8 Life Lessons From the Cast of Jersey Shore

Even though the first season of “Jersey Shore” has been laid to rest, the cast still sits with us.  Like a whiskey hangover, we just can’t seem to shake them off.  The poof, creepin’, fist pumping, juicin’, skin cancer — it’s all here to stay.

Initially, one wouldn’t think that much could be learned from the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”  The cast itself doesn’t appear too buddy-buddy with the concept of  “learning.”  However, I’ll admit that they do light a torch upon the possible paths that our own lives may lead us through.  I also have to respect the cast for poking fun at themselves despite their egos.  Additionally, despite the mountain of egotistical exploits that the “Jersey Shore” cast indulges in, they do say ‘yes’ to several life risks that most of us would slam the door on.  Their smartest and dumbest choices offer each of us a bit of wisdom.

Accordingly, here is a list of life lessons courtesy of each “Jersey Shore” cast member:

1. Angelina Never cock block the guys that you live with.  In the “Jersey Shore” boys’ book, strike one for Angelina came when she announced her loyalty to a boyfriend upon first moving into the cast house.  She made it clear that nobody was going to crumble that wall.  Subsequently, the last nail in Angelina’s coffin of 15-minute fame came when she cock-blocked her male roommates from a trio of hot-tub chicks early on in the season.  Not only were Angelina’s pants zipped up too tight, but she also wasn’t about to allow the guys to slip the pants off any other female either…consequentially, she ended up voting herself off the island real fast.

2.  Mike “The Situation” – Embrace your own absurdity and make no apologies for who you are. Yes, this guy may be a dirty bastard.  He’ll hook up with just about anything pumping blood through its veins.  Nonetheless, Mike makes no apologies for his affirmative action.  He in fact admits that he doesn’t always bring the best looking girls back to the house.  You can’t fault a guy for honesty.  Mike is who he is.  Additionally, despite how ridiculous of a name “The Situation” is, Mike is most likely the first dude on the planet to make his abs into a name brand.

3. Jenni “J-WOWW” – Don’t cheat on your guy with a DJ sporting a penis ring. As a guy who has dated some real bitches, I know that if your girl cheats on you, your single most pressing question is, “what does the other guy have that I don’t?”  A cock ring, of course.  Well, at least with J-WOWW’s boyfriend that’s the sad truth.  Now, not only does J-WOWW’s dude have to learn how to spin, he has to have both his balls pierced as well in order to top Pauly D.  He’ll have to avoid getting studs though unless he wants his junk to look like a pair of wrinkled boobs.

4.  Ronnie – If you’re going to sucker punch a guy, don’t do it on camera. No, at the end of the “One Shot” episode we didn’t actually see Ronnie knock that dude out.  However, we did catch a glimpse of the aftermath.  Ronnie skips down the sidewalk yelling “one shot!” and, accordingly, the camera cuts to a shot of the guy Ronnie hit.  The victim is out cold and laying face first on the ground.  The victim later claimed that Ronnie came out of nowhere and sucker punched him…which is most likely true.  The fact that the victim was laying face first on the ground indicates that he took a shot to the back of the head, AKA, a sucker punch.  Therefore, Ronnie’s use of the words “one shot” shouldn’t translate in the way that he intended them to.  Ironically, it only took ‘one shot’ to knock out Ronnie’s credibility as a badass.

5. Sammi “Sweetheart” If you’ve got something to say, then spit it the hell out. Next to Vinnie, Sammi is the cast member that I have the most respect for.  We need more people like this chick in America.  Sammi speaks her mind.  Sure, she does have to learn the difference between being direct and being a bitch.  But regardless, she has her head in the right place.  This country has far too many introverts who leave their feelings chained up in a basement.  We’ll unload on somebody behind their back, but we’ll offer them a Coke and a smile to their face.  Sammi always lays her cards on the table and consequentially leaves no rock unturned.

6. Pauly D – Ditch the chick who makes you a t-shirt after only one date. I didn’t want that to come out wrong.  I’m all about doing something special for a significant other, even if it’s after only one date.  However, that Israeli chick that Pauly was circling made him a shirt that says “I Heart Jewish Girls” after having just met the guy.  Red flag.  With that kind of girl,  Pauly could merely run to the end of his chain and bark every time he saw  another even remotely attractive woman.  Otherwise, Pauly might as well have made a flak jacket for his nuts or else psycho chick would have taken aim at them and pulled the trigger.

7. Nicole AKA “Snooki” – Let security take care of the drunken assholesIf I’m out at a bar and somebody takes a shot at me, the way I approach the situation is by asking myself one question:  do I want to indulge the asshole or do I want to have a good time?  By putting it that way, the decision becomes simple.  I just shrug the dude off and take a walk.  Unfortunately, Snickers just had to throw gas on the fire and refer to the polo-pounder using the words “ugly ass.”  That was a mistake.  Yes, most people don’t expect a guy to throw a punch at a girl.  That’s one of the lowest things a man can do.  Nonetheless, the Snooki lesson stands for both genders: succumb to your ego and consequentially you might end up like Snooki, taking a mean jab to the jaw over a few shots of cheap liquor.

8. Vinnie Charisma voids the gym.  Pauly D, Ronnie, and The Situation all hit the weights.  Their mountain of tapped ass proves that taking care of your body helps to reel in the females.  On the other end of the spectrum, Vinnie offers a change of pace.  The guy makes it clear in the first episode that he is a classic Italian (not a Guido).  Vinnie is a mama’s boy, he doesn’t lose sleep over his external image, and his charisma defines him.  Watch the Jersey Shore crew hit the club and Vinnie is sure as hell in the spotlight on the dance floor.  Ultimately, Vinnie’s culture, his natural good looks, and his down to earth personality have molded him into a very well-rounded beau.  Check your bulging veins and shredded physique at the door.

Whether you hate them or love them, can you truthfully deny that this motley crew has taught you something?

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