BrosIcingBros.com is no longer. R.I.P. brohams. However, even without a dedicated website, the phenomenon is still going strong. Need proof? Here are Exhibit A, Exhibit B, and Exhibit C. I mean, even CHICKS are doing it!
But many believe “icing” or “getting iced” will soon jump the shark. When your grandmother sends one along with your birthday check, you know it’s time to move on. Well, COED would still like to see it live on in some form. That’s why we’ve come up with the following alternatives to keep the tradition of mandatory chugging alive. We present… alternatives to getting iced.
MALT BEVERAGE: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
SETUP: You’re gonna need a chick for this one (or a willing gay partner if he swings that way). Your victim has recently expressed he’s horny. Enter chick (or willing gay dude) to get him isolated in a SEMI-private but still accessible space. Have her (or him) seduce victim enough to cause rigidity. Then have said seducer pop the Mike’s Hard Lemonade right in his face.
EXCLAMATION: “You just got hard!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Twisted Tea
SETUP: Your bro’s gotta be in a very vulnerable positoin – either laying down or with his eyes closed. That’s when you whip out your beanbag and shove it directly in his face. Okay, maybe you don’t have to expose the “children” but when he opens his eyes, your bulge better be there.
EXCLAMATION: “You just been tea-bagged!”
MALT BEVERAGE: One-Eyed Jack
SETUP: You know that old trick where your buddy’s looking the other way and you call his name, so he turns his head right into your fist? Same basic execution here except instead of a fist, you extend your pointer finger at eye level. That’ll teach him to be so responsive!
EXCLAMATION: “Your eye’s been poked!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Hooper’s Lemon Hooch
SETUP: Hooch is more than just an adorable cop dog… or dog cop… it’s a delicious beverage. Who got the hooch, baby? YOU DO! You should, especially when your buddy’s bent over. That’s when you punch him right in the gooch aka the taint aka no man’s land aka grundle. When he loses his sh*t and spins to meet you with a fistful of hate, you hit him with the hooch, baby. It’s only the sweetest thing in the world. Der.
EXCLAMATION: “Your gooch got hooched!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Moonshine (yeah, I know, not malt, shut up)
SETUP: Moon your buddy. If he looks, BOOM! Moonshine. Can’t get any simpler than this.
EXCLAMATION: “Your moon just got shined!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Sparks
SETUP: For the longest time (say 2-3 years) I thought the production of Sparks aka the greatest energy-infused malt beverage to ever exist had been discontinued. Then I saw it in a grocery store in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Thank the Lord, it’s still around. Um, basically, when your brodoggerpants isn’t lookin’ hit him with the flamethrower. After he’s able to extinguish the fire, ask him if he’s okay and hand him a fresh one.
EXCLAMATION: “You’ve just been set on fire!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Zima
SETUP: This “malternative” was discontinued in 2008. Imagine your buddy’s reaction when you goose the sh*t out of him with one.
EXCLAMATION: “You just got F’d in the A!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Bacardi Silver
SETUP: The opportunities to use this one aren’t as frequent as the others. You have to wait for your brojo to be on all fours. Maybe he lost a contact or he’s doing a girl push up. Whatever the case may be, you hop on his back, grab the back of his collar with one hand and slap his ass with the other. He’ll buck, but it’s no use; once you’re thrown to the ground, you reward him with the other silver bullet.
EXCLAMATION: “You just got Hi-Yo Silver’d!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Skyy Blue
SETUP: This one’s fairly similar to the Mike’s Hard Lemonade joint – except your partner in crime (preferably a famous porn star or stripper) takes it to another level. We’re talking the most extreme dry humping cocktease known to man. She’s a pro, she’ll know when to pull back and apply the pressure. As soon as the pangs of his prostate reach their peek, you (or better yet, SHE) will help ease the pain with a Skyy Blue to the dome. No, not that one, the one with the mouth. Yeah.
EXCLAMATION: “You just got blue balled!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Doc’s Hard Lemonade
SETUP: There are 2 ways to go about this. 1) The easy route – you’re watching Back To The Future, Marty McFly breaks out the classic line, “This is heavy, Doc!” and you break out the Doc’s Hard Lemonade. (kinda lame) 2) The HEAVY route – at the gym, moving out/in, loading a truck, anywhere where there is lifting of objects. Your buddy has his back to you. You and your friends pick up one of the heaviest objects together, ask him for a hand, he turns, and WHAM! Nail him with the heavy object. As he struggles to wiggle out from under it, you dick him with a Doc’s.
EXCLAMATION: “You just got heavy, Doc!”
MALT BEVERAGE: Captain Morgan’s Gold
SETUP: I love gooooooooooooooooooooooooooold! Who doesn’t right? Well, your broham-a-lam-a-ding-dong might not after this serving of the Captain. This drink also has 2 methods of delivery: 1) Strike the Captain pose, your buddy looks. Simple enough. 2) You’re about sit down to breakfast at home, at a diner, wherever breakfast is served and you or the wait staff serve your buddy a smoke (cigar, cigarettes, corn cob pipe) and a flapjack (1 single pancake).
EXCLAMATION: “You just got Goldmember‘d!”
If you successfully employ each of these alternative icings or “altern-icings” you should have hilarious pictures, video, and stories to last at least a year. That and you will drive your friend to the brink of insanity and hyper paranoia.
If you’d like to add to the list, email your suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.