In our very metro-sexual society, many men have taken to using chick shampoos and facial creams on a regular basis. While you don’t have to turn in your man card for using Herbal Essences just yet, here are five products that no man can use and still look at his buddies with a straight face.
Don’t pretend that the store was all out of man razors, or that it’s all that you had in the house, using a Venus or one of those pink Bics is grounds for suspension of your man card.
You don’t wear your girlfriend’s thong when you are all out of clean underwear, don’t use her razors. Besides, they shave awful. Stick with the Gillette Fusion Power, keep plenty of disposable heads around, and let her use yours instead. [Editors Note: Right, although the Andes Survivors don’t eat human flesh on Sundays regularly, but in an emergency you do what you have to do. It’s a stretch to compare this to wearing a thong because you have the commando option. Sometimes not shaving is not an option – no matter how poor a shave we’re going to get.]
Eye Liner & Mascara
If you even know what mascara is it’s a little gay, so wearing it is way over the line – Even Clear! Let me get this straight, you spend hours looking in the mirror at your eyelashes, decide their too short, and proceed to apply mascara, . . .and you think you’re not a mezza-fannok? Simple question, Do you think Chuck Norris wears mascara. [Editors Note: No, but if he did who could stop him.]
Forget EMO kids, there are men who routinely put on clear nail polish and that is most definitely not cool. Just because it is clear does not mean that you are any more manly than a guy with purple nail polish. Man card revocation, Tear it up please. Getting a manicure is bad enough. Between the dirt under my nails and having broken every finger at least once my hands started to look like a zombie movie. My girl couldn’t take it any longer and finally got me to the nail whore by lying to my face, She said she was taking me for a “Hand Job.” [Editors note: He means Manicurist, and he means “Whore” complimentary.]
Unless it’s Halloween, you are going on the Tonight Show to promote your new album, or Lettermen to hype a summer blockbuster movie, there is absolutely no reason for you to wear make up. Black eye? No reason to hide it. The only thing you should put on that shiner is a steak. Hickey? Wear it proudly. Adult acne? Man up and deal with it. Do not under any circumstances that do not involve Halloween, or starring in TV, Movies or theater wear make up. [Editors Note: Amen.]
It isn’t that men couldn’t shed a few pounds, it’s the way that they go about it. Diet pills are for made almost exclusively for women because they have very little will power and like sugary snacks [Editors Note: Igor is insane today, so try to ignore at least every other word he writes. I’d like to see him in a battle of willpower with “Very Little Will Power Girls” Gina Carano, or Serena Williams.]
Men, on the other hand, have the option of going to the park and playing some football or basketball with their buddies , or even going to the gym where they will be surrounded by men who only take horse hormone pills, never diet pills.[[Editors Note: Girls can’t play sports or go to the gym? Since when did we start sending your checks to Afghanistan?]
Want to hear more of the wrath of Igor? [Who doesn’t! He’s insane you know. We only keep him working here because none of us have the sack to fire him.] Send an email to Editor@teamcod.com. Put “MORE IGOR” in the subject line, and we’ll enter you in a contest to win some very manly, non-Venusian items.