It’s Like Sky Mall for Vapor-Wares

Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend Ozzie Osbourne.

A Hamburger Blender? Jeez… I don’t want a protein shake that badly.   Oh wait!  I get it, it’s a website with all crazy fake, (as in not real or actually available) products . . .cool!

OK, so they got me for a second… Good for you Hamburger Blender <clap clap>.

The first thing I thought of when I heard the domain name was  – Gross.  It also reminded me of that ridiculous Hamburger Phone from the film Juno, which then reminded me of Snookie baffled by the Duck Phone on Jersey Shore.  I had to rest my head a while before diving back in.

The cool part about the Hamburger Blender site is that they combine some of those kitschy ideas with a parody of some very “Sky Mall-esque” gifts.  I mean, how much more ridiculous can you really get than a “Shiatsu Temple and Eye Massager” – But they do (however neither company offers a “happy ending”).

Weird or not, I'm still very turned on.

I wanted this stuff to be real in the worst way! My mouth was watering!  They even add insult to injury by mocking me with a shopping cart!  Imagination my disappointment when I couldn’t actually get an AnswerPen. $169.95  – A pen that gives you the answers to any math problem!!  Where was that my last six years of high school?!?!

Then, I saw the CelebrityFinder, a GPS locator for celebrities,and I got so excited to start crossing names off from my To Stalk list, but again only a tease.  Some of these items really prey upon the laziness of people, but even I wish I could get my grubby mitts on those Piano Playing Hands.

But alas sadly, these items are un-orderable.   Like I always say,  if we’ve learned anything at all from strippers and Billy Mays it’s that if it seems too good to be true, it is (look carefully around the belly button or under the arms and you’ll find the scar.  They had to go in from somewhere.)

Although there is no way to send ZilchGifts,  you can help that stupid friend of yours get the hint, and you can also rack up a ridiculous amounts of fake debt – just like our government.

And if you want to get someone an “Actual real gift”, they do have an online store set up with t-shirts and other items featuring images of their imaginary wares.  The prices on their t-shirts are much more reasonable than their gag gifts.  I mean, who would spend $899 on a Clothing Rightside-Outer when you can get a girlfriend for free.

Check out more of Hamburger Blenders Insane Vapor-Wares at


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