Reality TV Rundown: Week 1

Well, we made it through the first week. We’ve met the addicts of Celebrity Rehab, gawked at the women fighting for the love of Frank the Entertainer and heard Mike, the surprising show homo, admit to having sex with 15 women and 5 guys on The Real World D.C. No joke, I replayed that scene no fewer than a dozen times — you can practically hear the music come screeching to a halt when Ty says, “You’ve had sex with five guys?!” Classic. Freaking classic.

Oh, did you miss it? No prob, I’ve got you covered with some of the best recaps and show commentary that you’ll find anywhere. All links go to photos of the contestants (in new pages), so feel free to click away. Warning: the COED team is not responsible for any permanent eye damage caused by looking at the ladies of A Basement Affair.

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American Idol. Still doesn’t premiere until January 12. What, you can’t wait that long?

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The Bachelor. (Mondays, 8pm on ABC) Oh, man. How awkward were those women the first time they met Jake? One of them actually did the “there’s something on your tie…made you look!” thing. Who does that?! This week was fairly boring — it doesn’t get good until the women start getting possessive and drunk.

As a surprise twist, Jillian Harris stopped by with Ed, the dude she dumped Jake for on The Bachelorette. The duo helped him interview girls and weed through the crazies. Obviously, they didn’t do a very good job…Michelle, the neediest girl I’ve ever seen in my life, was given the last rose and allowed to stay.

Who went home: Here’s how you know Jake’s gay: he got rid of all of the overtly sexual girls. If they alluded to having a hoo-ha during their initial meeting, he sent them packing. Case in point: Channy, the Cambodian vixen who told him that he could “land his plane on my landing strip any day,” in Cambodian!!! You know what they say about Asian girls, man! And you give her the boot?!

I’m afraid it doesn’t get much better from there. 10 other girls were denied their symbolic rose, including Kimberly the NBA dancer (!!!), Emily the “fit model” and Caitlyn the “spokesmodel”.

Jake did throw me for a loop when he eliminated Kristen, who may very well be one of those ladyboys you hear about, who walk the streets of Hong Kong. Is it just me, or does she look like Alexis Arquette‘s long-lost sister? Given her penis-packing potential, I thought for sure she was going to take this whole competition! And I was excited about it, too! When she first came onscreen, I started yelling “YOU GO GET YOUR MAN, BOO!” at the TV. When she didn’t get her rose, I cried with her.

Who should’ve gone: Rozlyn, the model/makeup artist. You know how sometimes you can just tell that a girl is a total hobag? Rozlyn’s got that je ne sais skank that makes me give her the evil side eye. Never trust a girl with a weird way of spelling her name — it’s an easy way of telling that she’s trouble. If her parents didn’t care enough about her when she was born to give her a decent name, you can rest assured that she didn’t get enough hugs from Daddy as she was growing up…and you know what those girls turn out to be like (hint: it involves the Bang Bus).

Who to root for: Tenley, the “I was a virgin until my wedding day, but that was several years ago” divorcee. She put the moves on Jake right away, and was the first one to steal a kiss from the bachelor after her “I’m a woman with values” speech (and then she made all of the other girls jealous when she told them all about it! Take THAT, you bitches!).

Best moment: The previews for the rest of the season — who is the Secret Slut who has an affair with a production member?!

What to look forward to: The Secret Slut revelation, of course! The truth comes out next week, and I can hardly contain my excitement.

And the Secret Slut is: SPOILER ALERT!!! It’s Rozlyn. ABC was desperately trying to keep the info under wraps to boost ratings, but somebody let the slut out of the bag early and the info was posted on PerezHilton earlier this week. Still, it was pretty obvious — I had her pegged as the offending party as soon as I saw the way she spells her name.


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The Biggest Loser (Tuesdays 8pm, NBC): We finally got to feast our eyes on the fattest group of contestants in the show’s history on Tuesday, and HOLY HELL are they some big sumbitches! This show is all about shocking surprise twists that are never really all that shocking or surprising, and the first episode of this season was no exception.

