Will he leave? Will he stay? The courtship of Lebron James is in full throttle and sports fans across the nation are eagerly anticipating a hint as to where King James might be building his next castle. But the real question is, why the hell should he keep playing anywhere? Sure he doesn’t have any championships, but LBJ does have ooddles of money — so why not give something else a go? In case my theory is right and James does leave hoops for good, here’s my list of the 10 things he should be doing next year instead of playing for any NBA team.
1. Buy his own team.
Being a sports fanatic and raking in at least 40 million dollars annually (according to Forbes) makes me think that the front office might be a great place for James. While attaining 100% ownership of his current team might be kind of hard — ESPN.com has the Clevaland Caviliers valued at $258 million–but he could feasibly buy an NHL team like the Edmonton($86 million) Oilers or maybe a baseball team like the Washington Nationals ($108 million).
2. Finance his own movie.
Also another legitimate avenue for Lebron to persue. He’s already had a feature film/documentary made about him so why not take the next step and make his own movie? Despite their sometimes monster budgets a good film doesn’t have to cost 100 million dollars to make, for example Jurassic Park only cost $63 million. I see James playing an outcast in a futuristic world where an evil regime, played by the entire Boston Celtics team, has destroyed the kingdom by pissing and moaning so much that everyone just begins killing themselves to make the noise stop.
3. Buy his own island and build a resort…no seriously, he could.
Vladiprivateislands.com lists a 500 acre piece of property in the Virgin Islands at a mere $45 million. James has enough to buy the land, build a resort, and make sure that every room has a golden statue cast in his likeness in it.
4. Finally go to college.
Lebron James makes $21,000 dollars an hour so by the time he’s done with his work week, he’s probably paid off your entire college tuition. So why not pull a Rodney Dangerfield and go back to school? Except, it’s going to be pretty hard to focus with legions of adoring fans mobbing him wherever he goes so it only makes sense that he buys his own college with full faculty and staff, but non of us pesky students.
5. Pay Joakim Noah to live in Cleveland for the rest of career.
During their playoff series, Joakim Noah had some choice words for the city of Cleveland. So why not show him exactly what makes the city so special by buying the rights to his contract and forcing him to play for the Cavs for the rest of his career? Downside: If the people of Cleveland didn’t hate him for abandoning them, they sure as hell will hate him for dumping another useless seven footer within their city limits.
6. Re-shoot lost.
I for one thought the whole alternate reality thing was a bit of a cop out so what if King James did me a royal favor and just re-shot the whole final season of Lost? He’s got enough bank to pay the cast and crew and assuming he bought that island that we talk about before, all he needs is a camera and a writer, then poof! It’s like Jack never dies in that final episode (Sorry for spoiling it but really, if you haven’t seen it by now you were never going to anyways.)
7. End Ke$ha’s career.
What if Lebron James paid this budding pop “artist” a years salary just to stop? The world would be a better place without the doe-eyed, incomprehensible stylings of the worlds most recent random musical success. And what if she doesn’t want to stop singing you ask? How about he just puts out a $40 million dollar bounty on her head and whatever happens, happens?
8. Get rid of those awkward players who should just give up.
So Lebron’s out of the game, that doesn’t mean just any loser should be able to take his place. Lebron could take a year off and do the whole league a favor by buying out the contracts of the perenial bench warmers. Sick of seeing Brian Scalabrine be the first one to do something obnoxious after a Celtics win? Do you feel like Adam Morrison just doesn’t quite look right sitting on the Lakers’ bench in a suit during finals? No worries, James could take care of all the talentless hangers-on with a simple stroke of a pen.
9. Start his own sport.
Rob Dyrdek just started his own street skateboarding league, how hard could it be for a guy who makes $40 million a year to do the same thing? But being Lebron James comes with a certain amount of expectation, meaning people are going to want James to change the way we view sports. So why not just create a new one? I suggest a mesh between quiddich and slam ball. It can be every four years like the World Cup and besides winning the $100,000 purse, James will sign the winner’s body cast.
Let’s be real, the guy makes more in a month than most of us will ever see in a life time, he doesn’t have to do jack $#!*.
Regardless of whether or not Lebron does play next year, it’s important to note that even if you made $100,000 last year it would still take you 438 years to match the annual salary of James. It must be good to be the king.