.
A young woman discovers she’s the focus of an evil experiment to create a race of super little men. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and a renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus who’s their only hope for survival. I been saying this for years, the Chinese better watch out, those real life Santa’s workshops they have over there will probably end in revolutionary bloodshed.
You Better Watch Out aka Christmas Evil (1980)
This is the story of a boy who is permanently scarred when he learns that Santa isn’t real. He becomes obsessed with the behavior of children and the quality of the toys he makes. His efforts are thoroughly criticized and met with skepticism, which ultimately drives him to go on a yuletide killing spree. Is Christmas the most depressing season of cheer ever? I swear I’m knocking out the next guy I see in a Santa suit… just to be safe.
Black Christmas (1974)
Despite the title and date of release, this is sadly not a Blaxploitation film. What it is, however, is a surprisingly good slasher film that actually predates Halloween, which many claim started slasher genre itself. During Christmas, a bunch of sorority girls are slowly picked off inside their sorority house by a killer who is never seen at any point the movie. The characters aren’t one-dimensional or as stupid as you’d expect for a slasher movie and there are some awesome POV shots from the killer’s perspective. But do you know what the most shocking element of the movie is? It’s directed by Bob Clark, the same director of the family classic A Christmas Story.
Santa’s Slay (2005)
Remember Goldberg? The crazy bald wrestler. Not Steve Austin, the other one. Anyway, Goldberg plays the son of the devil, who apparently lost a bet and had to spend a thousand years as Santa Claus. He finished his sentence which means now he can run around making puns and killing people in a satirical holiday fashion. This includes running them over with reindeer, burning them to death with hot coals, chocking people to death with wreaths and impaling Jewish people with a menorah. One of his first victims is Fran Drescher. That should be worth the price of purchase alone.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
If you watched your parents get killed by a dude dressed as Santa Claus, ended up in a Christian orphanage where nuns beat you and forced to wear a Santa suit for your crappy retail job, wouldn’t you go on a killing spree? That is exactly what Billy Chapman does in this straight-up revenge-on-the-naughty slasher flick. It’s like Death Wish if Charles Bronson dressed in a Santa suit, used an axe and instead of murdering criminals he kills people who make-out at their retail jobs.
In the sequel, the holiday horror continues as Billy’s brother, Ricky, seeks revenge on the society that killed him. The film is generally regarded as one of the most ridiculous movies ever made mainly because the actor who plays Ricky hams up every scene. The first half of the movie is flashbacks from the first movie and the other half is Ricky’s ridiculous revenge quest. The quintessential moment is when Ricky goes on a rampage through a suburban neighborhood, commonly referred to as the ‘GARBAGE DAY’ scene.
The movie gets bonus points for Ricky being completely, over-the-top insane. It’s also the only movie I know with an axe-wielding Santa Claus shouting ‘MOTHER SUPERIOR’. If you’re looking for a movie that takes a large dump all over Christmas while laughing, this is the movie your sick little mind has been waiting for.
Jack Frost (1997)
Although the Jack Frost with Michael Keaton as the voice of the snowman is pretty horrific, I’m talking about the campy horror class from 1997. Jack Frost is about an evil snowman that comes to life via the soul of a serial killer and kills people. It’s that simple, that ridiculous and that much fun. If there is one scene worth watching for it would have to be the Shannon Elizabeth shower scene where she is raped by a killer snowman. No words can describe the allure of this scene. It has to be seen to be believed.
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