Coffee Pot Culinary School

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Iron Chef My Balls. I'm a Guerilla Chef.

Schools hate anything that gets hot. Toaster ovens, grills griddles, but for some odd reason a coffee maker often slips in under their radar, and you’d be surprised how versatile a coffee maker can be in your culinary pursuits. I’ve cooked an entire days meals using just a coffee maker! Here’s how.

Breakfast . . . After “Bed”
Make oatmeal in the coffee maker by placing two packets of instant oatmeal into the pot. Run the water through the machine normally – about ten ounces if the recipe calls for the usual eight, and you’re five minutes away from breakfast. Sometimes however, I needed something a bit more special as a token for a night well “spent”. In these cases I would prepare what would come to be known as, “Special Attention Oatmeal”. Add an individual packet of sugar or some honey to the pot with an individual packet of fruit jam, and a pinch of salt. Place an herbal tea bag such as orange spice or lemon zest into the filter basket. Run the water through the coffee maker and into the mixture waiting in the pot. She’ll be back (In my case it’s mostly for the oatmeal, but I’ve no objections as long as the deed gets done.)

If adding some protein to your breakfast is in order, you can make hard boiled, or at least soft-boiled eggs in your coffee maker. Place the eggs carefully into the pot and let the hot water drip over them. You would think this doesn’t work but it does! Then let the eggs sit in the water for 3-4 minutes for soft boiled, and 7-8 for hard.

Lunch – “Sum Yum Gai” Noodles
Lunch? Ramen noodles is the hot nouveau Asian fusion dish and restaurants are charging upwards of $10 a bowl! Well at Café Hiroshi we have a Ramen “Ladies Lunch Special!” For a 19 cent per package reimbursement you get all the Ramen and Hiroshi you can eat (Both are Asian, delicious, and surprisingly quick!)

Get naked, put the noodles in the pot. Add just enough water to submerge the noodles in the coffee maker and turn that baby on (the coffee maker). Have sex. . .twice. The water will have run through the coffee maker in about two minutes, so you’ll have to wait about three more to let it really sink in. That’ll be in about three more minutes, so you can probably have sex two more times.
Drain carefully (the noodles! How much more do you want!) and add the seasoning slowly while stirring. Viola (pronounced “Wal-lah” . . .that’s always been so odd to me).

Won Hung Lo Chicken Dinner
Lemon pepper chicken with rosemary rice and steamed vegetables, go ahead laugh. I’m OK if it starts with a laugh just please let it end with a bang. Place cut broccoli, or asparagus in the filter basket of the coffee maker. Run water through the coffee maker several time to achieve desired tenderness. The softer the vegetable or the more al’dente the vegetable is served the easier the workload. Asparagus or broccoli is usually 2 runs through, 3 max. Remove, salt lightly and place in plastic bag or tupperware to keep warm.

For the rice, place instant rice in the coffee pot, and rosemary in the filter. Run the appropriate amount of water, per the instructions through the coffee maker and then add the rice to the coffee pot. Leave the burner on until the rice has thoroughly cooked and absorbed most of the water. Remove, and place in another plastic bag or tupperware to keep warm. You done laughing? No. . . ok.

Melt butter on a piece of tin foil using the coffee stand as a cook top. Once melted, remove and pour into cup. Put two or three thin slices of chicken breast in coffee maker (like one breast sliced evenly into three thin pieces. Add enough water to cover the chicken into the coffee maker. Turn on maker and cook about 15 minutes, allowing water to fully run through and boil the chicken. While the chicken cooks, mix lemon pepper seasoning with melted butter and 3-4 ounces of milk. Drain water and add milk, butter seasoning mix, allow to heat for about a minute.

A few candles, some soft music . . .

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