Fraternity. It’s synonymous with brotherhood. Or maybe it’s the very definition of brotherhood. And like real brotherhood’s charlie horses, dead legs, rat tails, and atomic sit-ups, there are major prices to having a fraternity brother as well: member dues, emergency keg funds, stripper fees, and hospital bills. As many freshmen think about which fraternity to join on campus, they have to ask themselves: Am I willing to pay that price? If your answer is a meager, “No thanks,” then we wish you the best of luck in your collegiate endeavors, you g*ddamn independent. If your answer is a hearty, “Yes,” then you need to know exactly what you’re getting into – what kind of “brothers” you’ll be pledging with, beer-bonging with, keg-tossing with, and threesoming with. Luckily, we at COED have put together a handy little cheat sheet to help freshmen – and those slacker sophomores who regret not pledging the year before – navigate the Greek scene by profiling each kind of “Frat Guy.”
1. Ronnie ROTC aka Pledge Educator
This guy has no problem putting you in your place and will most likely be the drill sergeant barking out orders during the pledge process. He WILL make you cry. Little do you know he wears women’s underwear and likes it from behind. A-TEN-SLUT!
2. Petey Party aka Social Chair
This future club promoter has connections and is not afraid to use them. He collects money for securing kegs, thirty packs, handles (plastic, of course), and roofies. He makes sure to flyer women’s dormitories, women’s bathrooms, women’s lib classes, and women’s locker rooms. If there aren’t any women at your frat house party, THIS is the guy to blame. He has to exude charm and charisma when coaxing ladies to “stop by” – he musn’t have any shame in his game. Oftentimes, the social chair takes one for the team and gets into a relationship with a bitch hot girl in the most popular sorority to guarantee higher volume of hot chicks at parties. Some may call him greasy, shady, sketchy, or slimy, but one thing they won’t call him is “poor” (HINT: he skims off the social fund).
3. Freddy Foreigner aka The Foreign Dude
This transatlantic transplant has a funny accent, say funny things, and is generally displeased or pissed off with American collegiate culture. We’re not talking about cockameme English fops who basically crush every other brother in number of girls they’ve bedded. No, we’re talking one (1) semester of English under their belt, and an extensive knowledge of 1980s music and movies. These guys could very well be THE SH*T back in their homeland, but the inability to effectively communicate one’s views puts him on par with meatheads/guidos: angry, confused, loud, and frustrated BUT awesome to hang out with at parties because of the high probability of a fight or ridiculous pick-up line.
4. Mikey Meathead aka Eminent Warden
Every good fraternity has to have muscle. Most athlete fraternities are all set when it comes to fulfilling this position, but you have to wonder what the discussion is like at the swimmer’s fraternity or stoner fraternity…
STONER BROTHER #1: “Yeah, so, uh… what if… what if like… a situation happened where someone is like… pissed off… and the dude gets all, like, physical…”
STONER BROTHER #2: “You mean… like… he just starts, like, groping people?”
STONER BROTHER #3: “Dude, I would freak the F*CK out. I don’t like being touched.”
STONER BROTHER #1 (to #3): “Would you, like, be willing to, like, punch someone?”
STONER BROTHER #3: “I took Tiger Shulman’s kickboxing class when I was, like, 8.”
STONER BROTHER #1: “Okay, you’re house warden.”
Mike Meathead has every supplement known to man, has either dabbled with known steroids or is currently taking something dangerously close to becoming a steroid. Can be seen shirtless or in a wifebeater 9 out of 10 times and will either have an insanely hot fitness model girlfriend who’s borderline anorexic or will run through fat chicks like it’s his cardio day.
5. Gary Gambler aka Eminent Treasurer
He’s been known to double down more than a couple times and will bring up the fact “funds are low” at every brother meeting. Funds are low because his BoDog account needs replenishing. Never watch sporting events with this guy unless you’ve got green to waste. Even if you win, you can rest assured knowing it will be recycled. Take the spread? Take a long walk off a short pier, guy.
6. Sammy Sophistication aka Alumni Relations
He enjoys the finer things in life, owns designer clothing, has the best room, decorated with breathtaking works of art. His mini-bar holds the good stuff – Johnny Walker Blue, Dom P, Cristal, imported micro-brews. His music is jazz or some orchestra nonsense played on the latest computer/stereo system. He’s mature beyond his years and because he has an appreciation for his possessions and for looking his best, this is the dude they send out to get money from rich alums. He’s also the person you’d want to go on a sex tourism trip with – just sayin’…
7. Larry Lawyer aka Eminent Risk Manager
There are two kinds of lawyers: worrywarts and work-arounders. If you get a worrywart, you might as well cash in your fun checks and file for joy bankruptcy. He’ll nix any creative idea you have – roof diving, paintball firing line, firecracker baseball – in a heartbeat. Sure, you’ll never get arrested or go on probation but you’ll also lose the respect and admiration of your peers. Work-arounders are smart, cunning, and resourceful. Cops raid the pre-frosh punch-fueled gang-bang? He submits a forged letter from the Dean granting permission to do experimental research on the effects of adolescent alcohol abuse in a controlled environment (results are positive) and he manages to have the cop suspended for the unsubstantiated raid. Solid dude.
8. Andy Enthusiasm aka Rush Chair
There is absolutely nothing bad, incorrect, or wrong about his fraternity. He champions the frat at all times, and he’s as nice as can be. His frat throws the sickest parties attended by the hottest girls. Everything he owns has his frat’s greek letters on them – shirts, pants, shorts, boxers, hat, condoms, bed sheets, golf bag, bowling ball, bumper sticker, towels, shot glasses, draft glasses, and sunglasses. Ironically, instead of supporting this guy, he ends up getting sh*t upon by the rest of the fraternity. He will end up working for “National” after graduation or become a male cheerleader for some unsuspecting corporate executive or congressman.
9. Nate Nutjob aka Donny Dare
There are guys who like to party. There are guys who can be classified as party animals. Then, there are these guys. Willing to take on any challenge no matter what the cost or repercussion. To the extreme. Balls to the wall. Broken bones, broken windows, broken doors, broken toilets, broken hearts (better than lonely hearts). It would take a tsunami wrapped in a monsoon covered in hurricane sauce and topped off with earthquake for these guys to learn a lesson. Somehow, they always end up on their feet and in a way better spot down the road. I guess they’ve excreted a lifetime of transgressions in 4 years.
10. Fat Guy in a Hawaiian Shirt
Sure he gets all the hugs, but you take that shirt away and he’s powerless. Yet, if you watch primetime sitcoms, that’s the best way to marry a hot girl (Family Guy, The Simpsons, King of Queens, According to Jim, etc.) Slate.com has a great article on this fatty TV phenomenon.
11. Paulie Pusherman
Has drugs, will push them. Always hanging with hot chicks, but they have no interest in him or his weiner. Might score some ass with the poor hot chicks, who will gladly exchange T and/or A for some drogas.
So, there you have it. The guide isn’t foolproof but it’s damn near close. Feel free to send in suggestions or complaints, but before you do, drop down and gimme 20. NOW.