Boyfriends and girlfriends have lie to each other. That’s just a cold, hard fact. There are times when telling the truth will only lead to a Hollywood-esuqe break-up, so why not avoid that whenever possible? Women aren’t going to lie often and not on a whim, but only in certain circumstances where telling the truth would only get sticky. So here you are guys – the few times when I am almost definitely going to lie straight to your face!
1. When you ask me what I think of your mom
I know the way you are about your mother. I also know how I feel about your mom. So as soon as you hit me with the dreaded ‘So you like my mom don’t you?’ I am sure as hell going to lie. Yes, I think it’s wonderful that she still irons your underwear for you every time you come home from college; no, I’ve never noticed the disapproving looks she gives me if I wear anything less than a turtle-neck and of course, I adore her special standard Sunday lunch. Every. Single. Sunday. If anything, you should be flattered that I take the time to pretend to like your mommy – it shows that I love you enough to know that you would dump me in a heartbeat if I said one bad word about the main woman in your life!
2. When I open my birthday gift
I understand that you had the best intentions, did weeks of research and spent a month’s drinking money on the most lavish looking bracelet/bottle of perfume/blouse you could find and I refuse to break your heart by telling you I would have preferred a gift token. So I smile, gush, maybe even tear up a little and wear/use the damn thing every single time I see you. Thing is, I know you do exactly the same when I give you gifts, so I refuse to feel guilty. I lie, you lie, we all lie at the most special times of year and we do it to keep a happy home happy.
3. When we talk about sex
Invariably, any conversation you and I have about sex is going to result in some tall tales. For example, when you ask if you’re the best I’ve ever had, or you question me on some crazy past escapades etc. It’s not so much that I’m trying to spare your feelings, but more that I’m trying to retain my own dignity and be the girl that you want me to be. Of course I’d never lie about something really major but I believe that complete and utter honesty when it comes to matters of intimacy can be dangerous – the truths of my past sex life are irrelevant now. I’m having sex with you now, and I love it, and that’s all you need to know.
4. When you ask me if I think an ugly girl is pretty
This can be confusing for guys, so I’m going to clear it up here and now. You see an unattractive girl and take pleasure in pointing her out to me….this is where I freeze. I cannot, for the life of me, find the words to agree with you. Instead I stammer and trip over my tongue until I find enough time to compose myself and say, ‘I actually think she’s really pretty’. Technically, I am lying to you because I don’t really think she’s pretty. But it is ingrained in my female brain to never ever betray my own gender and therefore I must scrutinize this girl until I find something remotely attractive about her…which is why I usually follow this comment by something like, ‘She has really rosy cheeks’.
5. When you blow me off to hang out with the guys
“Oh, you got tickets to the game? That’s great, sweetie…no of course I don’t mind! I think it’s wonderful that you get to spend so much time with the guys…what? Oh no, don’t worry, I had nothing special planned…” Just an intimate meal which took four hours in the kitchen and cost fifty dollars worth of damn expensive ingredients to make – not to mention the insanely elaborate surprise I had arranged for ‘dessert’. But no, you go spend yet another night with your idiot friends and I’ll pretend to be just fine with it. Just to let you know for future reference guys, you do this, I lie and inside, my heart is breaking. So for once, read between the lines and just stay home with me!