Valentine’s Day Gifting based upon “Time Served”

Coed’s “Time Lapse” Valentine’s Guide

Situation.  You’re dating this girl for “X” number of hours/weeks/months/years.   What’s the appropriate Valentine’s gift that says enough without saying too much . . .or worse too little?  It’s a hell of a conundrum!  Come too strong and she’ll subscribe to Brides magazine.  Too weak and you could blow the whole day and spend the evening eating crow instead of re-enacting “9 ½ weeks”.  But Fear not!  Your wingmen at Coed magazine have got you covered

We scoured the web and identified the safest way to gift even the grabbiest, and gabbiest of girls, and we even included a “Baller Alternative” here and there, should you feel your pimp hand is strong, and you decide to “Go for the Gusto”.

Any Amount of Time a Guy Would Refer to in Hours – 24, 48, 72, 96 . . .but don’t push it.

Mortal Men – Play it Safe with a single red rose.  It says, “You’ll get the balance of this baker’s dozen on this date next year, should you be goodly enough to allow me to sleep with you sometime between now and then –preferably more than once, and hopefully in many odd positions.”   She’ll understand, and if it turns out she’s into neither the aforementioned bizarre positions or your hairline, you got out for under $10 with a good portion of your dignity intact.

Gusto – Add a bottle of Inttimo By Wet.  It’s an  “Aromatherapy Massage & Bath Oil Kit that includes four vitamin enriched natural oils” . . .just in case you can’t read Venusian, that’s Girl Talk for “Sex Lube” so that they can chalk the whole thing up to an accident.  It’s the full stealth bomber move.  You come in under the radar with the offer of a “Massage” . . .half hour later you have a sticky, well oiled,  stunned girl lying both in your bed, and to your face about how she’s never done anything like this before.

Final word of advice, if you actually like her, do yourself a favor, believe her. This is exactly how the expression “Ignorance is Bliss” came to be.  (You’ll also find other interesting and flavorful ways to make your date oxymoronically slippery and sticky at www.stayswetlonger.com).

Weeks Stage . . .maybe you can stretch it to 10

Mortal Men – In the Dignity Bowl it’s defense that wins championships.  However, at this point you’re likely at least somewhat invested, and we’re assuming (hoping might be a better word) that she is too.  You care, but we’re not talking “Hallmark” care.  This is “Cautiously Optimistic Long Distance Caring” as in “I care enough to call FTD (1-800-736-3383  or online at www.FTD.com ) and have them do the heavy lifting.  You can have an entire garden delivered if you’re a “Soon to be single and receive a straining order psycho”, but “normal” fellas can get out the door for under $50 bucks, and they’ll even include a “card” that thankfully is sized more like a business card than an American Greetings.

A little known fact, the card size that arrives with flowers was invented to keep men from sounding ridiculous – if you’re not a sitting poet laureate keep it short and semi-sweet – “Thinking of You”, “Have a Wonderful Day”, “Love and Kisses” “I’ll be there at 7:00.  Be naked” (<My favorite – and if she gets insulted you can just chalk it up to a gag) etc.  Just Remember, this card is not the format for expressing eternal devotion. Less is more, and remember – beware the “I Love You” “Matzo Ball”, Costanza.  Unless you’re absolutely sure of the return “I Love You” tread carefully.

Gusto – Have the flowers sent to her work without a senders name.  Have the card envelope read, “Open In Private”.  On the front write, “My House.  8:00PM. Bring a bottle of Canola Oil” . . .She’ll be intrigued and titillated and you’re in for a great night . . . (or someday you’ll hear a conversation that goes something like, “So I was sitting watching the game, minding my own business and this girl that works in my building that I see on the elevator once in a while, and hardly ever said a word to me, rings my doorbell with a bottle of canola oil!!”)

More than Three Months, But Not Nearly a Year

Mortal Men – Like Stephen Seagal you’re on Dangerous Ground.  We’re coming into some level of expectation here, and if you don’t pace yourself son, you’re going to be sorry.  If you’re thinking about buying “Diamond Anything” I should smack you.  Even Rubies, Emeralds and the rest of those vile “Will be Costing You a Small Fortune Soon Enough” birthstone types are an awful precedent at this stage.  Thankfully we have the answer for you.  In an ironic twist of fate, it turns out the women have been given up by one of their own!  Paula Huckabay is an artist, jewelry designer and owner of  www.pacificjewelrydesigns.com.  She has created a Swarovski crystal heart necklace that is quite cool.  Wow, the way this thing shines!   I might buy an extra to take bass fishing.

$40 bucks??? I'll take four!

At a glance I was concerned this was going to set me back some serious scratch, but they’re under $40!  That’s an awful lot of sparkle for 40 bucks!  She must have kidnapped some Indonesian kids from Kathy Lee’s Favorite Nike factory.  This thing passes as a $100-$150 item any day of the week.  How does she do it?  I don’t get it . . .but my girlfriend will – in red.

Another terrific option that says just the right amount is just about anything from Dylan’s Candy Bar. They baskets aren’t your typical stuffy old crap.  They’re hip, cool and even sexy when you throw in the candy inspired body gels, soaps and other bath crap that chicks love.  They’re awesome!  Check out the baskets here.

