Unstoppable came out this past weekend and earned around $23 million at the box office, placing it second behind Megamind. The plot centers on a rail company frantically working to prevent an unmanned, half-mile-long freight train carrying combustible liquids and poisonous gas from wiping out a city. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, don’t judge a movie by its trailer; it’s been receiving favorable reviews. However, after seeing the trailer we felt compelled to touch upon some especially terrible movie plots.
It’s about a girl who has “Vagina Dentata”, teeth in her vagina. Throughout the movie the girl bites off several guys’ “manhood” as she gains a better understanding of the monster within. Someone watched “Deep Throat” while high way too many times.
A wrecking ball knocks a lamp onto a boombox. Genie in the lamp inhabits the boombox. A young (white) boy “in the hood” bumps into it when running away from bullies. Genie turns out to be a 7 foot tall jacked dude who is forced to grant the young boy three wishes or he’ll perish. The boy is on a quest to find his real father and the genie decides to help. The father turns out to be a record executive for “pirated” music who gets assaulted. Kazaam gets a record deal as a rapper and is unable to help . We can’t even go any further with this. I just barfed.
Going Overboard (1989)
Adam Sandler plays a struggling young comedian lands a menial job on a cruise ship to become the ship’s comedian, a position that’s already filled by a ladies man. An array of thugs, mercenaries and terrorists try to storm the ship while a Miss Universe contest is being held. So, he tries to get laid while defeating attackers and winning over the vaunted cruise ship comedian position. Uh, okay.
Chairman of the Board (1998)
Carrot Top plays a surfer / inventor who meets and befriends a billionaire that leaves him the company after his death. Carrot Top’s character has a lot of success with his inventions while the company’s competitors do all they can to destroy him. The key to any good movie is convincing the audience to suspend their disbelief and invest their emotions in characters and a plot they can relate to or identify with. The other elements are there to help move the characters and the plot along. This “plot” was merely a way to get Carrot Top on the big screen so he can play with a bunch of f*cking props. Dammit, H-wood!
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
An aspiring cartoonist tries to sell his ideas to Hollywood while working at a cheese sandwich factory but is told they’re the most stupid ideas ever. So, he moves back home where his father mistreats him then wants him to leave. The cartoonist then starts a rumor his father fingered his brother and he ends up getting the house to himself. Meanwhile, he falls for an attractive, wheelchair bound doctor at the hospital where his friend is staying and comes up with a winning animated series based on his own family. It’s a “comedy” so I know the plot shouldn’t be taken too seriously, but why even have a plot when you kind of blindly touch on it every once in a while? Just make a film that’s called “Tom Green Does Crazy Sh*t”. Don’t sell me on a movie with a story when it’s really just Tom Green f*cking sh*t up.
From Justin To Kelly (2003)
Another movie where a plot was thrown together and tacked on. Hey, Hollywood, don’t try to get all cute on us. This supposed “romantic comedy” set at Spring Break in Miami was rushed to the theaters so quickly the screenwriter was literally scribbling dialogue on napkins between takes. All the fans really cared about was Justin and Kelly singing. Not to mention Justin’s gay, right? You’d think after 2002’s Crossroads starring Britney Spears in a role that really showed her range, they’d stick to focusing on a documentary about the two singers on tour.
Iron Eagle (1986)
A dude whose father is a pilot captured and sentenced to hanging gets rejected by the Air Force but is able to secure two F-16 fighter jets with the help of his dad’s military buddy and save him. Easy, peezy, 1-2-threesy. This flick didn’t do well at the box office but managed to gain moderate success on home video justifying 2 sequels. The fact some kid can just hijack two military jets and go on a personal vendetta mission with some other guy and rescue his dad from some terrorists is about as believable as a hodge podge motley crew of high schoolers who battle the Soviet Union army on US soil.
Red Dawn (1984)
“In our time. no foreign army has ever occupied American soil…until now”. Cue machine guns and guitar riffs. The dawn of World War III begins in mid-western America where a group of teenagers bands together to defend their town, and their country, from invading Soviet forces. WOLVERINES! There have been rumors they’re either producing a remake of this or a sequel. Either way, they should really let sleeping dogs lie on this one.
While filming a commercial, some extreme sports enthusiasts unwittingly stop a group of terrorists. Like Ski School meets Red Dawn. Actually, you know where this film came up short? It didn’t have enough babies…
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
Continuing the rich history of unassuming protagonists who are able to defeat seemingly unstoppable villains is this dirty diaper of a movie. It’s a sequel, which is mind boggling in itself, but it features a group of smart-talking toddlers who attempt to thwart a media mogul’s experiment to crack the code to baby talk. Who gives a sh*t? Who’s watching these movies? I know who. Baby crazy women who want to have babies so bad they usually end up kidnapping or smothering a couple to satiate their hysterical need to nurture. Chill out. You’re def not suitable to have a baby so just buy a pet, just don’t breastfeed it. Too late. Here’s the trailer for the first movie..
Pocket Ninjas (1997)
An evil martial arts clan rises from the underworld and begins polluting the environment. Some hero gets hurt so he passes the job onto his three teenage students. You couldn’t find any full grown ass adults to handle this one? Yeah, I know Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were kick ass but these are Teenage Normal Ninja Students… not quite as inspiring or intimidating.
