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Movies This Week: July 9th, 2010

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Twilight Gaga Poo Poo Total Eclipse of My Fart won the box office over the holiday weekend. I really hope the producers throw a curveball at all these tweens and genetically splice Edward and Jacob to put an end to this Team this or that bs. That way Bella can quit tormenting herself and have a bunch of vampire-wolf babies. Last Airbender surprised a bunch of peeps, mostly those giving it a 4% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes.com. Cyrus came in at #10! Summer’s best comedy? Yeah, I called it. This weekend’s entries feature producers/editors, moon thieves, fake babies, nukes, terrorist farmers, pink eye victims, The Last Airhead, and the world’s angriest man. Previews go now!

You're all ugly motherf*ckers. Except her. ©2010 20th Century Fox

Predators
20th Century Fox
How does everyone feel about Adrien Brody as an action star? I mean, this is the same guy who won an Oscar for The Penis, sorry The Pianist, pranced around for a Diet Coke commercial, and played a mentally challenged dude in The Village. That said, Hugh Jackman sings showtunes and I can’t get enough Wolverine, so go figure. Brody beefed up for this role, which pits him as a mercenary amongst killers hunted by predators on a planet that serves as their game reserve. Kind of reminds me of 1994’s “Surviving The Game” which starred Ice T as a homeless man abducted and hunted for sport  in a modern day version of “The Most Dangerous Game.” Come to think of it, Ice T had dreads that look a LOT like those weird hair tentacles on a predator. Nice try, Hollywood. Nice try. Film’s written by first time screenwriters Michael Finch and Alex Litvak, and directed by Nimrod Antal who won a boatload of awards for 2003’s “Control”. Danny Trejo, Laurence Fishburne, and Topher Grace, yes, Eddie Brock himself, also star. I Am Legend’s Alice Braga does her best impression of Anna from the 1987 original.

Written, directed, and produced by Daffy Duck ©2010 Universal Pictures

Despicable Me
Universal Pictures
A dastardly Uncle Fester-looking dude by the name of Gru (voiced by Steve Carell) plans on ganking the moon with the help of little goggled yellow creatures that remind me an awful lot of Rayman Raving Rabbids. In fact, in Rabbids Go Home, the rabbit-like nutjobs try to steal everything in sight to reach the moon. Guys, the moon controls waves. Other than that, it looks like cheese. Let’s get off its nuts. Anyway, Gru’s plans for lunar theft are slightly derailed when he takes in three orphan girls. As the poster reads, Gru goes from Superbad to Superdad. How clever. If I were director of “Superbad” Judd Apatow, I’d sue. If I were Clark Kent, unexpected alien dad of a hybrid baby in 2006’s Superman Returns, I’d sue. The makers of the Fart Gun should sue. Peggy Sue should sue. Other than Steve “Even In Animated Movies I Have A Big Schnoz” Carell, cast includes Jason Segel, Russell Brand, Will Arnett, Kristen Wiig, Jemaine Clement, 30 Rock’s Jack McBrayer, and Kenny Powers himself, Danny McBride. I’d pay to see that cast do a live action R-rated movie with the same title.

Then go left, dude ©2010 Focus Features

The Kids Are All Right
Focus Features
This R-rated comedy centers on a lesbian couple played by Julianne Moore and Annette Bening who’ve mothered two children conceived by artificial insemination. The kids grow up and curious about how REAL babies are made and contact the sperm bank to see who the donor is. Turns out it’s me. Hey, listen, recession, okay? Recession. How else can I afford HBO AND Netflix? No, actually, the mystery babymaker is a gentleman played by Mark Ruffalo. According to the movie’s tagline, the let’s-be-friends had the perfect family until the father came back into their lives. Gee, why not release this on Father’s Day? Men are evil. We get it. We like to eat, beat, maim, murder, molest, and multiply.  Well, guess what. Both Antwon Fisher and Daunte Culpepper were born in jail. Maybe if women showed some sack and robbed a few bitches, you could produce a screenwriter or Pro Bowl QB. Screenplay is by Stuart Blumberg who not only wrote 2004’s highly underrated “The Girl Next Door” but also played the Car Salesman in “Fight Club“. I’m sold!

