The car you drive says a lot about who you are as a man. It defines your personality to the world around you, as you whiz past at 80-MPH. It is your home away from home, your out-0f-the-office office. And, if you’re lucky, it plays a major factor in helping get you laid. But if you drive one of these tool boxes, don’t be surprised if everyone else on the road wants to punch you in the face.
If you drive a Hummer and you aren’t a Marine then you are a fuel abusing, environmentally unfriendly, can’t-find-a-parking-spot-for-that-useless-tank tool. You’d be better off driving an 18-wheeler cross country.
4. Smart Car
Unless you are a midget (or vertically-challenged-yet-fully-functional person, whatever the politically correct term is today), you have no business driving a Smart Car. What your car says is that being environmentally friendly is great but being an environmentally friendly attention whore is better.
3. Plymouth Prowler
If the wheels of your car aren’t located underneath the body of the car then you deserve what happens to one of them when you hit a speed bump. The only reason to be driving a Prowler is if you’re going full speed towards a wall.
2. Nissan Cube
“It’s not a car, it’s a mobile device.” It’s not a mobile device, it’s a box with wheels that encourages you to be distracted while driving and plow into a school bus. The only reason you should be driving the Cube is if you’re driving right behind the Prowler towards the wall.
1. Ford Taurus
It not that it is a ridiculous looking car, it’s just that you bought it for less money than you will be spending on repairs for the damn thing. Enjoy your time at the auto shop, your new home away from home.