Gusto – You can go a bunch of ways here, depending upon your special talents.  My friend Billy can draw his ass off so he suggested getting her naked with his now classic and well seasoned “Titanic Technique” (oh stop!  You know you saw it, and half of you homos even cried just as hard as me at the end when that bitch let go).  However, I myself have no talents.  In fact, I really can’t do much of anything unique or impressive, so I’m just going to suggest she model that sparkler with her highest set of heels . . .and leave off everything else, so I’m not distracted.  Thank you Paula.

+/- An “Actual” Anniversary

Oh how effin’ ashamed I am when I hear a man – and I use the word “man” loosely in this instance – say, “It’s our six week anniversary”.  If my grandfather were alive he’d growl “Disgracia” under his breath and whack him in the head with the sausage fingered, catcher’s mitt he called a hand.

I don’t care if your girl can suck a grapefruit through a garden hose, anniversaries come only in Years. Now admittedly, any girl that’s sport enough to do terrible unspeakable acts with the likes of guys like you or me, for a full year (or close), deserves a gift of means.  The truth to be told, there’s no way to repay a woman for the defilement heaped upon her by our gender, but let’s give it our best shot.

What I Love about www.myjewelrybox.com is that you can shop/sort gifts by “Price”.  There are three buttons, (big as the numbers on one of those phones for old people), right on the homepage – Under $50, Under $100 and Under $200.

A promise that only costs $250 bucks to break is a huge bargain!

Now promise rings are about as masculine as the Jonas Brothers drinking Cosmos at a Boy George concert, but in concept they’re a winner. Girls love them because it makes them feel less guilty about those aforementioned unspeakable acts.  There’s something about “A Promise”, even one as empty as a $128.88 ring, that makes her girlfriends nod in full agreement at rationalizations like, “but only with him” and “Sure it stings when it gets in your eyes, but we’re going to be together forever, so I’m OK with it.”

They offer free shipping on any order over 50 bucks, every gift is wrapped and ready, and best of all, I don’t have to be “Buzzed” into the store as if it’s my latest weekend stay at county.  (I mean “Point Zero One?!?”  That’s like half a drink.  A poodle isn’t drunk at point zero one.  Who the hell makes these laws, Lilliputians?)

The Long Haul – A Year or more Without “Strange”

I shall explain this once and we shall never speak of it again.  Women think exactly as men do when it comes to “Strange”.  Let’s try not to think about it too much because the fantasy that my girlfriend is still utterly fascinated with my – and only my – penis is a fine one for me.  However, in truth, I know that when she’s dimmed the lights low, squints and starts yelling various crap in Japanese, she’s imagining that I’m that shredded “Bruce Lee on steroids with the Roadhouse haircut” instructor from her kickboxing class.   For couples that are together long term, Valentine’s day is the day to “Spice it Up”.  Think of it like Sadie Hawkins Day for Vibrators – anything goes.

I had no idea how much chicks love techno over 165 bpm.

Everyone loves music. Everyone loves sex. The OhMiBod (www.ohmibod.com ) is a wireless vibrator that actually plugs into your iPod and is controlled by the beat and volume of the music – Awesome, just utterly totally awesome.  It’s like the old Reece’s Commercial, only now instead of your chocolate, your vibrator is in my peanut butter.  In the immortal words of The Black Eyed Peas lead singer Will I. Am, “I Got a Feeling That Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night”.

The Gusto – I’m going to “Pump Up the Jam”, with the new K-Y® INTENSE™ – AROUSAL GEL FOR HER (www.k-y.com ).  The claim is that this stuff makes a woman have a mind blowing orgasm – brilliant!  And to think that the guy that invented this almost became a cancer doctor!  Whew, close call! Then where would we be? I admit that at first I found K-Y’s claims hard to believe, like when my Mom used to tell me I was handsome, so I checked it out.  Turns out I’m ugly, but the good news is that chemically the stuff checks out!  It contains two primary ingredients that contribute to the effect – Propylene Glycol and Niacin.  I won’t get into the science here, but suffice to say that one causes a warm sensation and the other increases blood flow to the area by as much as 10X.  I’m doing it . . .and if this doesn’t work I guess I’ll just get some Samurai armor or a ninja suit.

Now you still need to “cocktail” the sex romp with some trinkets and attention.  Flowers, candy, dinner (but keep it light – Beef & Bean Burritos and Vibrators do not mix!) a piece of jewelry – anything that “makes her feel like a woman”during the day will help bring out the beast in the evening.  So review the earlier reccos, pick 1-2 and add it to the mix of gels, lubes, midgets and power tools.

And just in case you’re still totally clueless, you have one final shot!  Email me at editor@teamcoed.com.  Put Help! I Have No Game! in the subject with your full contact info inside (Name, address, phone, age ) and maybe we’ll shower the girl of your dreams with a huge basket full of Valentine’s loot.  Who knows, maybe she’s feeling charitable and we can score you a mercy lay.

. . .and then they heard me scream, as I turned out the lights, “Happy Valentine’s Day to all, and may you not get or give crabs tonight!”

Need More Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas?  Click here.

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