Understanding the subtext of a conversation with a female can be a breeze… for some. For others, the well-honed womanly dialect falls upon deaf ears. They’re somehow genetically incapable of expressing themselves as freely as men, they often rely upon body language and tone of voice to communicate those hidden points. Here are a few simple rules for understanding those unspoken bits.
1. Watch her body language. If she’s playing with her hair, tugging on a necklace, or generally preoccupied during your discussion, she’s likely tuning you out in favor of her inner voice. Don’t be afraid to ask her what’s up; she’ll appreciate the interest as well as the fact that you noticed her apparent disinterest.
2. Listen for undertones. She may say something sounds “totally awesome,” but don’t take it at face value. If she’s bluffing, you’ll hear that disappointed lilt at the end of her sentence. Suggest alternate ideas and see how her tone changes.
3. Look her in the eye. Cliché tells us that they’re the “windows to the soul,” and it’s not a far off notion. She’ll look away if she’s not being truthful, at which point you can pry.
4. Be careful not to over-analyze her actions or you might find yourself single. Don’t accuse her of things without proper cause; fiddling with her earrings because you asked her about what she did last night doesn’t necessarily indicate that she cheated on you. Females are complex and often thinking about something entirely off subject. Take no offense, hearty lad; ’tis better the fair maiden be worried about her cat than you.
5. Texting is free of inflection and gestures. If you find yourself in a text battle because you’ve misconstrued some meaning, put the phone down and invite her out to lunch so you can exercise your skills in reading the signs.
6. Women are a mess of hormones at least 12 weeks out of the year, and that’s if they’re lucky. Try to be a little sensitive if she seems wildly emotional for no apparent reason; she didn’t willingly sign up for lifelong visits from Aunt Flo in 8th grade health class. On top of uncontrollable emotions, she’s probably in pain as well. Not a good time to bring up extreme mountain biking, guys.
7. If she doesn’t call you, it may be because she’s classic and is waiting for you to pick up the phone. Don’t be a whimp and cry “hard to get.” Man up, man. Chivalry doesn’t have to be quite so dead. Hold the door open for her, while you’re at it.
8. Girls hate having their eating habits analyzed in this overly thin media age in which we live. Don’t point out how much she eats or doesn’t eat, unless it’s turning into an extreme disorder. Leave her be at the dinner table to avoid offense; she’ll stop when she’s full, however long that might take.
9. Let her do her own thing sometimes. If you crowd her, she’ll likely get sick of you. Women do not dig the constant wounded puppy gimmick. It’s okay to spend some time apart; she can’t miss you if you’re always around.
10. There’s one golden rule. no matter the girl, it’s this: always, always, always remember to answer “No,” if she asks you if her dress makes her look fat. Even if she looks fat. ESPECIALLY if she looks fat. Bad things happen to men who call a woman out on her bulk. Very bad.