5 Lamest College Mascots

They make us laugh. They make us want to cry. Often we just want to make them get out of our way. They are intended to rally the fans and strike fear into the hearts of our opponents. However, there are some so lame you wonder what bet the school’s founder lost to saddle his team with such a horrendous moniker (or why no one has changed it yet).

I’m talking about the mascot, people. There are some mascots that embody the rich heritage and unbridled spirit of the university they represent. Students would die to don their costume. Then there are mascots that baffle, befuddle, and straight up embarrass the school and themselves.

We at COED have combed the depths of college athletics to bring to you the five lamest mascots.

The Stanford Tree

By far the worst one ever. For an academically superior institution, you’d think they’d be able to come up with something better. It’s actually a substitute mascot the band came up with (mistake #1) since the school’s real team name -‘Cardinal’- refers to the color and not the bird. These guys likely got picked on for being geeks and nerds in high school and, with a mascot like that, it’s the solemn duty of every Bulldog, Longhorn, and Fighting anything to make fun of the dreaded tree from Stanford.

Ohio State Buckeye

Whether you’re talking about the breed of chicken originating in Ohio, the butterflies, the species of tree, the yummy chocolate and peanut butter treat or the nut, any way you slice it, study it, cut it down, or eat it, it’s still super hella lame. Naming the official mascot Brutus doesn’t help either; just makes me want to go buy an overpriced beer at Applebee’s.

Western Kentucky Big Red

If we’re talking about the yummy, cinnamon flavored short-lasting gum then we might have something here. Instead we’re talking about a large red version of Grimace. It was created by a student, Ralph Carey in 1979. Really, Ralph? That was the best you could do? Then again, when you’re trying to come up with something for the ‘Hilltoppers’ I guess your options are limited. COED personally would’ve opted for a pair of eyes peeking over Christina Hendricks’ lovely lady lumps.

Akron Zips

A chick kangaroo represents this school whose athletic teams, the Zippers, are named after a type of rubber shoe made by BF Goodrich and NOT the metal teeth you need Keri to pull down so you finally see if she’s shaved or not. There are so many bad things running through my head about this one, I don’t know where to start. To think, the school actually paid someone $10 to come up with that, too. Hey, you get what you pay for.

Syracuse Orange

Otto the Orange. Somehow the school thought that changing the name to ‘Orange’ from ‘Orangemen’ was better. Sorry, folks, but it’s not. I do not fear oranges. I like them; they are super juicy and deliver super doses of Vitamin C. They do make my hands sticky, though; maybe that is the fear they’re trying to impose? Whatever their intent, the only thing it succeeds at doing is knocking the Banana Slug of the University of California at Santa Cruz off the list.

(Dis)Honorable Mention:

  • The aforementioned Banana Slug
  • The Alabama Crimson Tide – at least the cramps that come with it should be feared
  • The Penn State Nittany Lion – only because the current one recently got arrested for underage drinking
  • Oglethorpe University’s Stormy Petrels — a flock of ‘small birds’ that will fly into hurricanes and tornadoes.
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