Movies This Week: April 30th, 2010

Yeah, so I guess the new trend is to go from first to fifth? First, it was Clash of the Tittycaca then Kick-Ass followed suit. How To Drain Your Dragon has been down this route before and should really not be surprised when they end up halfway down the top 10 come Monday. If you’re a new entry in theaters this weekend, do you even want to be the top grosser? You’re just going to end up at numero cinco the next weekend. But, then again, you’ll most likely return to top dog the following frame. Excuse me while I go vomit. A stomach can only take so much bungee jumping. Fresh contenders for the B.O. crown include beavers, bad doctors, decent organs, heartless romance novelists, material girls, Bollywooders, and one burning hot Cougar… sorry, Krueger.

Furry Vengeance Movie Poster

Wasn't this a porn once? © 2010 Summit Entertainment

Furry Vengeance
This fam-com from Summit Entertainment stars Brendan “Encino Man” Fraser as a real estate developer who’s given the enviable duty of taking down an entire forest and building a sweet building complex in its place. As a result, the forest’s inhabitants, a bunch of lowlife, unshaven, unkempt, smelly, dirty, ill-mannered, uncouth ANIMALS would become homeless, which has, for one reason or another, become a bad word. Is this a joke? You get to sleep wherever you want, you don’t have to actually go to a restroom to relieve yourself, and you can get money for nothing and chicks for free. Granted, the chicks are also homeless and half the time you can’t really tell if they’re chicks or not, but beggars can’t be choosers. See what I did right there? I know. Awesome. Flick also features my childhood crush, Brooke Shields, Rob “POW” Riggle, and Ken “Where is my penis?” Jeong.

A Nightmare on Elm Street Movie Poster

Sleep IS the cousin of Death, ya know. ©2010 Warner Brothers

A Nightmare on Elm Street
Michael Bay – BOOM! – takes a CRACK at producing Warner Brothers’ “re-imagining” KAPLOW! of the classic horror tale that only has one lesson: don’t ever sleep. So, quit your bitchin’, insomniacs, you guys are the chosen ones who will need to propagate the species. What’s that? Can’t get it up because you’re so tired? Hmm, guess Krueger had all bases covered for killin’ off humans. Good work, Freddy. Replacing Robert Englund as Freddy is Jackie Earle Haley who upon further review is NOT an assassin, but an very skilled actor who can kill others while wearing a fedora. Personally, I’d love to see Rorschach go up against Freddy. It has to be better than Freddy vs. Jason. I never saw it, but seriously, what were those two squabbling over? Is there a leaderboard I’m not aware of? Winner gets a trip to the Playboy Mansion or something? Calm down, guys.

The Good Heart Movie Poster

Much better than owner of a lonely heart. © 2010 Magnolia Pictures

The Good Heart
This drama from Magnolia Pictures is actually available on demand, on Amazon, XBox Live and on select premium cable networks. But, if you’re peasant folk or you enjoy multiple previews and people who chew too loudly then put down the fried oreos and get to steppin’ to your local theater. Actually, this is a limited release, so you might have step onto a plane or hovercraft. If you’re into dive bars that don’t allow women and are owned by old bastards then this pic will make you wet yourself with glee. Brian Cox (Super Troopers, Troy, Bourne Supremacy) plays an old bastard bar owner who takes a young homeless dude (Paul Dano of The Girl Next Door) under his slowly decomposing wing to become an old bastard bar owner. But, a hot girl ruins it all. Don’t they always!

Harry Brown Movie Poster

More like Doo Doo Brown © 2010 Samuel Goldwyn

Harry Brown
While some old dudes just want to be grumpy and drink/smoke themselves to death only to bequeath their prized possession to some hobo-kid, other geriatrics chew bubble gum and kick ass, and Michael Caine is all out of Bubblelicious. In what appears to be somewhat of a knock-off or an ode to Gran Turino, Harry Brown is a crime thriller from Samuel Goldwyn that follows a straight arrow who gets bent over his friend’s murder that came at the hands of some whippersnappers. Teen violence is definitely getting ridiculous. Anyone YouTube “school fight”? Prepare to spend the next four years watching all the videos of two kids beating the piss out of each other. And now, even high school chicks know MMA. I’m home schooling. For real, yo.

