Repeat after me: These are sacred rules and I MUST follow them in order to have something close to a life in college. I worship you, oh great writer, for you have given me the key to fame, money, and girls.
Now my turn: You’re welcome. I accept cash.
Now, it’s your first day in college, or it’s your 456th day in college, and you feel like you’re living the life of that guy in teenage dirt-bag. Or even worse, you’re living the life of his imaginary side-kick! (Now if you haven’t slapped yourself yet, do it now!)
The golden rule is, as a profound person said once: It’s not what you do in college, but who you do, that matters. In this case, you won’t be ‘doing’ everyone on the list (that would call for serious life altering decisions and that’s too much pressure for a beginner like you right now…maybe next year.)
Ask yourself, before anything, ‘are you ready to be awesome?’…if your answer is yes, continue reading.
DISCLAIMER: In all honesty, I should have been the ONLY person you needed to know in college, but I’m not there, so I’m going to give you the next best thing: my suggestions. You should also know, that no matter what these suggestions are, if you are in fact a loser, none of this will help you. But you’re reading this, so this could only mean one thing: you’re not! Congratulations and welcome to the journey of self-discovery. So profound.
Person # 1: The My-dad-bought-me-everything-down-to-my-underwear guy (aka The I’m richer than Brad Pitt dude)
If you don’t know this already (I’m sure you do), money is usually the key to everything! (At least when you’re in college) From getting a fake ID, to using it in a club. From buying food, to your way into a girl’s life. From getting noticed, to getting laid.
How to (easily) recognize our candidate: Now, next time you’re in class (and bonus points from me if you’re reading this in class) look out for the guy who is wearing shades, like, all the time. And not just any shades, but proper Fossil/Ray Ban/Tommy shades. He’s also probably carrying an Iphone and a Macbook Air (That A-hole!) You know why you need to know this guy? I’ll tell you why:
- He probably knows all the ways to get into/ host/ co-host the most popular parties. And this means knowing him will automatically invite you to all of them (read hot drunk girls who think you’re popular, who will do anything to be associated with you)
- He can buy you great gifts, on your birthday, on 4th of July, for Christmas, for passing an exam, for getting a girl’s number. He’ll be your sister’s tooth fairy, I don’t know, think of the possibilities!
I don’t know much but I know this much: this guy is your key to life. Two words: Find him NOW!
Person # 2: The girl who knows everything about everything in your subjects (aka the nerd next door)
This is a bit clichéd. But it’s so true. What with you going out every night having a life, you need a friend whose life it is to get your academics in line. Be nice, get stuff done. All you have to do in return is maybe have lunch with her once a week…and she feels great already. There’s nothing a girl wants more than attention. Repeat after me: All she is looking for, ever, is attention. And sometimes affection. Maybe. (But don’t think about the second part now. Damage control is always possible.) You know why you need to know this girl? I’ll tell you why:
- She probably finishes all the pre-readings before anyone even knows of their existence
- She probably knows all the professors on a personal I-am-your-slave level and that, my friend, is never a bad thing
- She probably has a desperate need to be noticed and that is an easy target, always
I think these are reasons enough for you to get your ass off your chair and go get seated next to her to be, subtly of course, nice to her. She’s going to be your (secret) BFF. Good luck!
Person # 3: The professor who loves being popular among students (aka The lonely teacher guy)
On a side note, the professors who want you to do them favors are dangerous. Because I am not talking ‘can you get me a cup of coffee’ kind of favor…I’m talking ‘take your pants off if you want an A’ type. And unless you enjoy that kind of stuff (Or, of course, you are highly experimental, you wild thing you) I suggest you let the girl-who-will-help-you do the work there.
All you have to do is make him look like a ‘cool’ professor by laughing at all his jokes at class, or even hook him up with an older woman you know (I don’t know, ask your mom). Become his friend! You want to know why you need to know this guy? I’ll tell you why:
- This is the guy who needs the students’ approval to be happy with himself, he’s banking on you for his reputation
- He’s the guy who is easily your friend, and having a friend who can grade is like, I don’t know, having an employee discount: totally awesome
- He could probably even help you with your reputation with other professors (e.g. you suck in History 101 but Mr. Nice guy here is friends with your History professor, and voila, beautiful relationships being made
It’s pretty simple. Like you need girls to tell you you’re hot, like you need pants to enter class, like you need a space-ship to take you to Pluto, you need to be friends with the helpful teaching-person to make your life stress-free.
Person # 4: The friend who is above 21 (aka The guy-who-is-legal)
You’re under-age and that should never really stop you from going places (you know? Places!). You need someone who can pick the booze up when you have a few friends comin’ over Saturday night. He is probably a loner (this is a tip when you’re on the lookout for a friend like this). He probably sits in libraries or at the campus café reading a book or playing some weird geeky thing only he will understand. Speaking of understanding, understand that the only thing this guy has is age! Take advantage, and be nice while doing it. It should be simple enough. You want to know why you need to know this guy? I’ll tell you why:
- He has no friends, be a friend!
- He has what you don’t have: an ID (On a side note if you ARE 21, then at least you have a friend who is grateful and will STILL pick the booze up, and its paid for by our dear friend ‘I’m richer than Brad Pitt guy’
So, it really speaks for itself. Enough said. I’m not going to explain.
Person # 5: The guy who wants to worship you (aka the guy who is DYING to worship you)
You know that one guy who carries ALL his books to class, treating it like the 5th grade? The guy who (definitely) wears glasses and sits in the front of every single classroom ( to the extent of taking unthinkable steps like asking a person to move to sit there). This guy looks extremely harmless, and he really is, until you enter his life and show him the gift he has! Can you even begin to comprehend this man’s strengths? You want to know why you need to know this guy? I’ll tell you why:
- You know your nerd-next-door girl? He’s probably best friends with her (her other BFF), so easy access right there: inner circle of trust. Totally sacred
- He is also the nerd-next-door (believe me!) to every single hot girl in your class, easy access there too
- He will never NOT trust you with anything, because you became, you guessed it, his ONLY friend
- He probably has an older brother or a ‘mentor’ who is older than 21, so easy access there too, you lucky dog
- He will make you feel GOOD, no matter what
This guy is going to lead you to the path of becoming the next best thing that happened to your college. Now, let me end so I can leave.
Get to know these people, because you should, and once you know them, keep them in your life! You’re going to thank me some day and that day, I will state my price. Good luck Amigos. And remember, play safe. Maybe.