5 Steps to Pwning in Beer Pong

Beer Pong. It doesn’t matter where you play it. It’s all about putting the ball in the cup.  It’s all about that liquid splash. To impress the ladies, get drunk and be THAT guy who won 8 games in a row at that Moustachio Bashio party during spring weekend, you need to know how to succeed at this timeless drinking game. Besides, who really likes to stand around at a party and “mingle?”  What are you going to talk about?  Who are you going to talk to?  A girl?  If you’re lucky, you’ll swoop in for a few Facebook tags that were never meant for you or stumble upon some half-eaten weed brownie.  If you’re lucky. But, most of the time, parties revolve around the pong table.  That’s where you want to be for the better part of the night.  Here are 5 ways to stay at the table.

1.  Lean With It.

Everyone does it a little and most of the time, no one will call you out (especially not these beer pong playing grannies).  They could be too drunk to notice or the music might be too loud for you to hear their cries.  Or you could be playing in a sorority house pong tournament where leaning is as common as HPV. So lean into that shot.  Maybe not on a full rack.  But definitely with 4 cups.  Maybe five.  Lean like Fat Joe.  Lean like Bill Withers.  Lean like a Florida palm tree in a hurricane.  You must remain at King Barfur’s table.

2.  “Abba”-Cadabra-Distraction

Abba-“Dancing Queen.”  A song your mom listens to in the car with the windows down.  A song that reminds her of her 1970s love affairs.  A song that was covered by Jennifer Love Hewitt and used for the movie “Mamma Mia!”  An ultimate buzzkill. You need to find a way to get this party killing song blaring through the speakers.  Give a pong table hoverer a 5-spot and your iPod.  Tell him what needs to be done if he wants to get on this table within the next 10-15 minutes. He’ll quickly rush over to the sound system and plug in the party poison.  Both opponents should throw their hands up in the air in disgust.  “What the f…?!!” One, maybe both, will walk over to change the song.  This is when you take out the micro-lax.  Slip some of the liquid into every cup.  Within about 15 minutes, the laxative should set in and the only splashes these boys hear will be coming from a toilet bowl.

3.  One-Two Step GF

A man’s weakness.  There’s more than just one.  Too many to count.  But I do know one very sensitive to the soul.  Seeing his wife or lady friend enjoying the company of another hombre. Find your opponent’s girlfriend!  Or hook-up.  Or lady boy.  Talk to her.  Hit on her.  Grind with her during some inappropriate songs.  Preferably “I Knew You Were Cheating” by Keith Sweat or any R. Kelly tune. These moves should throw your opponent’s shot off and mess with his head. Plus, you can actually make contact with a girl without using a roofie.

4.  No Beer Queer

I don’t know about you, but I cannot see through walls.  I cannot see through clothes.  I cannot see through those gigantic sunglasses/face masks the girls wear on Laguna Beach.  And I definitely cannot see through that deep, beautiful red that completely engulfs a beer pong solo cup. So don’t fill up your cups.  I mean, fill up some, but skip 4 in a 10 cup rack and 2 in a 6 cup rack.  If it’s a big party or the end of the night, teams will generally not come over and check the beer levels. If they do, just say in a drunken slur, “OOHHH MANN!!  What were we thinking?  Must’ve forgot!  HAHA!  So funny!” Then try one of the previous three steps. The less beer in your cups, the harder it is for the enemy to make a shot.  Beer pong 101.  Common sense you drunken buffoon.

5.  Secret Weapon

Sorry Gordon.  Sorry Eddie.  Sorry Greg “The Don” of Pong.  In order to win, you need to drop your best friend, roommate or even your twin brother. You need to seek out the pong master. You know what he looks like.  He’s the guy who’s been quietly sipping on his Natural Light bottle in the corner of the room.  He’s been watching the table out of the corner of his eye, while nodding his plump head to the infectious party music.  He’s the guy that cares about pretending not to care. He weighs more than your average 6 year-old grizzly bear and is just as hairy. He has short, stubby arms that can propel a ball with the perfect force/trajectory and recoil quickly enough to hide a lean. He can drink more beer than the grass can absorb and has the sense of humor to pull off any of these previous beer pong tricks.  He’s been playing pong since he was 7. Go and find him.  You may never lose.

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