NFL Teams That Need New Names (POLL)

So what’s in a name? Well, for sports teams, everything. The name is the rally cry, the identity, the face of the franchise, and the word that strikes fear in the opponent. A good name leads to a cool mascot, which leads to a source of inspiration for players and fans alike. However, there are some team names that are laughable and/or synonymous with failure and/or humiliation. These are those teams…

Cleveland Browns

I am all for the history of the NFL and can appreciate the fans chose the name back in 1945 to honor the team’s first GM and coach, former Ohio State Buckeyes head coach Paul Brown. Since that time, the team’s been called The Clowns, The Frowns, and even The Downs (for those who are insensitive to certain syndromes). How about embracing the Dawgs, in reference to the Dawg Pound made popular in the early 80s?

Buffalo Bills

In essence, they’re the Buffalo Buffaloes. Makes one think about the 1 sentence in the English language that features the same 8 words and is considered grammatically correct. Almost as ridiculous as The New York New Yorkers or the Miami Floridians. Let’s face it, they’ve lost 4 Super Bowls as The Bills, changing the name might give the franchise and the city a fresh perspective. People look at the Bills and think “perennial losers”. Maybe it’s as simple as changing it to “Bisons” but then again you run into the redundancy issue and it’s already taken by the minor league baseball team there. One wouldn’t be so cruel to call them The Wings, but it would sure put you in a better state of mind. Who doesn’t love buffalo wings? Sucks Milwaukee took The Brewers, that could’ve been a good way to go. Would Barrel Jumpers, Barrel Bombers, or Daredevils be too corny?

Baltimore Ravens

To quote the raven, this team name should be never more. Thankfully, for the franchise, they drafted Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, which helped them become the most feared defenses ever and Super Bowl Champions. If not for them, they’d be the most emo squad in the league. I mean, Edgar Allen Poe? Really? With all that Baltimore has to offer, you’re going to pick a depressing poet? For the most part, Baltimore’s taken the new aesthetic in stride – those who aren’t Colts fans or who gave up after the Colts abandoned them. According to Wikipedia, team management started with a list of 17 names from an original list of more than 100. The list was then trimmed down to three: Marauders, Americans, and Ravens. Of course, you’re going with Ravens over those other 2, especially AMERICANS?!?! I love America but that’s a little presumptuous, no?

Arizona Cardinals

Ask anyone about the Cardinals and they’ll assume you’re talking about the baseball team in St. Louis first. We can’t imagine what is must’ve been like before 1988 when there were the St. Louis Cardinals (football) and the St. Louis Cardinals (baseball). “Meet you at the Cards game?” could end in hilarious results. Besides Cardinals seem like a decent name for a baseball team, but football? Doesn’t exactly strike fear into the opposition. Then again I’ve never seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “Birds” so I might be missing out. Now if they wanted to have a mascot that was more in line with where they are and representative of the Arizona I would like to suggest the Arizona Scorpions. I know those little buggers scare the daylights out of me; plus it kind of has a ring to it, don’t you think?

Seattle Seahawks

Sally sells seashells down by the seashore. Something about saying this name makes all the sailors come to the yard, know what I mean? You sound like a gay snake! Better off going with a name that utilizes the ‘T’ like Thunder or emphasizes the ridiculous amount of rain they get out there like Monsoon. The Seattle Monsoon? They’ll sweep you away!

Houston Texans

Remember the New York New Yorkers and Miami Floridians reference? The Baltimore Americans?! This is exactly what we’re talking about. Texas has a lot of pride but this is just self-absorbed and lazy. Everything’s bigger and better in Texas and Houston’s one of the biggest, having been in the list of top 5-10 fattest cities in America, but like the Washington Nationals or New York Metropolitans, it’s tough to put an image to the name. They chose what appears to be a bull, steer, or longhorn for their logo, why not roll with one of those? Bulls, no. Longhorns, no. Toros maybe? The Hustlers would be pretty sweet but I’m sure the NFL wants to avoid any affiliation with gambling or the adult magazine. The Drillers? Would probably offend Al Gore and the like. The other teams focus on the NASA angle – Rockets & Astros – would Commanders be too over the top? Somehow I don’t think Payload Specialists would fly… get it?

Washington Redskins

There’s been a ton of controversy over this namesake for quite some time despite polls in 2002 and 2004 that suggest the majority of Native Americans are okay with it. Hell, The Bullets had to change their name to Wizards. We’re far from PC here at COED, but there are so many more badass names out there that are way less offensive – the Revolutionaries, the Colonials, the Freedom Fighters come to mind but that’s a little too close to Patriots. You could get real political and go with the Warhawks. Warriors might seem generic but still awesome. Or you could get prehistoric on some people and go with Mastodons.

What do you think? Which team should change their name? Let us know in the poll below:

Liked this? Check out these:
Colossal Cleavage Collection: NFL Cheerleader Edition [100 Photos]
Rebecca Grant: FOX NFL Playoff Pregame Hottie Revealed (34 Pics)
The NFL’s Wildest Fans
The NFL’s Worst TV Announcers, Analysts, & Sideline Reporters
The Best Rookie Quarterbacks Ever

  • 10678531520930918