A mad scientist transforms himself into a mutated walking catfish so he can kill those who’ve wronged him while also polluting the water with a radioactive element that will turn others into human-catfish. Why catfish? I don’t know. Dude’s a mad scientist, they’re the dumbest smart people out there. I mean, what’s next? A shark who’s out to get ONE family?
Jaws The Revenge (1987)
The film focuses on Sheriff Brody’s wife, Ellen, who believes a shark is after her family. Why does she think that? Well, her husband died of a heart attack because he was scared of the shark and her son Sean is killed by the shark when he tries to clear a log from a buoy. Wow. One of the posters even says, “This time, it’s personal!” Many believe this film served as the inspiration for 1999’s “Deep Blue Sea” featuring Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, Thomas Jane, Michael Rappaport, and Saffron Burrows. That film was about a trio of genetically altered intelligent sharks who kill their captors so they can escape a research facility.
The Final Sacrifice (1990)
An ancient cult of Canadian wrestlers is bent on world domination. In order to achieve their plan they’ll need to find their idol. To do that, they need a map a young boy found. When they invade the young boy’s home, he flees and ends up in the bed of a passing pickup truck, driven by some dude named Rowsdower who you later find out was IN the cult and was ordered to murder the boy’s dad. They become friends and together search for the lost idol before the cult can claim it and take over the world. So completely random and absurd. You might’ve seen this on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3k (MST3K). The best highlights are below…
Over the Top (1987)
From crazy Canadian wrestlers to crazy dads who think arm wrestling will repair a broken relationship. Stallone plays a struggling trucker who tries to make amends with the son he abandoned after his wife dies. To win his affection, he enters a nation-wide arm wrestling competition in Las Vegas. Apparently, his son is also a big fan of the world’s tallest dwarf. That’s about as dumb as winning a street dancing competition to prove your toughness…
You Got Served (2004)
To open a recording studio, two friends must win their city’s dance contest against a group of tough street dancers. This paved the way to “Step Up” and all those sh*tty sequels about dancing.
A city boy comes to a small town where rock music and dancing have been banned. Yeah, we get it. One of the most popular movies on this list (especially with chicks) with one of the greatest songs of all-time. I’m sure at the time it was revolutionary and it probably had some sort of weird impact on the liberalization of most backwoods, backwards, podunk, ultra-conservative farm town that ended up repealing some outdated law then had 3 kids die because of it, but when you read the synopsis out loud you can’t help but laugh.
Soul Man (1986)
To achieve his dream of attending Harvard, a pampered teen poses as a young black man to receive a full scholarship. That’s about as offensive as black dudes dressing up as white chicks!
White Chicks (2004)
Two disgraced FBI agents go way undercover in an effort to protect hotel heiresses the Wilson Sisters from a kidnapping plot. Anyone who honestly thinks the Wayans Brothers even remotely resemble two hot blonde white chicks needs to be euthanized. For the good of the land. When will the exploitation end? Do we really need to make a movie about a black-owned airline for people to see how messed up this is?
Soul Plane (2004)
A black man sues an airline and is awarded a huge settlement after a humiliating flight. What does he do with his $100 million award? Give back to the community? No, he creates the full service airline of his dreams, complete with sexy stewardesses, funky music, a hot on-board dance club, and a bathroom attendant all catering to African American and hip hop culture. This falls under the “Who’s Your Caddy?” category for WTF stereotyping. How this film features so many name actors and musicians is beyond us. Snoop, Meth, Mo’Nique, TOM ARNOLD?! We’re all for stupid fun to balance out the depressing Oscar contenders each year, but this is painfully stupid and offensive.
Fat Slags (2004)
Two fat, vulgar, waste-of-space chicks become famous when a billionaire suffers a blow to the head and falls in love with their larger than life look and approach. He forces a fashion designer to base his next collection around the fat girls, which takes off. Then they somehow get a chart-topping single in addition to some other prize. Jerry O’Connell and Dolph Lundgren are also in this. This is a poor poor man’s (or fat fat girl’s) version of Joe Dirt.
Santa with Muscles (1996)
Hulk Hogan plays a mean millionaire who gets hit on the head then believes he is Santa Claus. Ya know, when I get a hit on the head, I usually get a bump and a throbbing headache. Who was the genius that first decided it could lead you to believe nonsense? Thank you for giving us 100 million crappy movies based on that logic.
The President of the United States is a philandering blowhard, so his Chief of Staff tracks down a dude who looks just like him to step in a function. The pres suffers a stroke while banging some other broad and the stand in is indefinitely thrust into assuming the oval office. He ends up turning around the country and falling in love with the First Lady. So, in addition to finding a guy who looks IDENTICAL to the incumbent, the guy’s also savvy enough to balance the budget and seduce Sigourney Weaver AND at that age, doesn’t already have a family or friends. This would serve as the inspiration for “Face Off” starring John Travolta and Nic Cage.
Matt Leblanc. A monkey. Minor league baseball. There’ve been a baffling slew of Air Bud movies and films like K9 Cop or Every Which Way But Loose but this one’s a home run of huh?
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