COED’s Open Letter To Freshman of America

Congratulations!  We are pleased to inform you that you have made it to the tender age of college-hood, which is anywhere from 11 – 85, depending on your life circumstances.  In any event, kudos on filling out the application and having at least some spark of potential.  As well as signing /drinking your life away to student loans–or, having convinced your ultra-rich parents to sponsor your four-year long high school graduation party.  Here’s to you, Mr. Freshman, one way or another.

Bags packed?  Got your condoms, pencils, laptops, lighters, curtains, mini-fridge, and tooth brush?  Clean socks?  Excellent!  You’re officially ready to partake in the merry ritual of attending Drunken Degree Camp.

Oh, you may think it’s all ta-tas and keggers from this point on (and you’re about 97.5% correct), but be sure, there will be papers.  Oh, yes!  And projects, too.  Throw in a dash of ulcer-inducing final exams, sprinkle with a bit of missing important financial aid paperwork, and you’ve got a freshly-baked loaf of college.  Smell it?  Ah, yes, sweat and tears of failure.  Scrumptious.

Chin up!  You’ll meet plenty of interesting people–some naked, some not–and may even have the opportunity to defend yourself against their attempts to rob your side of the dorm room.  You may, as has been known to happen, meet your best friend, worst enemy, future wife, future prosecutor, former fling, future former fling, or any one of the many inspiring college characters coming your way.

Throwing up at least once is vital to the experience!  Your choice of nerves, alcohol poisoning, or cafeteria food.  Additionally, secure yourself some local college-town employment or on-campus joke of a position to help you meet new people.  After all, you can never have too many ganja connections.  Especially on meatloaf night.

Finally, don’t waste your money–pass your classes so you’re not paying off your $200,000 drinking binge with nothing to show for it.  Helpful tips in doing so include wearing pants to class, completing assignments on time, and sleeping with the hot teacher’s assistant.  The latter may or may not lower your final grade–extra credit is graded too, so make sure you do it right!

Beware of hazing, and be sure to check out the pool on the roof.  Shotgun a beer in toast of your escape from your parents’ basement; you deserve it!

Togas ahoy,

COED, Class of 2010

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