Admit it, perv: from the age of 13 and on, you’ve banged just about everywhere you can think of, from a backyard to a boiler room on the SS Titanic. Yep, you’ve dropped precious bodily fluids in all sorts of climates and locales, all from the air conditioned and tissues aplenty wonderland of your bathroom.
Tossing off to exotic, far flung (or just downright dirty) sex is a great male tradition, born out of the subconscious scarring of the time you walked in on your parents’ sad, emotionless bed top missionary style half-thrusting. But not all sex hideaways are created equal, and some supposedly hot spots are actually pretty inconvenient and illogical. Here are five places you don’t actually want to knock boots in:
1. Car: This one makes no sense at all. People have sex in cars for one of four reasons: 1. They can’t do it in their parents house; 2. They’re cheating on someone; 3. They’re with a hooker; 4. They’re homeless. None of these things are the least bit appealing, or something to which one should aspire. And it’s not like it’s even comfortable despite its trashiness: unless you’re in a Hummer (or getting one), you’ve got precious little room to maneuver, it gets unbelievably humid, and no matter what, somebody is going to pass your car and you’re going to look like a jackass. There’s really no upside (except for, you know, getting laid). Use only when completely desperate.
2. Airplane Bathroom: People talk about joining The Mile High club as some great accomplishment that they wear as a badge of honor. But really, it’s the same as the car, except that you have even less room and, if you’re a lover worth your salt (double meaning intended), people are gonna know what you’re doing in there. And while that’s pretty badass, be real, you can’t yell all the terrible things you want to yell without risk of getting air marshalled. Also, those toilets barely even flush, so basically, you’re not only having sex with your lady, you’re banging every bit of piss and shit every other passenger let out. Unless you’re on a long, international flight, see if you can’t just sneak in an over the pants hand job until you land. Sad, yet effective and cleaner.
3. Classroom: This is the absolute evidence that we are really all emotionally damaged children. A classroom is a safe, innocent second home, and all we can do is think about getting nasty in there. And who would you bang in there? The only adult you’re gonna find there is a teacher. And yeah, it’s the plot of so many porns: student’s being bad, and slutty teacher has to discipline him (preferably with a ruler or yard stick). But really, the teacher is the stand-in for the absent mother, so really, you want to bang your mother. Gross. And what’s the plan — get naked and bump uglies on little desk little Suzie sits at in day time? You’re Oedipus Perv.
4. The Kitchen: Not sure why lubing up and making time in the food quarters is particularly appealing — is there something inherently appealing about cutlery and plates? And the downside? Two words: pink eye. Get an asshole rubbing up against your counters, then cut some food on it, and bang, you’re eating sphincter and waking up with clap trapped peepers. Not to mention the fact that you’re eating the remnants of someone’s sweaty asswipe — and, as a bonus, you’ve got some raw poultry remnants on your yam sack, a real undesirable condiment.
5. Her Parents’ Bed: There’s something to be said for the rebel factor here; fundamentally violating a girl in the place where the greatest protectors of and believers in her innocence rest their heads is pretty badass. But this gets the overrated nod because it’s actually a little bit disgusting. Her dad probably sleeps in his underwear, his old ballsack and pubes rubbing up right where you might rest your face. And her mom has had twenty plus years of period flow in this place, something to really think hard about. If you can get one quick, clean bang sesh here, go for it, purely for personal empowerment purposes, but don’t make it a habit. There’s a chance the old parents might be using the same forum.
And, for the love of God and all that is Freud, don’t even think about your parents’ bed.
The Best Place To Have Sex: There is no doubt or debate as to this one: there is no better place to buck nasty than outer space. To start with, as far as we know, the next couple to do this will be the first, and that’s a major event in human history. Second, you’ll be floating, so just imagine the type of positions you’ll be able to pull off — the list is never-ending. And when you finish, that feeling of weightlessness probably enhances it twenty fold. Plus, blowing a load while suspended in mid-air? The cum shot arc is limitless, and you’ll actually be able to shoot ever-rising man blasts.
Oh, and if you do conceive of a child up there? Yeah, technically, it’s an extraterrestrial! Alien baby!
So, there it is — stick to the real imaginative places, like boiler rooms, mountain tops, and if you can sneak onto a rocket, the International Space Station.