Cue "Final Countdown" by Europe © 2010 Magnolia Pictures

Countdown To Zero
Magnolia Pictures
In the mood for a heartwarming, lighthearted documentary that revels in the splendor and grandeur that is post-Cold War paranoia? Okay, so maybe it’s not paranoia and it’s more irrefutable or perhaps even undeniable evidence that we’re all about to die via the nuke. That’s right, finally, DUKE NUKEM the movie is on it’s way! You don’t know how many quarters I sank into that machine while ON VACATION in the Grand Cayman Islands to see this day. Oh, it’s not a biopic on the greatest jacked dude with a blonde flat top outside of Dolph Lundgren? According to the trailer, I can score some uranium or unobtainium pretty easily. So, honestly, ladies, you better start giving it up or I’mma take us all down. From the producers of “An Inconvenient Truth” comes, “We’re All Going To Die.” It’s fun for the WHOLE family until they’re blown to bits by a nuke.

Where's The Last Airbender at? ©2010 Music Box Films

The Girl Who Played With Fire
Music Box Films
I once knew a girl who played with fire. Man, was she hot. ZING! This Swedish film is based on the bestselling novel of the same name and the second in a trilogy. Trilogies always have one stinker and it’s usually the second, but this “porno for pyros” title ensures it will avoid that  fate. The titular character is suspected of murdering a journalist, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s silent guardian, THE DARK KNIGHT! No, not the Watchful Protector, that was a fib. At the publication where the journo works, the editor-in-chief desperately tries to reach her before the cops or criminals do. According to the movie’s official site, she’s “fierce when fearful.” Ah, yes, but is she Sascha Fierce? All my single ladies…play with fire. As Jackie Moon would say in reference to the Swedes, “they sure do make a good f*ck picture!”

Smells like a 2 hour blue ball extravaganza ©2010 Eros Entertainment

Milenge Milenge
Eros Entertainment
Milenge Milenge (translation: We will meet, we will meet) is “inspired by” the 2001 romantic comedy Serendipity starring Kate “Awesome Furrowed Brow Face” Beckinsale and John “Awesome Surprised Face” Cusack, according to Wikipedia. I’m already weeping. The film’s stars Shahid Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor appear in their fifth film together – they’re like the Kate Hudson and Matt McConawhereismyshirt of Bollywood. The plot focuses on a girl who gets a tarot card reading that states she’ll meet a dude at a specific time wearing specific clothes and fall in love. So, she meets him. She falls in love. Then, she’s like, “Ooo, I’m now going to test this love, if we’re meant to be, we will meet again and it will mean we should be together forever.” Jesus Christ, ladies, stop it. Okay? Just… stop it.

way better than RECtal ©2010 Magnolia Pictures

Rec 2
Magnolia Pictures
I saw a preview of this highly anticipated sequel on HDNet and it looks pretty bad ass. It puts the audience in the first person perspective a la Blair Witch Project and Doom as a member of a swat team who’s sent into a quarantined apartment building infested with peeps who are infected with a virus. I know what you’re thinking, “Cripes, ANOTHER zombie movie?” but weren’t a lot of people saying, “Cripes, ANOTHER alien movie!” when District 9 released? Critics are comparing this to Paranormal Activity. I’m comparing it to the time we went on a panty raid at summer camp. Lost a lot of good men that night.

Is this like code black in Grey's Anatomy? ©2010 Independent Bollywood

Red Alert: The War Within
Independent Bollywood
The title of this award winning Indian actioner is based on a true story of a impoverished farm worker who gets entangled in a hostile faction of the Naxalite Movement. Sounds an awful lot like what happens after I eat Taco Bell. WARNING! Approaching Chalupa 12 o’clock! All dookies aside, this flick is a harrowing tale of how far people will go for their kids. Dude just wants to make sure his children receive a decent education and is running out of options. If he were a chick, simple move would be to rent out that coochie, but, alas, tranny prostitutes just don’t make the kind of coin that straight females do. As much I bitch and complain about my work situation, I have to assume the threat of getting shot or blown up every waking moment is a little more stressful than my subway commute. But, it is SO HOT down there. JEEZ!

Master of karate. Friend to everyone. ©2010 Kino International

Winnebago Man
Kino International
I’d like to think of myself as Captain Internet, but how is it I’ve never heard of Jack Rebney, the Winnebago salesperson who absolutely loses his sh*t in a series of outtakes from a commercial shot some twenty years ago? I feel like I’ve let my friends, family, and loved ones down. Big time. Oh, he’s “the most famous man you’ve never heard of”? That makes me feel a little better. His YouTube clips have totaled more than 20 million views and have earned him the title of “Angriest Man in the World” which I’m currently challenging. That’s right, Jack. I’m comin’ for ya. This guy curses so much, he makes The Dude and Scarface blush. Don’t believe me? Check out the uncensored video. Also, if they ever make a studio version of this flick, you HAVE to get either Dabney Coleman or John Locke (Terry O’Quinn) to play him.

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