How To Drop a Deuce In College

Going to college fosters several changes in one’s life. That goes without saying. Students must adjust to a fast paced lifestyle of partying, studying, and working, and in that order. But besides these obvious changes, some of us have to adjust to the idea of a communal bathroom. Now, not having to share a bathroom since my sister left for college three years earlier, I had gotten use to taking my time and not worrying about disturbing others with various noises and smells, other then myself. Even the family cat knew to stay away from my bathroom.

Let me preface my story by saying I did not take a “dump” at my high school all four years. Either, I never had to or I did not want to, it’s hard to say. I remember my first public poop like it was yesterday.

It wasn’t. It was five years ago, at Dulles Airport in the left stall of the new wing. Right next to the Panda Express, which I had just bought and consumed a large bowl of General Tso’s chicken and fried rice. (Well, I didn’t pay for it, my mother did. I didn’t have any money, but that’s a whole other story.) But needless to say, after the greasy Chinese food I had to hit the little boy’s room. I knew I could probably survive the four hour flight from Virginia to Michigan but didn’t want to put myself in a compromising position. I do not poop on planes because I feel it is rude to other passengers who have to use the facilities after you. So being the martyr I am, I went into the bathroom and conducted my business. This was a very pleasant experience because there was no one around but it was still in a public domain.

What I discovered on entering college is I am not a fan of having other people hear me “dropping the kids off at the pool,” because sometimes the kids are screaming. I have been on the receiving end where I enter a bathroom and hear some disgusting noises that make you want to cut your ears off. So again, being the martyr I am by sacrificing my convenience for others’ personal clean air and ears, what did I do? I found three semi private bathrooms around campus that I claimed as my own private porcelain thrones.

The first one was located in the bottom floor of the science building. I would use this one after five o’clock because the chances of anyone going there were slim. This gave me the comfort to sit and relax instead of feeling the pressure to “shit or get off the pot.” Also it was in close proximity to the library and gym.

The second spot was located in the basement of the English, Linguistics and Speech building. I would only use this in emergencies induced by too many cups of coffee.

The third and final private bathroom was the second floor administration building. The chance of anyone going to those bathrooms was almost nonexistent. This was the best location a guy could ask for. Low traffic and low chance of seeing someone you might know.

So there you have it, my solution to the communal bathroom problem. I found alternative locations. But that is not the only solution. Maybe going in the middle of the day or early in the morning can give you that privacy you desire. But needless to say, drink three cups of coffee, or eat a Chipotle burrito and you will quickly get over that fear because you will be “running” in pain. At least for that trip to “drop the deuce.”

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