The Human Centipede Movie Poster

Is that like an Elephant Walk? ©2010 IFC

Human Centipede
Gunaxin recently released its list of the Top 100 Most Disturbing Films of All-Time. I’ve seen maybe 8-10 of them. Not sure if that’s a good percentage or bad, but, regardless, this horror flick from IFC is a shoo-in. Movie utilizes a pretty standard plot line of stupid, young, but also very attractive American youngsters traveling in a foreign country only to be abducted and subjected to torture, pain, and misery via a Two and a Half Men marathon. BTW, don’t ever Google “Two and Half Men sucks” when the content filter is off. Unless you’re into that. This time around, it’s a demented surgeon administering the shock and awe to achieve his dream creation – you guessed it – a human centaur. No, a human sandal? Centipede! The official press release compares Dr. Deepak Choppa to Jason, Freddy, and Leatherface and is a “100% medically accurate nightmare.” Wow. I’ll have what he and/or she is smoking, please.

Mercy Movie Poster

Throwin' in the towel already, huh! © 2010 IFC

Tweeter from Varsity Blues plays Johnny, a successful young romance novelist who doesn’t believe in love in this rom-dram or droma from IFC. I think I heard about this in an Alanis Morissette song once.  He meets the only critic in the whole wide world who hates his work and obviously falls in love with her, most likely to prove that his work is worthy of her love and affection so he can ultimately dump her ass and go back to laying down bullcrap lines from his novels to get head in the bathroom of the dive bar where he studies all his characters. He probably wrote the book “The Good Heart” is based on.

Please Give Movie Poster

When do I get to take? © 2010 Sony Classics

Please Give
Catherine Keener stars as a conflicted wife and mother in this dramedy from Sony Pictures Classics that explores the dichotomy of striving to be successful and treating oneself while the puppy-face of poverty watches from a distance judging and despising through a cloudy, drug and alcohol induced fog; a fog purchased thanks to the generous donations of guilt-ridden successful professionals. How can one overcome the guilt of climbing the corporate ladder or reaping the benefits of one’s hard work when some homeless kid is out there bringing hot girls into dive bars where women aren’t allowed? No offense to Cat Kee but aren’t there any other actresses out there qualified to play the lead or co-lead in indie comedies? Yes, she’s good, but I feel like it’s all become one big blur. I smell a Being John Malkovich-esque movie in her future, only she’s played by Zooey Deschanel. In your face!

Touching Home Movie Poster

If "home" is code for "my weiner" I'm game ©2010 CFI Releasing

Touching Home
Ed Harris stars in this drama based on the bestselling memoir “Either You’re In or You’re In the Way.” Written, directed, and produced by identical twins Logan and Noah Miller, the autobiographical story recounts their experiences with their alcoholic, sigh, homeless father. Is it Homeless Week or something? I went to Austin recently and within 5 minutes of arriving at a venue, I had 5 bums come up to me and ask me for change. I felt like organizing a talent show to determine who should get my non-existent change. The big story is the twins ambushed Ed Harris in a San Francisco alley to get him to sign on to this project. “Ambushed” – is that what they’re calling a double blowy from twins these days? Priceless.

Housefull Movie Poster

Is this like bizarro Full House? ©2010 Eros Entertainment

This romcom from Bollywoodland follows the world’s unluckiest man who thinks if he falls in love his luck will change. He reads “The Game,” watches “The Pick Up Artist,” and peacocks his way into more lies, deceit, and confusion. He soon learns that love is a battlefield, is tainted, and most people are all out of it. Then again, what is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more. How Eros Entertainment ever purchased rights to my life story without me knowing it is beyond me. I have to give it to those Bollywood productions, they sure know how to cast hot chicks.

Phish 3D Movie Poster

Isn't this movie a week late releasing? TYPICAL!

Phish 3D
Phish 3D is a 3D concert experience that features never before seen cover songs, and intimate footage of the band backstage and in rehearsals. It was filmed in October 2009 at the band’s Festival 8, a three-day, eight-set, 16-hour concert in the Southern California desert that saw more than 40,000 devoted fans in attendance. Interesting that they didn’t release this on 4/20. I guess they didn’t want to compete against Cheech and Chong’s “Hey, Watch This“? What a cluttered frame! Personally, I think someone totally forgot to release it on time, man. Damn hippies!

The 10 Most Controversial South Park Clips
The 10 Most Controversial South Park Clips
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