Reality TV Rundown: Week 3

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No, that isn't my hand. This is the only version of the photo I could find online.

Holy crap, have we really gone through another week of watching these shows? Indeed, we did. And because some of them are turning out to be extraordinarily lame (I’m looking at you, Shark Tank!), I’m going to be switching things up a little bit. I’m getting rid of some of the dead weight, just like the fatties on The Biggest Loser — but only to make room for some of the awesomeness that debuts later this season.

Have a show you want me to follow? Post your suggestion in the comments section, and I’ll consider adding it to my TiVo.

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American Idol. This week, we had Shania Twain in Chicago and Kristin Chenoweth in Orlando — and reportedly, Simon and Randy were super hungover from partying the night before. If I had to listen to a bunch of pimpley-faced, no-talent zeroes begging for their big breaks for hours on end, I’d hit the bottle too. In fact, I hit the bottle and I don’t have any of those excuses. That, my friends, is dedication.

Who to root for: Paige, the girl who had an asthma attack and almost died (prior to coming on the show). She did her thing, sang A Change is Gonna Come and Simon said no. Everyone else said yes, so she moved onto Hollywood week (but not before whipping out her inhaler and taking a few hits). See also, Seth Rollins, the guy who has an autistic son. There seems to be a formula to this. Have a retard in your family? Are you too pathetic for words? Then come get your golden ticket, buddy, because you’re through to Hollywood!

Worst of the week: Brian Crause, the Army guy from Pittsburgh. Was he serious about that audition? Is he that out of touch with reality? Or was it all a joke? If that guy honestly thought he sounded good, I fear for the future of humanity.

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The Bachelor. (Mondays, 8pm on ABC) This week, we got to see Jake cry like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten when he went bungee jumping on his individual date with Vienna. Aw, is Jakey-Wakey affwaid of heights? Get the hell over it! You’re a pilot, for chrissake!

Rozlyn may be long gone, but there’s a new bitch on the ho stroll to hate on: Vienna. People hate her more than they hate crazy ass Michelle, and that’s saying something. Speaking of Michelle, she got kicked out this week — BEFORE the rose ceremony!  Somebody needs to tell Jake that there’s a certain order of operations that need to be followed. If you can’t humiliate a girl in front of everyone at a rose ceremony, don’t humiliate them at all!

Ella, on the other hand, had a great one on one date with Jake in hour 2 of the episode. You know Ella, she’s the one with the weird face (is it possible to be half Down Syndrome?) and the kid (that isn’t Jake’s). At 30-years-old, she’s a little long in the tooth to be fighting for a man like this, but who am I to step in the way of fame whoring your way to true love?

Anyway, Jake surprised her with a romantic date to Sea World…with her son (Too bad they didn’t see this there). The two boys played nice together, bringing a tear to Ella’s eye. Maybe somebody poured piss and vinegar on my Cheerios this morning, but I think she shouldn’t be on national TV advertising her desperation and lack of self respect when there’s a child involved. Can’t you find love without dragging your kid on television?

Who went home: Michelle, obviously. Also, Elizabeth — and this one wasn’t too much of a shocker. This bitch was just as crazy as Michelle, but on a totally different level. She played (out) the “I’m a good girl” thing, and turned it into an “I’m a giant tease, with a side order of psycho” kind of situation.

Who should’ve gone: Lots of people think Vienna should have been on the next plane out, but I kind of like her. The other girls think she’s a selfish bitch for monopolizing Jake’s time so much, but WTF do they think they’re all there for? It’s not to make friends or to share Jake equally, it’s to charm their way to the top and walk away with an engagement ring and a contract for ABC to pay for (and televise!) the wedding.

Who to root for: I still like Tenley, and this was a pretty big week for her. She cried to Jake that she used to be married, and Jake said that it only made him like her more. I also like Ali, and Vienna is quickly becoming a favorite.

Best moment: Michelle getting sent home, pre-rose ceremony. She begged Jake to kiss her, and when he did he obviously didn’t like it.

What to look forward to: The next episode has them all pack up into a couple of RVs and hit the California coast. There’s more hating on Vienna, and something goes badly for someone — Jake actually burns somebody’s rose. Oh the drama!

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Celebrity Apprentice. More after the show premieres on March 14.

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Celebrity Rehab 3. Believe it or not, I missed last week – terrible crack habit and I just can’t kick the stuff j/k.  I’ll make up for it next week, or double your money back!

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Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. The more I see Frank up close and personal, the more he looks like another greasy guido from New Jersey’s taint. Somehow, this makes him more appealing to watch.

This week, the ladies suited up for a game of Bikini Softball — complete with slip-and-sliding into the bases. The girls picked teams old-school P.E. style, and Annie was the last one chosen. In a turn of events made just for TV, Annie was the one who hit the game winning RBI, nabbing herself the game VIP award and a little extra alone time with Frank.

Meanwhile, the other girls were stuck having dinner at home with Frank’s parents and his Uncle Benny, a funeral director. Jenny used this time to really turn on the charm for Frank’s mom, who totally adores her.

Who went home: It came down to a real nail biter between Crazy Renee and Jenny, but in the end Google did Jenny in. Apparently, she’s done a little semi-nude modeling, but if you look at the picture that everyone freaked out over, it’s really no big deal. I thought there was some sort of porn content there, but bitch is wearing a bra. By reality TV show standards, that’s NOTHING!

Who should’ve gone: I would have kept Jenny around and sent Renee packing.

Best moment: When Frank’s mom started telling Jenny what a whore she is for posing like that in photos.

Who to root for: Annie. She’s making for great TV! Did you see that Big Brother bodysuit she was wearing on her date?

What to look forward to: “Tonight, I feel utterly betrayed!” Who betrays Frank’s trust?! Tune in next week to find out!


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The Real World: D.C. This show was pretty much all about my Pimpin’ Panda’s adventures in Girly Town, with a little time carved out for Ashley and Mike’s fight. To be totally honest, the only reason to watch the show is Andrew.

Best moment: Poor Andrew. We’re coming up on week four, and he still hasn’t gotten laid. It’s not for a lack of effort, however. This week he met Alli, a cute blond from the bar, and took her out on a couple of dates. On one of the dates, he professed his love for her — clearly for the sole purpose of getting in her pants. It didn’t work, though, and she broke up with him via email the next day. Bummer!

Who’s hooking up: Nobody anymore! Ty and Emily look like they’re going the “just friends” root, and even the slutty bisexual boy isn’t hooking up. The best quote of the episode came from Mike, after Ashley said that she doesn’t masturbate. “Maybe you should start, so you won’t be such a bitch anymore!” LOVE IT!

What to look forward to: The redheaded girl whose name I don’t know (because she’s obviously not an important character in the show) has some sort of performance. Josh, the artsy guy, makes out with a girl who isn’t his girlfriend — much to the dismay of the roommates.

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Shark Tank. The episode for this week was preempted by the celebrity telethon for Haiti. Not that it matters, because this show kind of sucks lately anyway.

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Survivor: Redemption. Doesn’t start until after the Super Bowl. We’re almost there…in simple terms, The Tribe has Not Spoken – Yet.

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