6 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Sucks

Taylor Swift has a new album out–“Speak Now”–and nothing I say will stop its success. I realize that. I’m okay with it. But there’s no way in Hell I’m going to let you sheep follow her to iTunes or the record store and make that purchase without knowing in simple detail the six reasons why Taylor Swift sucks. Here goes:

1. You can’t get away from her.

There are no country presets on my car stereo, yet because Swift appeals to the lowest common denominator of consumers–grade school girls and trendy high school hellcats, who think that prom and the 10-year reunion will be the most important times in their lives–I am forced to turn it from my beloved radio stations every time drivel like “Tim McGraw,” “Our Song,” “Love Story,” “You Belong to Me,” or “Today Was a Fairy Tale” screeches onto the dial.

2. Swift sells a b.s. depiction of guy-girl relationships.

Okay, think about the genre. This is country music. Sure, it’s crossed over, but that’s where recordings like “Our Song” planted their roots. Picture the character in “Our Song” singing about how special and poetic her boyfriend is: “he says, ‘Our song is a slammin’ screen door, Sneakin’ out late, tapping on your window, When we’re on the phone and you talk real slow, ‘Cause it’s late and your mama don’t know. Our song is the way you laugh, The first date man, I didn’t kiss her and I should have, And when I got home, ‘fore I said amen, Asking God if He could play it again.'” Yep, sounds like the redneck weirdos that I went to school with here in the South, and the guys who were always texting each other naked pics of their latest lay of the month.

3. Female characters never take responsibility for their actions in her music.

“Picture to Burn” is a song in which the jilted female decides that to show her boyfriend, who’s probably a four-wheel driving brute redneck since this is country music after all, she’s going to relegate his memory (repped by pictures) as just another picture that she can burn. You’re not important to me. I’ll recover. That’s why I’ve got to have a bonfire for your sorry ass instead of just throwing everything out and moving on with my miserable existence. Great move, Taylor. Why don’t you shoot for someone more sensitive next time, like John Mayer? Surely he’ll get you since you’re so freaking perfect and must not have done anything to run this damn bozo off.

4. She is reading retarded, but doesn’t know it.

Swift recently appeared to a group of grade school children and encouraged them to read more. Great advice. She should try taking it herself. One need only look at the disastrous “Love Story” that in one line reveals the degradation of our education system. “You were Romeo, I was a Scarlet Letter…” Okay, he was Romeo, and you were some married adulterous whore that couldn’t keep her legs shut for other men. Makes perfect sense. Of course, The Scarlet Letter is not usually read until college. Swift was probably in high school when the song started taking shape. But still, that begs the question: why the hell use a reference from a book you haven’t read that makes no sense whatsoever the way that it’s delivered. I’m not one to throw the word “retard” around, but here it seems relevant.

5. Her music is stereotypical high school gutter trash.

“You Belong to Me” and “Love Story” are been-there, done-that bullcrap, aced in much better fashion by other media such as every teen comedy ever made and Romeo and Juliet, respectively. Swift’s songs are populated with talks of princesses, fairy tales, and young high school love or getting a guy to notice. It is a pretty embarrassing public record that has made Swift tons of money as a consolation prize. And that’s only because her rabid fans, the ones that sing along every time one of these two songs plays on the radio, which happens about 15 times per day by the way, are equally as pathetic. You say one bad thing about the girl, and it’s like you attacked someone’s faith. Well, this is number five. I got one more to go, so blast away.

6. Dudes got her number, i.e. she has no self respect.

Joe Jonas said that “issues with” his relationship led to their breakup. That was after Swift blurted to the public that Jonas had broken up with her during a 27-second breakup call.

Meanwhile, Swift’s new album makes a rather public mention of her fling with John Mayer, in which the pitiable country starlet bashes Mayer, one might guess, for not wanting to put his life on hold and put up with her b.s. for public viewing. Not a Mayer fan, but when your ex writes a song about how much you hurt her and then publicly speaks about it, it’s pretty clear that this chick has issues and the man was wise to get the hell out of there while the getting was good.

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