10 Best Ways to Kill Time at Work

Work sucks. Even for those lucky guys with the dream jobs, it still largely sucks. Which is why things like Facebook, Ebay, and solitaire were invented. Without these time-killers every single man in the world would likely have gone postal on their coworkers — which is a lesson to all of you workaholics out there: don’t wait until you are homicidal! Take action now to reduce the pressure that naturally builds from the boredom of the 9 to 5 grind. It’s not wasting time or displaying “poor work ethic.” No, it’s actually saving lives. So use this guide to help you manage that bone-crunching, spirit crushing, mind numbing, endless work related hours of tedious boredom.
1. Facebook – Now for those of you who live in a cave that doesn’t have internet, Facebook is not actually a book. Or a face. It is a devious website on the “internet” designed solely to suck time away from those with too much of it (those who work). Get involved in the many games offered and build your community. You’ll meet people you never knew you cared about and get involved in all kinds of crazy social network shenanigans. Oh and you’ll be able to stalk your ex-girlfriend like never before.
2. Ebay – This is of course, like #1, assuming you have a computer, access to the internet, and are not Barney Rubble. Although he probably uses Ebay too. Anything that you could ever possibly want to buy, can be found on Ebay for cheaper than where you would otherwise buy it. Except maybe fruit. And meat. For everything else, use the vast amount of extra time at work to shop for all the things you need so that weekend chore time can be devoted to drinking.
3. Research – And I’m not talking about doing a study on the mating habits of pygmy penguins, I’m talking about researching the cool stuff in your city, like happy hours, deals, and, uhh, happy hours. What better way to spend your work day than planning your post-work boozing? And you’ll save money! Which is almost the same as working!
4. Contact your mother – Seriously. Or use your precious weekend/evening minutes talking to her about the kids you haven’t given her yet, or the money she spent on you. Your choice.
5. Call your girlfriend – Assuming you have some privacy, or if you don’t, that you are skilled enough to make phone sex sound like you’re talking to a customer or something.
6. MMOG. Massive, Multiplayer Online Games – There are hundreds of them, and most of them are free. The only danger here is that you start getting so nerdy that you play them after work too. So only do this if you can keep your work life separate from your after work life.
7. Write. Blog, or write articles, or reviews – There are many places online that you can sell crap that you’ve written. Use your god-given free work time to make some money, or make a name for yourself. Hell, you can even make money writing erotica. And what better way to spend your time at work than making money thinking about sex?
8. Read – Whether it be homework from class or the Kama Sutra, reading is an old standby. These days you don’t even need to bring a boring old dusty book to work to kill time reading, you can just read stuff online! You wouldn’t believe the amount of erotica available online (see #7 above). Just be careful that you don’t have any pornographic images up on your computer screen if you don’t have total privacy.
9. YouTube – If you have ever visited YouTube (and you have because it’s 2010), you know very well how much of a time waster it can be. Or how unbelievably hilarious. Watching a cat chasing a dog has never been so funny!
10. Chat with Co-workers – Before there was Facebook there was what old people call “mingling.” Apparently, it involves walking up near somebody and getting their attention by saying “hi” or something like that. This is basically the equivalent of sending a message or writing on their wall. But this way, they actually turn towards you and look at you! So be careful not to nod off or belch. Because they can see and hear everything you do.

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