Chicks, man. Know what I’m sayin’? They come in all shapes and sizes. In high school, unless you either A) got lucky and had a girl hype you up to her friends or B) had a cool kid take you under his wing, you were pretty much left in the dark when it came to navigating the scene. Your chances of hooking up SKYROCKET once you move into the freshman dorms. So, let COED be ‘that guy’ who gives you the lowdown on the girls living on your floor.
This chick will start with room one, and go door to door having sex with every guy she sees. You know it’s a bad idea, but you still do it anyways. She’s there, she’s convenient. Nothing more to say here other than, wear a condom. Better yet, wear two, who knows what diseases burn through latex these days. The key is to bed her the first night you’re there. The earlier on you ‘leave the station’ the less crap you’ll get when you double dip.
The Designated Ugly Fat Friend. She’s friends with the whore, and the bitch. Actually, they all live in the triple at the end of the hall. She also will not let you talk to any of them. She’s always there, and gets in the way. She gets super drunk, and will expect you to catch her when she falls. Hope you’ve been hitting the gym, because if you drop her, the bitch’ll never let you live it down. Good luck. (Have pizza handy)
This girl loves school. She hates partying, and will help you with your homework. Utilize this girl as much as possible, because while you were out getting high instead of going to Econ, she took thorough notes and will break everything down for you. Be her friend, invite her out constantly, as to make her think that you’re not just using her for her mind.
She gets on your nerves, because she says things that even your retard stoned friends wouldn’t say. Get used to it. This girl got into college because… well actually no one knows how she got in. Apparently she got a 9 on her ACT and had a .89 GPA. No one knows why she is on your floor, or much less, in the school. I don’t even think she knows. But it’s okay, she won’t bother you, only annoy you.
The Chick Who Wants To Have Sex With You
She comes over everyday and just wants to hang out. You know what she really wants to do? Get your wang out. This girl wants you, but the feeling isn’t mutual. So, what do you do? Make slow, passionate love to her and NEVER speak to her again? Or get her drunk and have your friend nail her then feign disappointment? She could be the slump buster you’re looking for. Wait ’til last week in the dorms to seal the deal.
Stage 4 Clinger
She’s that girl who just had sex with the guy she has been dying to fuck. Now, she won’t leave. She’s always on your floor, and she’s always borrowing things from you, just because her boyfriend is your suite-mate. Try to avoid her at all costs, because when she gets dumped, you’re next, because you were so nice to her yesterday. She doesn’t stop texting you, and she won’t. IGNORE HER. (Also, learn karate)
The Chick You Wanna Bang
This is the girl you can’t touch. She’ll flirt with you all day, and lead you on, and you’ll eat it up. But, nothing will ever come of it. She’s interested in some senior, not you. He has his own house and some extra money to spend on her. You have a lofted dorm room bed, that’s hard to get in, no chance. Def be nice to her just in case she gets dumped, but don’t go “all in” with heavy arsenal until the right moment.
Your Boy’s Girl
Your best friend scored a hot chick, she becomes your friend by association. She’s cool, and she hangs out, but nothing will ever come of you two. If you should ever hear of them breaking up, do not go after her. It will cause a whole lot of commotion, and you will just end up losing a broham.
This bitch has the nerve to yell at you for everything you do. She gets worse when she is drunk, so don’t even think about going out and drinking with her. Not that you would anyways, but, it’s still a bad idea. She will slip subtle insults into conversations, gossip, and spread rumors. One day, she will get what’s coming, but you won’t see it, you’re just that normal guy on the floor.
The Really Nice Girl
This girl is too nice. Helps people out when they’re drunk, and will give you rides everywhere. Did I mention she has a car? Yeah. Nobody ever throws her gas money, then they borrow it and drive until they hit E. I guess you could call her a pushover, but hey, she’s really nice. I say be doubly nice to her. That way when she breaks down, look who’s there to console her. BOOM.
“Dude, let me get a cig.” This girl smokes reds, wears jeans and a t-shirt, and knows more about football then you. She can almost drink more than you, but that really doesn’t matter, she is one of the guys. She might be cute, but she will never dress up like a girl. Befriend her if you want, but just remember, she is a dude.
One of the coolest girls on the floor, this is the girl that smokes pot. She wears Grateful Dead shirts, tye-dye, and a lot of hemp bracelets. She said she studied plant biology, but you can’t quite remember because she has the best weed in the dorms. Just don’t forget to go to class when hanging out with her. This chick may be cool, but you got to stay in school. But on the latter side, smoking that fat ass joint might not be too bad either.
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