The Super Secret Psychology of Beer Pong

Beer Pong is a heavily psychological sport. I’ve read the journals and studied the research. What does that mean for you? It means that amateur night is over and it’s time to get to work on improving your game. That is, unless want to spend the night with your head between something rather than on a toilet seat puking.


First thing you need to learn is proper pacing. Let’s say you’ve got some heavy artillery (like, if their mom went out with Squeak), you’ve got to hold on to that for important moments. Don’t rush to blow your load. Everyone will be thankful. And then, when you drop a bomb on them, you can revel in the shock and awe. It’s not your fault their girlfriend likes variety- it’s the spice of life. The more you can get them thinking about something other than sinking their balls into your holes, the better… in every possible way.


There are a few philosophical techniques to psyching out an opponent. There’s the gross-out technique. There’s the absolutely crazy technique (skip to the 49 second mark). There’s the slam technique. You can sling mud, make jokes, really anything goes. Just be careful of using the old college standard, showing your nuts. It might be funny that you sat in gum, but chances are if you use that one, it will be the last time in the night that you get to show off your goods. Mooning is similar. It might help you win, but if your ass makes you look like you’re a werewolf or it has craters, was it really worth it?


They say the best offense is a good defense (or is it the other way around, dyslexic I am). Even if you’ve got your opponent more shell-shocked than a Vietnam vet during a fireworks display, that doesn’t mean you’re immune. You’ve got to maintain your focus and cool. You can’t just not pay attention or else your opponent will be bouncing shots in left and right and you’ll be doing more double fisting than an East European pornstar (if my girlfriend, Ivanka, is reading, I was just making a joke, don’t be mad). If they get in your head, you’re toast. Just remember, you’re a better man than they are. You read Coed Magazine.


What if you play a couple of stacked ladies? In that case, all bets are off, my man. Winning and losing no longer matters. I’m not suggesting that you purposely lose. This is the 21st century. I’m just saying that it’s time to rearrange your priorities. Feigned competitiveness is acceptable but use it to flirt. This isn’t the World Series of Beer Pong.

So take the advice and remember it’s supposed to be fun. Keep cool, crack jokes, have fun and try to win, but not at any cost. After you’ve got your confidence up and you’re drunk enough, use that to talk to those girls you let win, even though I told you that you didn’t have to.

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