Honestly, I never paid too much attention to John Mayer. Sure, his earlier music hits were like lollipops from a candy store: cheap, simple and sweet and the words to those songs just came out of my mouth like I was born knowing them. In no way did I ever think about what he was up to, ever. Then his relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston became tabloid fodder and he started talking, a lot. Now I can’t escape John Mayer, even if I flew to the moon.
John has a medical condition widely known as “Diarrhea of the mouth.”
I thought it was bad when, in the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine, home boy talked about a current “relationship” with some random woman and his ex, Jennifer Aniston:
“I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the ’s’ in Dimples was a dollar sign… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. I still feel like I’m with them, in the sense that if I f—ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it’s all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?”
He doesn’t stop at his feelings for Jennifer. He also opens up about Tiger Woods and says “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.” Ugh. That was just too much information, man.
The honesty that was oozing out of John in the Rolling Stone interview just wasn’t enough for him, however.
In the March 2010 issue of Playboy Magazine, John’s confessional rants explode yet again.
John’s take on porn: “When I watch porn, if it’s not hot enough, I’ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.” Get in line, buddy.
John and black women: “I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” I have no words.
John and Jessica Simpson: “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.” Are there Hallmark cards for this sentiment?
I thought I’d try to get to know the man better. I mean, who am I to judge this guy? How do you do this? Follow their Twitter page.
Here are tweets from John Mayer from the past three months (in no particular order) that let me into his world:
“My six word story ‘my heart didn’t come with instructions.’” Please, John, do NOT write a song with these lyrics in them. I did that in the sixth grade and I will sue you.
“Most compelling part of Avatar? The man next to me at the urinal who pulled his pants and boxers down to his knees. Alien indeed.” Roger Ebert, your job is safe.
“Huffington Post: America’s trusted source for political news and side boob. The Costco of editorial tone.” Arianna, you have my permission to slap this guy.
“The following tweet takes place between 6:58 AM and 6:58 AM.” Okay, I actually giggled at this one.
“My mouth is the Don King of my penis.” Stop with these references to your penis already. I get it. You like your penis. Let’s move on, shall we?
“Dumb: ‘Epic fail,’ a phrase used to make fun of someone’s failed attempts, written by people living in their parents’ basements.” I immediately flashed to an image of Kevin Smith from “Live Free or Die Hard” in the basement of his mom’s house.
“Sade to release new album in 2010, sending shares of KY warming lube skyrocketing.” I wonder if John has stock options in this company?
“I’ve got to finish boning my mistress early so that I can go home and explain to my kid that he’s lost a role model. What a shame.” I love his use of “boning” in this sentence. Perhaps he should teach an AP English class for high school kids. Role models – we need more.
“I need to stop taking pills with names that are palindromes: Xanax, H-Coninoch, Lipilipil, Seresiseres XR, Odin’s Fury” Maybe you should just stop taking pills altogether.
“I don’t like this savory smell of cooking wafting from the apartment next door. It’s cocky. ‘Look at me, I buy groceries and have a family.’” Bitter much?
“I need to learn how to start saying no. Like when someone says ‘please stop choking me.’” I have this horrible S & M image of John and some random girl. I am eternally creeped out.
Conclusion: if you’re a blowhard, douchebag and all-around jerk, you’re going to like John Mayer.