The Girls of Black Swan

Black Swan” released in select theaters this past Friday. It’s directed by Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler, Requiem For a Dream) stars Natalie Portman, Winona Ryder, and Mila Kunis. We never thought we’d say this, but we’ve never been more pumped for a ballet movie. If you haven’t seen the trailer or heard the hype, Portman has a sex scene with Kunis. You read that correctly. Thank you, Fox Searchlight. Those two would be sufficient enough but the producers poured it on with the likes of Janet Montgomery, Ksenia Solo, Kristina Anapau, and classic beauty Barbara Hershey. It’s got our Oscar vote for Best Picture!

Oscar nominee, hiney barereco-friendly actressvery hot vegetarian, and dangerously hot ivy league alumni Natalie Portman has never disappointed us. A rare combination of beauty, brains, and personality, Natalie continues to make our crush grow even more stalker-ish (among other things). Even with sh*tty dialogue she made Padmé Amidala respectable and her SNL rap remains at the top of our “Best Of” playlist. Enough of this, Nat, will you marry us? We could do it at Sundance! They love polygamy out there.

Mila’s one of the sexiest sitcom stars of all-time and the woman who made us forget Sarah Marshall. She’s also the voice of Family Guy’s perennial punching bag Meg Griffin. How awesome is she? Black Swan hasn’t even released in the US yet and she’s already won an award for her performance. She makes Jennifer Jason Leigh performance in Single White Female look like Joy Behar  on The View. We’d ask her to get in on this polygamy but she hearts Macaulay “Mack” Culkin. Her next film is comedy Friends With Benefits with Justin Timberlake, Woody Harrelson, and Emma Stone.

Though she’s on our list of Celebrity WAGS Most Likely To Murder, it was purely in jest. You see, Winona’s our emo crush. She’s delicate, meek, and has big doe eyes that will melt your face. Yes, she was arrested for shoplifting, but we’ll always remember her for stealing our hearts. Plus, did you see her in The Ten? She laid the wood on some wood (read: she had sex with a puppet). Makes us think we actually have a shot.

Janet’s a 25 year old actress best known for her roles in The Hills Run Red and Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead, as well as her role as Eric Murphy’s assistant Jennie in HBO’s Entourage. She’s also appeared on an episode of The League and plays Ames on Human Target. Here’s to hoping she’s targeted by more casting directors so we can avoid withdrawal.

Ksenia’s a 23 year old Latvian/Russian actress who comes from a family of dancers, so her role as Veronica in Black Swan should come as no surprise. She won 2 Gemini awards playing Zoey Jones on the show and currently plays Natasha on the CW drama “Life Unexpected” and Kenzi on the Canadian supernatural TV series, “Lost Girl.” We find her eyes to be mesmerizing, but that’s to be expected. We have a staring problem.

Kristina’s a 31 year old actress who Stuff magazine named to their 50 Hottest Women To Watch and Sexiest Women in the World lists. She graduated from high school and started her first year at the University of Hawaii at the age of 15! What have you done lately, you slackers! Her TV credits include Without a Trace, Monk, House, and CSI: NY. She won an award at the Phoenix Film Festival for her part in the 2005 THINKFilm release “Self Medicated”.

Barbara’s about halfway towards her EGOT (Emmy, Golden Globe, Oscar, and Tony). She won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for her lead role in the miniseries “A Killing in a Small Town” and earned an Oscar nod for her supporting role in “The Portrait of a Lady”. She named the son she had with “Kill Bill” star David Carridine “Free” and is currently dating Lost star Naveen Andrews. At one point, she called herself “Barbara Seagull”. Her and Ochocinco are made for each other! Too bad he’s now off the market.

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