The 8 Places You Lost Your V-Card (and What It Says About You)

When it pertains to losing that precious V-card (which ranks closely behind your ATM, SSN, Driver’s license, and Sam’s Card) two question’s always come up: who was it and how old were you. If your girl had a weird name, questionable hygiene, or was just flat out sketchy, she’ll be blamed for all your sexual issues for the rest of your life. But what about WHERE you did the deed for the first time? Odd locales aren’t just for the seasoned sinner. In fact, if your first time was in a pretty memorable place, that could almost trump the fact that the event happened with someone you’d just as soon forget.

1. A bedroom

You’re practical, traditional and by the book. In nice person speak, that means you’re a big, dull DUD. Just kidding. You have a perfectly normal sex life and are a very well-adjusted adult. You pay your bills on time, you call your landlord when the pipes bust in your apartment, and you do your laundry every 10-15 days. See that sticker on the front glass of your car that tells you when you should be due for your next oil change? Fast forward to that date and BOOM: you’re there. I’m running out of ways to describe your logic so take it for what it’s worth.

2. A car

You’re a bit of an impulsive exhibitionist with a devil may care attitude. If the moment strikes you to do something, it’s safe to say that you won’t be stopped until the damn thing is done. Like banging in a car. Unfortunately this may also mean that you are a generally filthy bastard. Cars are germy and the average driver probably doesn’t take care of the inside of their car as well as they do the outside. See those rims, window tints and pimping your ride? Take those back and invest in some baby wipes, air freshener’s and then save some quarters to vacuum your mats. So fresh, so clean and so much less likely to catch E. Coli or Swine Flu that’s floating around you or your spouses car.

3. Parent’s bedroom

Daddy issues, daddy issues, and more daddy issues. Daddy issues usually go hand in hand with crazy broads but not always. Guys have their own ways to rebel against their pops. And getting that maiden schthup off in the same bed that your dad rests his head after a day of ball busting and all-around prickishness is just the way to really stick it to the old man. If your dad is riding your ass about anything ranging from being a wayward, directionless little shit to forgetting to clean up a lone Ramen Noodle on the kitchen counter, nothing is going to soothe your soul like getting unholy for the first time on your dad’s side of the bed. Even if it isn’t your first time, you can pretend it is and then rub his face in it like you did.

4. The wooded area behind your house

You’re one with nature and think that Mother Nature is the greatest natural resource that we have. At least that’s what you tell yourself. Because if you knew Mother Nature at all, you’d know that the last thing that she wants to see is your naked rear end, your “O” face that could double as a “diarrhea struggle grimace,” and a rogue condom on her floor. You’re a green hipster in practice but not necessarily in execution. You are oblivious to bug bites, poison ivy, and don’t mind doing doggy style in front of, you know, dogs.

5. In space

You’re a planner. And while that’s usually a bad thing, in this case it provides you with an epic trump card. Space sex is the dream of any man. But when you blast off into the sex universe with an other worldly first time, you’ve essentially topped the biggest story topper you know. It felt like you were walking on air after your first time? Well I was ACTUALLY floating on air during my first time. Suck on that.

6. At school

This either went down one of two ways: you convinced your significant other that this was the perfect moment and figured that relieving some tension before the big game against “Central” would ultimately help your performance. Or it was a late night of studying with that best friend that sometimes gives you wowsers in your trousers. And instead of studying and after an impromptu detour into discussing your lifelong relationship, as opposed to the Magna Carta, you end up awkwardly writhing on the big table in the reference section. The point being that if school wasn’t lame enough, it will be double that knowing that you lost the v-card in school. Time to start registering for the GED, I guess.

7. An office building

You have a some meetings with human resources in your future. And a sexual harassment seminar. And a shrink.

8. A barn

You’re probably a redneck…and it was probably your sister.

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