30 Fun Ways To Tell Someone You F***ed

Aren’t words fun? Especially when you find elegant, shorter ways of talking about profane or gratuitous acts. For instance, there’s about a million ways to say you hooked up with a girl, but in the interest of time, we’ve narrowed it down to the funnest. So, without further ado, what did you do last night? Oh, well, we…

…Boinked

I guess boinking is a sound that’s sort of made while having sex. Box springs…why can’t they be quieter? Anyway, boinking is for 16-year olds who are just getting in there. Getting in where you ask? If you have to ask, then you’re reading the wrong post.

…Humped

I’m talking naked humping with penetration. Crude, lewd and socially unacceptable humping. I think you get the idea. In fact, for the next month I’ll only be using the word hump and its derivative’s when describing the act of lovemaking. That’s my level of commitment.

…Pumped
Pumping is another way of saying you worked out. Sex burns calories. This totally makes sense. But since you can pump out a lot of things (term papers, excuses, break up e-mails), I’m going to leave this in reserves for when I feel particularly ridiculous.

…Boned
Boning sounds flat out juvenile unless said “correctly”. It’s an awesome word that sounds better with a southern accent. Matthew McCognahey in his Wooderson days probably “boned” all the time. Yes, he did. Yes, he did.


…Banged

It’s just a fun word to say. It’s unisexual, unlike the aforementioned bone which anatomically sounds more appropriate coming from a guy. And like all of these euphemism’s, it is best left to be said amongst friends and in jest.

…Crushed
An awesome way of describing things when “puss” is attached to the end of it. Also implies that you did it right. Because we all know that if you aren’t going to do something right…

…Smushed
Thank (or don’t) “Jersey Shore” for popularizing this one. This is a weird one, sounding like another way of describing a gross kiss from your grandmother. Wait…never mind. Damage done.

…Plowed

Ever wanted to combine landscaping and genitals but you’re too afraid to have sex while driving your lawn mower? Well your prayers have now been answered.

…Railed
Rail sounds like bail. Bailing is a popular and, sometimes, necessary act after getting in there. Makes total sense to this guy.

…Nailed
“Nailed it” in a high-pitched celebratory tone is quite the rage right now. I bet that was first uttered by some dude post-coitus after out-kicking his coverage by a good 30 yards.

…Screwed
So cliche. So lewd. And too ambiguous. Screwing someone more times than not means you did someone dirty in a bad way. Not the good kind of way when one is on their back, all fours or a swing set (that’s for another post).

…Wrecked
Not only did you do it right, but you might have rendered someone’s genitals obsolete for a little bit. Win’s all around.

…Hammered
Most people get down while drunk anyway. Why not have drunken terms and sex terms intersect. Get me a venn diagram.

…Demolished
One step above wrecked. Demolished sounds like apocalyptic stuff. Like you’ve crushed the puss and left it un-liveable for future generations.

…Mashed
Doing it so well that you’ve altered the physical appearance. Like a kid with Play-Do.

…Boffed
Heard this for the first time in forever when I bought “Risky Business” on DVD. Sounds like a mix of regular and back door business.

…Diddled
I like to limit this one to digital penetration (finger blasting) but it’s such a funny word. Like something the Muppets conjured up.

…Fiddled
I’m sure the Charlie Daniels Band is a fan of this terminology. I’m sure that Georgia wasn’t the only place the devil went down to…

…Mounted
When you’re done awkwardly using the term “mount” to talk about sex, I’m sure a curator at the local art museum could use some help hanging a painting.

…Plugged
Circle in a round peg action.

…Poked
This is fine as long as you don’t giggle like the Pillburry Dough Boy. If you do that, I’m out. In more ways than one.

…Rammed
Also known as steroid sex. Don’t juice and jam, folks.

…Slammed
Concussion, torn knee ligaments and spinal adjustments are all the result of 24/7 slamming. Have your insurance cards on stand-by.

…Went To Pound Town
Fantastic. A nice bit of nostalgia since this one was of frequent usage from year’s 2-4 of my college experience.

©2006 Twentieth Century Fox ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

…Rogered
Sure, why not. On the flip side, to “Clemens” someone is to consistently deny doing someone less than desirable even though evidence is overwhelmingly not in your favor.

…Porked
Pig products and sex. Better than “rining” someone I guess.

…Forked
A man tries to explain to his suspicious wife that he didn’t f*** his secretary and, fumbling around for an explanation, says he FORKED her after seeing a plastic utensil on his desk. This has bad sitcom premise written all over it.

…Pile-drived
Only acceptable if once done, you fold her hands over her chest and roll your eyes back like the Undertaker.

…Shagged
The British import that I suppose made “The Office” possible.

©2010 Getty Images

…Bagged
It’s not quality. It’s quantity. Write that down.

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