Five Actors That Need To Be Shot Directly Into The Sun.

Take a minute to think about someone you want to roundhouse kick to the face. I’ll give you a minute- -got it figured out? Good. Now imagine that person in a two hour movie being watched by millions across the world and getting paid $20 million to act like the same jackass that they have been portraying for the past decade. Have I got your blood boiling yet? Are you on the same boat as me, or in this caseĀ  -Rocket Ship?

Strap in and restrain yourself, it’s the five worst actors that are still somehow finding work and getting paid more money for a movie than you will ever see as a hard working [insert dead end job] who is blowing off work at the moment to read a masterpiece such as this one.

5. Nicolas Cage

Now I’m sure I can hear it already. Wait a minute John, Nicolas Cage was in National Treasure and that was good! He was also in Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas and that is why he is only number five on this list and why Cage gets to sit up front next to me. Forget any sort of positive this guy has conceived and just take a look at any of the other 50 plus bombs he’s starred in.

Bangkok Dangerous.

Matchstick Men.

The Family Man.

Ghostrider. God damn Ghostrider.

Basically the movie is Cage riding around on a motorcycle emitting one liners for nearly two hours trying to kill some guy named Blackheart and forget it I’m done. There’s really no point going into it because it’s going to be the same as every other Nicolas Cage movie. [Insert Edgy Action title] Cage plays Soldier/Vigilante/Treasure Hunter in search of Terrorists/Random Evil Guy/Treasure and by the end of the movie will have audiences cringing/sobbing/ending up on a Maury special.

This could be arranged.

Oh and guess what, Ghost Rider 2 is set to be done by 2011 and will be ready to fill up movie theaters across the country with WWE and monster truck rally fans alike, I can hardly wait.


4. Ben Affleck

It’s pretty much a running joke whenever Ben Affleck pops up in a conversation(re-evaluate your life if Ben Affleck is a part of your conversations), but early in this douche’s career it seemed like there was a lot of promise. Good Will Hunting was not actually terrible and it was Affleck’s first big time role. So what exactly happened you say? Well…

Chasing Amy happened. Armageddon happened. Pearl Harbor happened. Daredevil happened. Gigli happened. Surving Christmas happened. It goes on and on and on and on.

Bombs Away!

Of all the talent on this list, Affleck has easily been in the most box-office bombs and for some strange reason that only God and James Cameron know, he keeps getting hired. After the first 10 busts, you would think that directors and casting agents are going to think, alright if we get Ben Affleck in this movie it’s already going to be mediocre and if it’s a speaking role then it’s game over. Sounds good, give him all he wants and put him as the likable love interest/sailor/love interest.

It’s also a recurring theme to see these actors ruin superheros such as Daredevil and Ghost Rider. Those movies should have been balls to the wall awesome and what happened, Nicolas Cage and Ben Affleck happened. Thanks buddy, here’s $10 million, now go star alongside [cute girl next door] and be [attractive male lead].


3. Vin Diesel

This is the least gayest picture I could find.

An action lover’s wet dream and my dark nightmare. Vin Diesel, born Mark Sinclair Vincent, has been given the title as your average, typical action hero ever since his coming out in The Fast and the Furious. He played the bad ass that every guy wanted to be and every girl wanted. For some reason though, the whole shaving my head and riding in loud cars didn’t work out all too well for me.

First off, the Fast and the Furious is not a movie. It should not be considered a movie because all it consists of is your average douchebag(Paul Walker) riding around in his whiny, visually annoying imported car racing people just like him. I see this everyday in Coral Springs and dont’ need to shell out $8.50 to see Ed Hardy’s poster boy do burnout’s in his Honda Civic. The only addition to it is Mr. Clean minus the lemony scent.

I want this guy to drive really fast.

Following the “success” of the Fast and Furious, Diesel followed it up with xXx(the sequel coming out in 2011), two Chronicles of Riddick(with a third coming out in 2012), The Pacifier, another Fast and Furious, and Babylon A.D. If Diesel did not provide the voice of The Iron Giant, then he could easily see himself in the next spot, but alas every bald, box office drag has his day.


2. Brendan Fraser

We are really scraping the bottom of the turd barrel on this one. It’s like playing backyard football barefoot and stepping right into Spike’s freshest, latest dropping and when you look at your foot, you say to yourself: This sort of reminds me of Brendan Fraser.

From the beginning it was awful when Fraser was cast alongside Pauly Shore, don’t get me started, as Link in Encino Man. Initially from there we thought alright this guy sucks and it’s a good thing we’ll never have to hear from him again. Somehow though, Fraser kept getting work, it was minimal work and it was nothing special, but it was still work and even I thought that was too much.

He got his next big feature in George of the Jungle seemingly proven that the only role he could play was that of a anti-social caveman who could not speak proper English. That’s fine, keep him like that. The only good Brendan Fraser is a non-speaking Brendan Fraser.

Then the Mummy happened and it ended all hope of Fraser’s career ending as nothing more than a non-speaking jungle dweller. Now the Mummy sucks for two reasons. Number one: Brendan Fraser is actually speaking. Number two: That’s not the Mummy.

Of course that’s not Fraser’s fault, but who knows they could have had someone ready to be wrapped up in toilet paper and then Fraser comes in and wants a newer, edgier mummy. Forget that, give me Abbot and Costello and have them run amuck for an hour from a slow moving, moaning corpse. Thanks for ruining that Brendan, thanks a lot.


1. Matthew McConaughey

McConaughey and his girlfriend, or your right hand.

McConaughey doesn’t get the pleasure of riding in my homemade rocket to the Sun, he will get catapulted by my homemade catapult. I’m not sure it’ll work, but it will result in either McConaughey reaching the sun or going full force into my front lawn.

There is just so much to say about Matthew, but it can easily be summed up in a few words. He is the same guy in every movie and has been the same guy in every movie for the past 20 years. There is not a second dimension to Matthew McConaughey and once you have seen one of his movies, you’ve seen them all. He’ll play the male lead and will go on some sort of adventure or just be the average guy(either way he’s going to have no shirt on) and come out triumphant with whatever he needed to do and get the girl that he’s been swooning over for an hour and a half.

Kill me please. Well I guess that’s why I’m driving this voyage of destiny. I named the rocket that and I think I’m doing the world a favor, you’re welcome.

The movies to note: The Wedding Planner, Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Sahara, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, U-571….

Blast off.

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