The best movie break-up line of all time is said by Patrick Bateman in 2000’s American Psycho. In the middle of a crowded restaurant, Bateman finally tells his girlfriend Evelyn to take a hike. After attempting to break it to Evelyn easily (“Evelyn, you’re not terribly important to me”), Bateman assesses the situation and evades the dinner table as her tears start to crash and heads start to turn. “But where are you going?!” Evelyn asks him. Patrick turns around and calmly says, “I have to return some videotapes.” What guy hasn’t wanted to use that lame of an excuse when he breaks up with his girlfriend? Therefore, let’s spread our arms wider and embrace any type of famous movie line in order to kick-start a break-up. Here is a list of 5 awesome movie lines to use when telling your significant other to take a walk:
1. Scenario – You’re significant other is loving and caring. Anytime that you fall into a ditch sh’es there to scoop you out and dust you off. This is someone who you can count on for almost anything…almost. Unfortunately, her sex-engine is nearly impossible to hotwire, which renders her quite the inexperienced and incompetent bang-buddy.
Inglorious Basterds Showdown – After telling your girlfriend that your relationship has dropped anchor and hit a standstill, she’ll ask you if you’re really breaking up with her…just as Colonel Hans Landa would, you say, “That’s a bingo!!!” She wonders why. Why, why why?! You tell her that she’s left the bed quite cold and consequentially your sex-life is utterly dull. Unsatisfied with her status as an amateur lay, she desperately asks you, how does she go pro? You enlighten her with this advice: “you know how you get to Carnegie Hall, don’t you? Practice.”
2. Scenario – You’re a cheating son of a bitch! And you enjoyed every last moan and groan of your indiscretion. That’s right. You’re significant other has finally dug up your deceptive dirty deeds and she’s confronting you. The candle died long ago but she’s still attempting to light the wick. She just doesn’t understand that it’s over. You want her the hell out of your life, even if it means being brutally honest.
American Pie Showdown – She’s taking shots at you for your affairs. Every obscenity in existence is being shouted in your direction in a fruitless attempt to arouse some sort of shame out of you. However, you’ve simply just quit caring. How do you make it clear to her that there’s no chance of salvaging this wreck? Well, being that you’re still unshowered after the sex you had with your side dish thirty minutes ago, the solution becomes clear. Your significant other asks you, how does it feel to be a cheating bastard? Amongst her bitching, you raise two fingers, hold them up to her nose, and say “mmmhhhmmmm, like warm apple pie.”
3. Scenario – After an extensive and what initially appeared to be a healthy relationship, your stick has finally gone limp. The beautiful, charming, and sweet girl who you once knew has shape-shifted into an utterly brutish bitch. You won’t even have sex with her anymore for fear that her vagina has sprouted a she-cock bigger than your own. You’ve been digging underneath the fence for months now but the hole just isn’t deep enough to lead you to the other side, into the realm of freedom. Fortunately, you’ve decided that it’s finally time to fire the first shot of the revolution and leave her.
Airplane! Showdown – She tells you that you’re not man enough to throw in the towel. She says to you, “Surely, you can’t be serious!” You scream at her, ‘I AM SERIOUS!!!” just before turning your back to her and riding off into the sunset; however, you stop, turn around, and head back to her. Knowing that you would come back, she has that ‘I told you so’ look on her face. You lean towards her, grab your junk, and say “And don’t call me Shirley.”
4. Scenario – Your girl has cheated on you…with your best friend. For the past week, her affair has been the word around the water cooler. You’ve heard it from everyone. And she knows that you know about it. Ever since it happened, you haven’t touched or even spoken to her. Finally, after an avalanche of ignored phone calls, you press ‘answer’ and listen to her. She asks you to meet up with her to talk things over and, reluctantly, you agree to do so. You suggest a rendezvous at the restaurant where you first met each other.
There Will Be Blood Showdown – Just like on your first date, you order your girl a milkshake. Strawberry. Then, she decides to man up and give you a blueprint of how it all went down…Your best friend turned to your girl after he broke up with his girlfriend. She was initially the shoulder to cry on but, unfortunately, she also became the backdoor to unload on. It sort of ‘just happened.’ Then, before she can take a sip of it, you grab her milkshake and quickly tell her why your best friend had dumped his girlfriend…because his girlfriend had finally explained the reason for that cold sore on her face that just wouldn’t go away…She had oral herpes. As the realization sets in on your girl’s face that she is now the permanent host of a dirty disease, you lift the straw from her milkshake, take an absolutely massive slurp, and tell her, “I. Drink. Your. Milkshake! I drink it up!!!”
5. Scenario – Amidst what you thought was the perfect relationship, your girl has finally revealed to you why she isn’t ready to gobble up your joy juice…because she already has offspring with another boyfriend. Not only that, but she has been cheating on her baby daddy with you behind his back for an entire year. Now, they’re tying the knot. Your relationship with her has been one big, fatass lie. After realizing that she loves her fiance too much to cheat on him any longer, she has asked you to seek another snatch sampler.
300 Showdown – In your bitter and vengeful spirit, you’ve decided that she will absolutely not have anymore children that she can shame with her indiscretions. You confront her and tell her that her husband is sure as hell going to know about her extracurricular hanky-panky. She begs you to not tell him; however, you dismiss her, turn around, and start dialing his phone number. “Bullshit! This is bullshit!” she yells to your back. You stop, turn back around, and ask, “This is bullshit?” Then, in your most epic, badass battle-cry, you yell “THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!!!!!!” while simultaneously drop-kicking her in the vagina and throwing her into a deep, dark pit of infertility.