5 Unsexy Halloween Theme Party Costumes

Theme parties are the best ways to get hot chicks to leave absolutely NOTHING to the imagination and wear next to nothing as a costume. Unfortunately, the following five costumes do absolutely NOTHING for the libido. Make sure you keep this story in mind when picking your Halloween theme.

SHE'D be doing all the eating. GROSS.

1. NIGHT OF THE LIVING UNSEXY

Dead cheerleaders, zombie brides, vampire strippers, and other macabre sex-symbols work when the girl in question is a hot blonde covered in strawberry jam. Extreme goths and moody emo chicks take it to another level. Are you a necrophiliac? Do you like humping corpses? Okay, then let’s leave the undead to George Romero.

He had sex on those sheets just last night. Didn't wash 'em.

2. JUST SAY NO-GA!

Toga parties never work. For some people, there isn’t enough sheet; for others, too much sheet. Either way, when the sheet hits the floor, it’s never to unveil the aforementioned hot blonde, but to reveal Jerry, the self-proclaimed lover of all things fried. At least the huge breast requirement is fulfilled.

Stop smiling, Candy! You're about to be digested!

3. IIIIIIIIIIIIIII (DON’T) WANT CANDY!

Giant candy is.. not hot. An M & M is certainly delicious but definitely not sexy unless used as a bikini. That “female” green M&M is the most disturbing character since the female gremlin in Gremlins 2. Food-themed costumes bring up a whole set of strange fetishes best reserved for the kitchen… in Hell.

I prefer shaved.

4. SHAKE THAT BEAR!

Speaking of fetishes, animal-themed costume parties now belong to a bizarre subset known as “furries” or those who take pleasure in sexual acts while dolled up as some sort of animal. For your reputation, abstain. Or you will end up WITH stains. Ew.

This week on "Behind The Mask" - cold sores.

5. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOKIN’ … NOT!

Masquerade parties can be sexy… until the masks come off.  Everyone tends to leave such parties feeling disgusted, ashamed, and slightly itchy in the nether regions.

So, if you’re a hot girl, stick to the basics. Show as MUCH skin as possible. If you’re a guy who wants the hot girl, make sure to wear a costume that allows easy access to the mouth and genitals. And avoid throwing these 7 douchy theme parties. Trust me, I drink Dr. Pepper.

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