Clothes Make The Man, These Make Us Vomit [RENATA’S RECOS]


True story: I saw a guy getting off the subway recently wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.” After I finished vomiting in my mouth, I laughed and thought – he definitely doesn’t have a mirror. Or a girlfriend. But, it got me thinking about the things that no male should ever have in his wardrobe and I thought I’d pass along my female wisdom to help some brothas out. For your sake. No – that’s a lie, for our sake. We’re the ones who have to be seen with you in public after all.

9. Man Jewelry

That’s right, I said it, man jewelry. Most girls don’t like guys who wear more accessories than we do (unless you count those who flock to guys like The Situation and Pauly D, in which case bling away, my friend). Chicks don’t want to see you wearing chains, bracelets or rings that don’t come with a marriage license. Is your name Liberace? No? Then put down the baubles, boys, it’s not helping you get any action.

8. Studded Belts

Unless you’re the lead singer of The Strokes or play drums in Vampire Weekend this look is probably too indie rock for you to pull off. And speaking of rock stars….

7. Skinny Jeans

Call me crazy, but hooking up with a guy who either A) wears a smaller jean size than I do or B) needs nail polish remover to get his pants off because they’re practically painted on is a turn off. And it’s probably bad for your junk, too. If you’re on a record label, girls will probably make an exception to this rule, though.

6. Ironic T-shirts (see above)

A noteworthy addendum is that even fraternity tees can be deemed creepy if worn past age 30. Who wants to date the guy with the receding hairline wearing a shirt from the “Show us your panties” Greek Week event 2002? Not this girl.

5. Ripped Denim

There’s only one guy who ever got away with this and he was on TV with his sister named Blossom. Whoa!

4. Fedora Hats

Strictly reserved for anyone with the surname Jonas or Timberlake. Plus, they only work when accompanied by a pinstripe suit – and if you’re not Dick Tracy or wearing a Super Bowl ring this counts you out.

3. White Shoes

The Godfather of all male fashion flubs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, unless you’re a deckhand on the Love Boat, this is not acceptable footwear. You’re a man, damnit, act like one.

2. Red/Pastel/Plaid Pants or Loafers with no socks

Girls associate these things with guys who sip single-malt whiskey and have “the 3rd” after their names *shudder*.

1. Tube socks with flip-flops

I never understood this. I mean, were you halfway towards putting your sneakers on and just gave up? Flip flops were meant to air out your feet. You’re totally defeating the purpose by covering them in socks.

Keep in mind, these are just my recommendations. You don’t have to follow them, just remember to walk 10 feet away from us in public if you don’t.

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