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What It’s Like To Have Stoned Sex


That bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos was good. Shit, really good. How do they do that, make that flavor powder? It’s like yummy dust. Scientists, man, they can do anything. Cloning and that big atom thing in Europe and dust that tastes like tangy ranch dressing.

Woah, doorbell. It’s 9:00. She’s here. I forgot she was coming! Should not have hit that last spliff. Ugh. She’s gonna know. She’s totally gonna know. She always knows. Then she’s gonna be pissed and call me inconsiderate for being high again when we were supposed to hang out, and say I’m a waste of life and then dump my ass for that assclown frat guy. I know it.

Okay, let her in and play it cool. Wait, Visine. Okay, yeah, ahh, burns. What if my eyes are on fire? No, it’s Visine. Oh, and a piece of gum. Cooler Ranch breath smells like ass. Let her in now, you’re good. Kiss, okay, let’s go to the couch.

Wow, she smells good. Sooo good. Like a burrito, but sexy. And that skirt, I can see so much of her thighs. Goddamn. I want her. And a burrito. A sex burrito, is that possible? Could you eat sex? Would it taste like melted cheese and beef? That’s probably gay. Shit!

Okay, you’re not gay. It’s okay if you are, but you’re not. Go for it! Kiss her! Why do we kiss? That’s so weird. I feel like I naturally want to kiss girls, but am I just a product of my environment, seeing kissing on TV, seeing my parents kiss? Ugh, don’t think of parents kissing, that’s gross, you’ll lose your boner. Boners are so wild.

Okay, successful kiss. Here we go. Linger on her lip real slow, like in movies. Girls like that, I think. There’s her tongue. Very nice. Touch tongues. Man, she’s kind of a deep kisser. It feels like my face is in danger. Should I touch her teeth with my tongue? That’s kind of disgusting. Fuck it. I’ll do it.

Nice, shirt’s off. Now to try and get this bra… Damnit! These clasps. So fucking confusing. I can’t get it with one hand, and, shit my other one is stuck underneath her. She’s gonna think I’m such a yutz. Where does that word come from? I could just keep it on, but she’ll think I’m a prude. I’m not a prude, I promise! I wonder if she’ll have milk. God I’m thirsty. But that makes her like, my mom, if I drink her milk. Or at least a wet nurse. Where did that come from, the idea for that job? How do you apply for that shit?

Woah, there go my pants. Now I’m exposed. She thinks it’s a good size, right? That’s what she said before. Is that just being polite? Those panties — kinda hot. Why do I find panties hot. Does she find boxers hot? Ah, entering the dark vagina tunnel, once I put on this shield. Rubber life saver! My penis hat. They should call them penis hats.

Here we go. Right in there. So animalistic. Like dinosaurs. Must have been hard for T-Rex’s to have sex. Did they mount? With those tiny little arms, how did it work? No hand jobs, that’s for sure. Pay attention. Back and forth. Make sure she’s enjoying herself. She’s making that face, I’m thinking that’s a good thing. What if she doesn’t like it? Stop, you know you’re good. But how do you know?  Maybe you’re lying to yourself.

Man, this is tiring. So out of breath. The smoking didn’t help. Exhausting. So exhausting. I need candy. At least a banana. Damnit, that’s gay again. Which is okay. But woah.  Tired. Don’t. Pass. Out. Don’t. Pass Ou….

COED Writer