5 Comic Books that should Never Be Made Into Movies

The 8th Sign of the Apocalypse

You have to be careful writing comic articles around Coed, because although you’d never be able to tell by the looks of his wife, our Executive Editor is a lifelong comic nerd . . .but like Apollo Creed says, “Some folks just gots to learn – the hard way.” So Below, Leon Harmon laces up the skates with our resident comic expert . . .and sort of winds up Nancy Kerrigan-ed.  Take it away Leon – –

Everyone goes Ga-Ga when they make the big screen version of  such comic books as Iron Man or Watchman. But it seems pretty soon they are going to run out of A-list comic book characters to do movie adaptations.

Here’s my pick of comic books that should never be made into Hollywood movies:

1) Aqualad

On Entourage Vinny Chase did a movie version of Aquaman directed by James Cameron. Obviously that was a piss-take on comic hero Hollywood blockbusters. Even more ridiculous would be a summer blockbuster based on Aqualad. There was something “funny” going on with Aquaman having a teen sidekick, and when I was a kid, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

But the Comic Expert Says . . . You’re crazy.  This is not a “Number 1 Worst” by far.  If Smallville has taught us anything it’s that done correctly almost (Arm Fall Off Boy – No) any hot teen as a superhero concept could work.  You’re going to try to convince us that if you put the hottest set of  19 year old abs in a Speedo, on the beach, and give him a Monarchy title  like “Prince” (albeit of the ill fated Atlantis) that chicks aren’t going to go completely Bananas?? Bro, do you know anything about women? being a Prince with Abs is like a deed to the Universe – you just own everything.  Didn’t you catch the whole insane “Team Edward vs. Team the other guy” (sorry, but I’m a dude and I forgot his name) Phenom last summer?  Aqualad?  You’re insane.  Film this for under 30 million, in a Baywatch for girls style and you’ll have an ass-load of wet teens & early twenty-somethings, some Moist MILFs and good ol’ pile-o-cash.

Now if moist chicks and tons of money aren’t what you were going for . . .then I guess you’re right.

Potential Star??? – Email us at Editor@teamcoed.com with the subject line Aqualad.  We’ll print the best and send you some odd tchotchke.

Ouch . . .round two . . .Leon go!

2) Hawkman

Think of Batman, but with hawks. His romantic interest is Hawkgirl, who also dresses like a hawk. Hawkman carries an ancient mace as a weapon. Sounds like a furry party gone bad. Hey bad guys, look out for Hawkman!

Potential Hawkman Star: Josh Hartnett

But the Comic Expert Says . . . This reminds me of that old joke, “What do you say to a guy with two black eyes?  Nothing you already said it twice and they don’t get it”

Again, you’re thinking like a Dude.  First off Hawkman has the Prince angle – this time an Egyptian prince, but chicks don’t care that it was 5,000 years ago.  They just want Princes that are taller than 5 foot – and even the purple midget manged some insanely high tail – so imagine if you had wings like an angel and a pretty cool mace that you went around knocking people out with – chicks would love you.

I’m going to grant you that execution is key on both of these, but at the end of the day that sort of goes without saying.  Daredevil took some of the greatest Frank Miller stories of all time and reduced them to a wreck.  Darkman took a concept that never existed in comics and made it an awesome comic flick.  Execution is a given.  The issue is conceptually is it a disaster and again – the answer is a no.  Imagine “Hawk World” Thanagar filmed like Avatar!  Home run.  Add 3-D.  Game over.

. . .and the round as well.  Leon Go! . . .somebody pick up Leon and get him going please.  Go -!

3) Green Lantern

What make this guy a superhero is a power-ring he wears that creates a BIG lantern. So his superpower comes from a fashion accessory. One problem, his nemesis is the color yellow. Yellow kills this guy. Unfortunately we live on a planet with a yellow sun. Surely that’s not a logistical oversight.

Potential Green Lantern Star: Mickey Rourke

Dude, I’m not going to dignify this with a response.  Let’s move on.

He’s Merciful?!?! Then like Count Adumar says, “He shows his weakness.”  Leon go!

4) Captain Boomerang:

Look out bad guys! This superhero can use a boomerang really well. I mean reeeeeeally well! Yes, a superhero whose main weapon is a curved stick! But I’m sure Hollywood could make him seem really complex

Potential Captain Boomerang Star: Paul Rudd

I was granting you this one . . .and then you had to choose Paul Rudd as the lead, which makes me believe that you think this wouldn’t work as a Comedy?

Superbad meets Crocodile Dundee is a home run if you get it done for under 20 million!  There were like a dozen of those ridiculous Crocodile Dundee flicks, and that was without Paul Rudd who we think is hysterical!  Add Jeff Apatow directing and have the Suicide Squad show up featuring Steve Carell, Seth Rogan in cameos and this is a 50 million box office domestic another 50-80 international and 100 in DVD and Blu Ray.

Throw the towel!  Throw the god damn towel!! Leon Stay down!!  Stay Down!!

5) Wonder Man

Ok, Wonder Man is just like Wonder Woman, but he’s a dude. A Marvel rip off of DC comics.

Potential Captain Boomerang Star: Joaquin Phoenix

OK, now Wonder Man does suck.  However . . .I’m going to approach this less on the choice and more on the logic utilized in the choice.

Putting Spider-Man aside, start naming the Marvel Comic heroes from the 60’s that aren’t DC ripoffs.  The Fantastic Four was created to rival Justice League.  Iron Man is Batman with the suit being the “Utility Belt”.  Daredevil is Batman with a twist.  X-Men is Teen Titans. . . and on and on.  Now I’m not saying the whole marvel Universe is complete Plagiarism, but certainly a good portion is a lift – and who really cares anyway? (Besides DC, but “F” Time Warner.)  Marvel did things better (Crossing over heroes, Real cities, real problem in the lives of the heroes etc) and for comic fans that was fine wnough.

So to argue that a movie can’t be good because the source material was a lift is a leap that I don’t will wind up all but a Johnny Cochran class debater in a Snake Mountain Style Fail.

So agreed, Wonder Man sucks, but not because he’s a lift . . .He sucks because he’s a Tool.

. . .and there you have it folks!  Tune in next week when we let a Gnat, take on King Kong!  See you then.

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