Has Megan Fox jumped the shark!? Is she going the way of George Clooney in terms of monster star power that doesn’t translate to bookoo cash at the box office? Jonah Hex did worse than the subpar performing “Prince of Persia” and just narrowly edged “Killers”. KILLERS! The Karate Kid and A-Team each dropped a slot while Get Him To The Greek rocked past Shrek 4eva. This week theaters welcome sexy spies, childish parents, protective parents, combat in the Middle East, revelations in South America, and teeth. No, not that movie about the chick with a vagina that had teeth. Did ANY DUDE watch that? No? Watch this trailer then read our bite-tastic previews!
20th Century Fox
Hollywood’s gone plum Cameron Diaz crazy. The trailer for “The Green Hornet” has just been released, in which Cammy plays the hot secretary of the title character and in no way should be confused with Pepper Potts. Pepper Potts vs. Cammy D would be a solid match up. She’s also the subject of Playboy’s Interview for the July issue, in which she mentions she has no qualms hopping on a flight for some c*ck. Her words, not mine. I would’ve said, “Daddy parts” because I’m a gentleman. Here, she plays a woman who is desperately sought after by secret agents. Protecting her is Tom Cruise‘s character, Roy Miller, who in less than a week went from most trusted covert operative to looney tune who poses a threat to the nation and possibly the world. Duo last starred together in Vanilla Sky, in which Diaz’s character permanently f’d Cruise’s character’s face when she yanked the wheel of their car sending them flying off a bridge. If you ever here the girl you’re breaking up with say, “But I swallowed your c*m” immediately tuck and roll out of the car. FUN FACT: Chris Tucker and Eva Mendes were originally tabbed for the roles that went to Cruise and Diaz.
I feel like I could get four of my junior high friends together and have a funnier time than watching this lackluster effort starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Sure, we wouldn’t have the budget to do what they do (swing rope!), but booze and drugs have been known to make me time travel on the cheap. Have to admit, the part of the trailer where Sandler says “wasted” means “hankering for ice cream” and the kids respond with “I want to get wasted. I want to get totally wasted” is comedy at its best. Also, who in the H is the on-fire blonde girl “mechanic” attempting to fix Spade’s car? Double also, would anyone rather watch the ACTUAL life stories of these five guys if they grew up together (or at least what would happen if they opened a burger joint)? Better yet, just show their childhood pics. Those are hilarious! Salma Hayek and her twins also star alongside Madison Riley (Zoey 101, Bratz: The Movie, Miss March) who better be legal or I’m jail bound, y’all!
The Truman Show meets M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Village” in this quirky Greek satire that follows a married couple desperately trying to shield their kids from the outside world at their beautiful, luxurious suburban estate. They tell wives’ tales, horror stories, and change the meanings of words to keep their children from leaving, claiming the kids will be physically unable to leave until one of their “dogteeth” falls out. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well, when a girl from the outside is brought in to sexually please the elder son, but ends up exchanging oral sex with the oldest daughter for headbands then movie tapes, the father begins handing out beatdowns. Film was a winner at Cannes 2009 and has been hailed as “one of the darkest, most unsettling, weirdest films of the year” by The London Times. Darker than Toy Story 3? Nice try, Brits!
National Geographic Entertainment
“Restrepo” is a documentary by that follows one platoon over one year in one valley in Afghanistan. Documenting it all are American photographer Tim Hetherington and British best-selling writer and journalist Sebastian Junger (“The Perfect Storm”) who were embedded with the platoon on assignment for Vanity Fair. The film received the Grand Jury Prize for best documentary at the 2010 Sundance Film Festival. Restrepo is the name of the 15-man outpost, so called in honor of a medic who lost his life serving with the platoon. It’s been called as, ” viscerally exciting as The Hurt Locker.” The footage captures the emotions of the soldiers in combat, there are no interviews with Afghans, diplomats, or generals – just a frank look at an infantry in combat.
Oscar-winning writer/director/producer Oliver Stone’s (“JFK”, “Platoon”, “Born on The Fourth of July”) last major motion picture was 2004’s Alexander, which failed to meet expectations, but this indie documentary looks promising along with a highly anticipated studio effort, “Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps” set to release in September. For this venture, Stone sets out on a road trip across five countries and interviews seven of its elected presidents while clearing up misperception of South America’s current socioeconomic situation. Are these territories as Anti-American as the media portrays them? Is Castro cuddlier than that teddy bear that hawks laundry detergent? Stone believes the US media needs to stop demonizing leaders in foreign countries. Is Stone a double agent? Cue Paranoid Android by Radiohead.
Sony Pictures Classics
In this French love story based on a novel, a middle-aged dentist has her handbag stolen. An unemployed husband in his 50s discovers the discarded wallet from said stolen handbag and returns it to the police station in hopes of courting the middle-aged dentist. At first, the tooth doctor doesn’t entertain the idea, but the married man continues his oddball advances. Their relationship turns rocky when his wife and her best friend get involved. In search of an answer, they agree to use their shared love of flying to travel to place where wild grass grows – Lady Gaga’s penis-gina or vageenis. On one end you have the independentist who’s never married and has no kids. She’s a free spirit. Opposing her is the married man who withholds a deep, dark secret. He’s confined by his marriage and his lack of income due to lack of job. She’s already complete and he yearns for someone to complete him. Those dentists, man. They all have it figured out.