The Top Five Beard Stereotypes

These days, societies view of bearded gentry has changed somewhat from that of  previous decades. In the 40’s a trim and well kept mustache would announce grandeur and a wealth of sophistication. The 70’s and it took on the property of a porn star. Today, largely thanks to the exploits of Freddie Mercury and incidentally The YMCA, it stands for being a “bender” or “faggot”. Harsh indeed, and yet there is something to suggest that if a man loves the feel of his own pubes surrounding his face, he might not object to burying himself in another.

However this is all irrelevant, mustaches, Bum-fluff, Whiskers, Stubble they are all pretenders to facial hairs granddaddy of them all: The Beard!

Here are five identities in order of popular abuse related to the fuzzy mane of manhood, and therefore five reasons to shave regularly…

1) The Trainspotter – An unfortunate hobby that became the target of further ridicule when the majority of its hobbyists, or FRN’s (Freaking rail nuts) revealed themselves to be furry faced beaver-like fanatics. This has now provided a hurtful tag for the everyday men with manes,who are simply waiting for their routine train to arrive. And unfortunately an explanation of “This is my train to work!” is only ever met by chants of, “You’re checking the unique 1Zxx prefix code, and you know you are!”  A sadder fact is that most of these victimized souls, go on to quit their job, buy an A-Z of train manufacturer and stand on barren countryside waiting for the puff of smoke to appear over hillside…

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2) The Shrink – A shrink or therapist’s profession is to listen, seem poignant, take in someones worries and possibly produce a path of clarity for his client. For the troubled dude, lying on the couch it can become a task of identifying what his counselor had for breakfast, as most of it is still beaded in his facial growth! Why? Why oh why do they grow those Darwin-esque face nets?! Whats worse is they often rub their matted chin and capture whatever crusty samples had become embroiled, so the handshake at the end of the session becomes a bit awkward. For the everyday beard enthusiast, the mantel of shrink can be harsh, when you all sought to offer was good advice, and you get accused of lice.

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3) The Nudist – You know the mental image, the scarring sort. Little bearded fella, backpack on, clothes off. Little flaccid tinkle. It’s worth noting that their wife is a little chubby and carries evidence of stretch marks. It isn’t pretty and it isn’t popular. The beard on a nudist could be put to good use if it appeared further down the body, like a thatched roof or mossy shield, but its clear that if the bloke is going to be traipsing around with the boys out of the barracks, he’ll have cleared them of all disguise prior. So why the Gandalf? Maybe it’s a sign of pride. I reckon its a disguise when being identified for flashing.

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4) The Terrorist – Probably the most bad ass you’re going to look with a chin wig. What I’ve never understood about the Taliban and other desert established forces, is the big fad of sporting a wild man face bush. Surely the heat and irritable living conditions of a cave would drive you crazy, it would have me up all night praying for the next suicide bomb kit to come with a Wilkinson sword, I imagine Bin Laden’s  face must feel like a furnace fire, fueled with itching powder. Of course if you’re ever seen on a plane with a haggard Hagrid look. You must expect the worst, regarding the views of your fellow passengers. I mean at least conceal the C4 in your pants for Christ sake! Unless you’re a nudist Terrorist, in which case you clearly stand out as someone with a death wish.

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And the all time most popular slur for a bearded gentleman…
5) The Jesus – He is the single most influential figure in many lives, heck, no wonder it’s a popular look, of course not many go to the lengths of wearing his actual rags, (unless that’s an attire chosen out of circumstance, E.G tramp.)
But in modern observation it is a poke of fun to taunt your friend  going through his John Lennon phase, by wielding a seven-foot crucifix…no? just me then. As documented by epic comedy “Knocked Up” a beard is a source of endless fun whether the subject of abuse or the persecutors. Mainly if you’re the persecutors.
So that’s it, the list complete I’m now off to shave my own face fro! Here’s a photo of my Neanderthal impression, save it, post it to your buds and have a laugh at my expense.