Dude, Where’s My Dignity? 9 Things You Did Last Night

I’m not sure exactly when it was, but at some point last night your eyes glazed over a little bit, and the alcohol took over. Maybe it was after that fifth tequila shot, or maybe it was after that third drink of god-knows-what that you stole off of the bar, but at some point you lost your inhibitions, control of your movements, and your dignity. I know I wasn’t with you, but I’ve got a pretty good idea of what happened. Let me fill you in on a few of the things you probably did last night after you blacked out.

Last night you…

1. Made friends with someone you’d never normally talk too.

Your friends can be boring, can’t they? Well at some point last night you pulled one of your famous disappearing acts and left your group without saying a word. It wasn’t until hours later that they found you taking shots in the back room of a shady bar with some sketchy characters. Your friends were obviously nervous when they walked in, but you were giving nuggies to the guy with the ZZ Top beard and pirate eye patch and you…

2. Curse out your actual best friend and swear that you’ll never talk to them again.

Common sense gets in the way. It ruins a good time and it is truly the only way to kill a good buzz. When your friend suggested that you should go home, you were not only appalled by his uncanny ability to give good ideas, but you also took it as an insult to your dignity. “Screw you, (hiccup) I’m not even that (burp), your not my…” You didn’t throw a punch, but the sour taste of the interaction stayed in your mouth until…

3. You pick a fight.

Now, most drunks will try to pick a fight with someone that they have a chance of beating. But alcoholics, alcoholics take the first person that accidentally nudges their chair, or unwillingly has a drink spilled on them, or smells funny. You start insulting him to the person next to you, but your volume control is a little off, and you end up screaming insults across the bar. When he comes to confront you, you realize that you’ve got no chance. And after you poke him a few times in the chest, you get nervous and …

4. You throw up.

Then you blamed the person who you vomited on for sitting there. “Oh quiet, like you’ve never -here it comes again.” The girl you threw up on shrieks in terror. But the good news is that the guy who was just about to kick your ass, backs away in disgust. Congratulations, you won a fight last night. The bouncers come over and decide that  it’s better for you to be vomiting outside. So they usher you out of the bar while listening to your honest defense, “It wasn’t me, I ate eggs this morning. It was the eggs. blame the eggs.” You spend the next twenty minutes scanning the building for another entrance only to find out that the bar is guarded like Fort Knox. So you…

5. Think of a way to get revenge.

Now, this usually comes secondary to the need to pee. But at this point of the night, almost all of your actions are going to be dictated by the amount that you have to pee. After peeing on the large bay windows of the bar, you start walking. You aren’t sure where you are, but your friends have abandoned you and you walk in whatever direction you tend to be leaning. Then you decide to make some phone calls. After giving your friends directions like, “I’m by that tree, the one that looks like a chicken bone,” or “What street am I on? Hold on, let me read the sign. One way, I’m on the corner of one way, and stop,” you begin searching your contacts for the nicest pair of tits you can find, and you…

6. Start making your nightly round of drunken phone calls.

If you’re an established and well practiced alcoholic you’ve got your phone properly labeled. You send a quick text out to “boobs Mcgee” and “3 am whore.” You even try calling the contact that you have labeled, “do not text this person for any reason.” You give everyone the same bad directions, and wait for someone to pick you up. No one comes and after a quick cat nap on the curb…

7. You hear sirens and start to run.

There isn’t any reason to run. You haven’t done anything illegal. But you convince yourself that they are after you and you take off on a diagonal sprint across the street. When the ambulance passes and the sirens fade away, you stop running and reassess your situation. There’s a bar across the street and it’s been a good hour since your last drink, so you head in to refuel. For some reason, the bouncer is being a complete douche and won’t let you in. You argue and pretty soon there are a bunch of bouncers there who all want to kick your ass for puking  in their bar and pissing on their window. Luckily, you get rescued by ‘3am whore’ who throws you in the backseat of the car and takes you back to campus.

 

 

8. You sleep with a stranger

Now ‘3 am whore’ might not be a stranger, but you don’t know her name either. You figure that this has happened before and let her do what she wants to your near comatose body. After sex, or during, you pass out. When you wake up, you are lying in a puddle of your own piss. The girl is on the other side of the bed, and hasn’t noticed. So you sneak off the bed, slowly roll her over into the pile of piss, and leave the room. You’re proud of your cleverness and think that there is absolutely no way that she’ll blame you. But now…

9. You’re naked.

Well, you’re wearing socks, and the door behind you has closed and locked. You could knock, and get let back in, but then you would ruin your perfectly clever plan. So you make your way down the hall to the bathroom. You take a seat on the can and think of your next move. You’ve been defeated. There is nothing to do now but sleep. You’re disgusted by the idea of sleeping on the bathroom floor, so you steal all the toilet paper from the other stalls and make a bed at the foot of the porcelain throne.

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