According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the douchebag is defined as an unattractive or offensive person. I don’t believe this sums up the true role or merit of the typical douchebag, and does not explain the behaviors of said douchebag, so I shall go with the more appropriate definition that I found here. I summarize, the word scumbag isn’t strong enough because it’s associated with the less verbally offensive lexicon of male anatomy words, as opposed to the penultimate swear word – the one that rhymes with 4th and 10 on your own 15 yard line. . .yep. that’s it.
Now let’s dive right into some recent examples of douchebaggery at it’s finest.
Douchebag number one: Brad Ferro
Or maybe he would feel better if we refer to him by his dream name – Douchbaggio. Ferro became famous for fantasizing ut being accepted into the Jersey Shore click, (and licking The Situation’s Abs on a romantic beach by moonlight), but when he was ostracized by a well done female lilliputian, he cracked her one.
Mesmerizing isn’t it? While entertaining to the MTV demographic, this did not go over well with anyone, especially the New jersey Police. Ferro was fined $500 and given a six months suspended jail sentence. This is not near the punishment that Ferro deserves. Douchebag or not, the entity known as ‘Snookie’ is still a female and hitting girls not pointing guns at you is never acceptable.
Brad Douchebaggio’s New Opponent: Agatha Trunchbull.
Learning that Mr. Ferro is a hopefully soon to be “X” New York City gym teacher, it is only appropriate that he gets to fight not only a woman, but an ex-Olympic weightlifting champion. There is little doubt that the douche in question will be beaten and thrown into the chokey. Once the lights are out Trunchbull will have it’s way with El Baggio. Afterhence, his name will be La Baggia.
Douchebag number two: Charlie Sheen
I’ll give credit where credit is due, Charlie Sheen has been featured in quality movies such as Major League, Platoon, and Wall Street. But it’s been 20 years since those movies have come out and Sheen has now lived the life long role as professional douchebag. When he’s not making $865,000 an episode for pretty much acting like himself and pulling the same creeper face he’s been pulling for 25 years, he’s questioning the government’s role in 9/11 or injecting himself with cocaine or shooting his first wife.
On Christmas morning, when Sheen wasn’t busy stealing Tiny Tim’s crutches, he decided to go ahead and beat up his wife, Brooke Mueller, including putting a knife to her throat – reportedly a switch blade. A Switchblade? Who does this dude think he is, The Fonz? Sheen was charged with domestic violence, including second-degree assault and menacing. Typical douche behavior: while appearing strong on the outside, it is obvious on the inside that Sheen is softer than Jon Waters at the Playboy Mansion. Now I finally get it -he’s the 1/2. I always thought it was the kid.
Douchebag Opponent: Emilio Estevez
Keeping the family name proud, Emilio Estevez didn’t need fancy name changes to get ahead in life (but he should have) and is going to show that cocaine, guns, and pulling creeper faces will get you nowhere in a classic family brawl. Martin Sheen can tag in whenever – for the most part another male member of the sheen family that understands the unspoken rules and written laws of a society. Would someone in the Sheen family please kick Charlie’s ass prontissimo? Or do we haveto wait for Gordon Gecko to get out of prison with 30 pounds of attitude on his shoulders, a sore behind and an ax to grind.
Douchebag Number Three: Chris Brown
Chris Brown is just another douchebag who has developed over time. Stepping onto the music scene with only a minimal case of douchery, Brown hit it big with stunning, timeless pieces such as Run It, Gimme That, and Excuse me Miss. A nation of middle school, pre-adolescent girls found their newest 18-year old teen idol, while a nation of middle school, pre-adolescent boys who could not sing with a high enough frequency to break a glass or dance like a poor man’s Michael Jackson were forever ostracized and forced to find their “girlfriend” over the internet.
Brown had it all as a young successful phenom in the music industry and also had one of the hottest R&B singers in the game at his side – Rihanna. A mini Jay-Z? Think again! We were waiting for him to screw up and finally have some larger, more public douchebag breakdowns and we couldn’t have asked for more when we finally saw this . . .
. . . a badly beaten Rihanna, and it came out after an alleged fight between the two following the Grammy awards. Brown was sentenced to five years probation, six months of community service, and a five-year restraining order against Rihanna which requires him to remain 100 yards away from the singer at all times.
Douchebag Opponent: Shia Labeouf
One douche to another. One Rihanna ex-boyfriend to another. Shia should have no problem with ‘running it’ on Brown and ‘giving that’ beatdown and ‘excuse me missing’ all over his face. You can fill in the blank on that one.
Douchebag number four: Naomi Campbell
Ahh, a woman! Yes, women can be douchebags too, but the proper term for the female douche would be the appropriate “Douchebagette” and Naomi fills the role as douchebaggette very, very well. Campbell to some is known mostly as a model, but to the douche savvy, she is no doubt a douche to one of the most extreme measures. She is currently on this guy’s level.
Campbell is not only known for trying to ruin Tyra Banks career, but is Liu Kang when it comes to housekeepers/personal assistants/whoever gets in her way. She is famous for beating former assistant Georgina Galanis with a hotel phone, slapping and beating another assistant named Amanda Brack with another phone, and the most recent episode of housekeeper abuse on Ana Scolavino, who was beat with a jewel-encrusted cell phone.
When it comes to woman abuse, Naomi Campbell is the female Iron Mike Tyson. She’s Swarovski Naomi Campbell.
Douchebag Opponent: Lurch.
This is one housekeeper that cannot be screwed with. One who has seen more evil’s than any other assistant or butler, there are no phones that could take this seven-foot, mute science experiment down. Campbell will feel the pain that hundred’s of other assistant’s have felt at her hands prior.
Douchebag number five: Rush Limbaugh
When not verbally abusing drug pedalers, while phyiscally abusing drugs, or spewing political BS, Limbaugh is better known as being one of the most ultimate douchebags of all time. Thanks to his douchebag exploits, he was somehow able to win an award for radio personality of the decade for his daily turd on the Constitution and the sane American public.
Limbaugh has also accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson’s disease by saying his uncontrollable shakes are controllable and he is only putting on a show for the cameras. Sure. He has also claimed those of the African American race are “left behind” socially because they have been systematically trained from a young age to hate America through a widespread movement headed by prominent black leader’s such as Barack Obama. Alright. He also refereed to a then teenage Chelsea Clinton as the dog of the White House.
You were saying?
He also refers to the President of the United States as “a magic negro.” Douche. Freaking. Bag.
Douchebag Opponent: Me.