5 Tips from Al Capone on Boozing

Al Capone made a living off of one of the worst laws in American history. At one point he was earnings over 100 million dollars a year, simply by giving the people what they wanted, booze. But liquor discrimination still continues today despite the efforts of Capone and his crew. Today’s bootleggers, college freshmen, have adapted the methods of Capone to smuggle liquor into dorm rooms, and themselves into bars, proving that people today have just as little respect for liquor laws than they have ever had.

Bribing

For most of his career, Al Capone managed to stay out of jail because of his ability to bribe. And when you’re making 100 million dollars a year, you have a little cash left over that you can throw around. He bribed cops, juries, judges, or anyone else who had some type of political influence. You don’t have the type of income that Capone had, but your aim isn’t to bribe public officials. It’s to bribe bartenders and store owners. Daddy’s wallet should do just fine for this. Establish your monetary prowess early with a big tip at the beginning of the night. Make sure the bartender sees your face as you hand them the money, don’t just leave it on the table.  If your liquor store accepts tips, make sure that you pay for the courtesy of them looking the other way. It doesn’t matter how good your ID is if you still look like your twelve. They know, but they can be paid not to care.

Concealment

Prohibition led to some of the greatest achievements in concealment. Capone, along with ordinary citizens, reinvented the novelty gift. Any time you see binocular flasks, hollowed out books, or alcohol filled brassieres, (maybe that one’s a modern invention and judging by the picture, unless that’s a man with a long wig and those b cup tits are bulging balls of booze, I have no idea how this thing works) you can thank the 1920’s. Capone stored liquor in garden hoses, hollowed out coconuts, mislabeled crates, and the hollowed out bottoms of boats. Today’s college bootlegger has an assorted list of tools that can be used to store and transport liquor.

For the dorm, it’s much easier to hide hard liquor. Clean out old milk or OJ cartons and fill them back up with hooch. Hiding a case can be a little harder depending on your space. One easy trick is to simply load your beer into an empty case of coke. You can even buy can covers so you can freely drink out in the open. Smuggling liquor past the gates to the stadium opens up even more options. The Sip ’n Seat, the Rack o’ Wine, binocular flasks, sneaky shorts, and sandal shots, can all get liquor to your seats. No more lines, no more 8 dollar beers, and no more worrying about ID.

Identification

Capone used various aliases throughout his career. Capone, in fact, was also an alias. Alphonso Caponi was known as Al Brown, Scarface, Snorky, and The Big Fellow. But changing your name probably isn’t the best tactic. No one’s going to fall for a McLovin, and besides, if you ever get asked for a second form, you’re shit out of luck.

Cousins, brothers, and sisters are the obvious choice for getting an ID, but if you live near a major city, a major university, or a ghettto, you’ll be able to find someone who makes these tiny pieces of plastic. You can also take your chances online. There are many novelty ID’s that you can buy that actually work. Of course, there are may sites who are just going to take your money and disappear. The truth about ID’s though, is that most bars surrounding universities could care less about how old you are. They just want to cover their ass. If you show them anything that can almost pass as legitimate, they’re more likely to take your money than to take your fake ID.

Speakeasies and hidden entrances

Every bar has a back door. Every dorm building has a second entrance. Every speakeasy has a code. If you want too avoid the whole proper identification thing, and don’t want to deal with passing through security to your room, find the other entrance. Most of these entrances are going to be locked from the outside so you’re going to need an inside man.

If you want to go in the front, find out what type of wrist band or stamp they are using at the door. You can collect old wrist bands, or buy a variety from the store. Match your band before you go to the bar and you can skip being checked for ID, and forgo the cover charge. Capone had a series of underground tunnels throughout the city of Chicago. The tunnels were used for bootlegging, but more important as escape routes. All of Capone’s mansions had vaults, hidden rooms, and secret passageways. It’s just as important to know your way out as it is to know your way in. Make sure you know where the nearest exit is in case the bar ever gets raided.

Staying off the books

All violent criminals seem to get caught for things other than murder. Tax evasion is what finally landed Capone in jail. Your problems aren’t going to be that big, but you’re sure going to look like an asshole when you use a credit card that has a different name on it than your ID. Cash is simple, easy, and quick. You don’t have to wait around sweating as you wait for a receipt. Using cash in a bar has its advantages, too. Opening a tab usually means giving up your ID or credit card for closer inspection while cash can keep you off the books.

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