To start, all of the contestants had to weight in before heading to the compound…in front of their families, friends, coworkers, bosses and neighbors. People must’ve been bored, because some of the contestants got on the scale in the middle of packed auditoriums. When you have nothing better to do with your time than go see some 500-lb man get on a scale for 30 seconds, you might want to reassess your life plan.

Once everyone had sufficiently gawked at the Guido who tipped the scales at 526 pounds, the contestants headed to “The Ranch” to start working out. As soon as they got out of their limos, each team was forced to ride stationary bikes for 26.2 miles, the length of a marathon. The last two teams to finish (Sunshine and O’Neal, Sherita and Vicky) were immediately kicked off of The Ranch.

In yet another surprise twist that nobody saw coming (those producers really like to keep us guessing!), one of the two eliminated teams will be brought back after spending 30 days at home. The team that loses the most weight in at home in that time frame will get to rejoin the cast and compete for the $500,000 grand prize money.

Who went home: Sunshine, O’Neal, Cherita, Vicky and James (voted off). James and John are identical twins that weigh close to 1,000 pounds combined. They each lost an impressive 23 pounds, but it wasn’t enough to keep them above the yellow line, body weight percentage-wise.

Who should’ve gone: There are two ways of looking at this competition from a contestant’s point of view: they can vote for who goes home based on who “needs” to stay on The Ranch to lose weight (newsflash: they all do), or they can vote for who goes home based on who they can beat out for the prize money. Now, I’m a money grubbing bitch. This means that I would kick off the fatter players, because they have the most weight to lose and the biggest shot of winning the competition.

Because the twins were identical, and they lost the exact same amount of weight (kind of creepy, actually), choosing one over the other didn’t really matter. That is, until we found out that one of the guys had an ankle injury, and can only work out in the swimming pool. As a result, the contestants should have seen nothing but $$$ signs and voted John, the healthy (healthier?) twin, out of the game. So, what did they do? Exactly the opposite.

Who to root for: Michael, the 526-pound Italian. If the other contestants don’t watch out, Michael’s going to run away with this whole competition. He started out as the fattest person to ever appear on The Biggest Loser, but he turned that around by losing 34 pounds in one week at The Ranch (a 1-week show record, by the way).

Also, Daris and Cheryl, the mom and curly-haired son team. Why? Because Cheryl is effing hard core. She’s the embodiment of the pent-up rage soccer moms get when they’ve been in the suburbs too long, and I dig her energy.

Best moment: Cheryl screaming at Jillian while working out. You could see strings of spit in her mouth and everything! Second best moment: Michael losing a record amount of weight.

What to look forward to: What else? Jillian making the fatties cry. And, for the less cynical, the body transformations that happen as the contestants start getting skinny.

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Celebrity Apprentice. More after the show premieres on March 14.

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Celebrity Rehab 3. The first show is always the lamest, as the stars are still on their best behavior/still high during the first day or so. This episode was no exception, although we did get to see Dennis Rodman spit some game at a few lovely young ladies (he stopped just short of saying “it’s not going to suck itself, you know.”) Ah, chivalry. It’s nice to know it’s not dead.

We did get a brief glimpse of what it’s like to be in the life of Mindy McCready, though! Sweet baby Jesus, has that woman led the stereotypical life of a hillbilly or what?! Her boyfriend almost beat her to death, got charged with attempted murder for it, and then she took him back! It’s like a Dixie Chicks song come to life or something, minus the revenge. On top of that, nobody in the house seems to know who she is or what she’s famous for. Bummer.

Most shocking moment: Hearing about Lisa D’Amato’s shocking family life growing up. Apparently, her mother dated several men who molested Lisa, starting in 3rd grade and continuing until she left the house. Wow. Also, hearing Shelly admit to Heidi (of course!) that she used to prostitute herself for drugs was unexpected.

Who to root for: Celebrity Rehab has no winners (is it like the Special Olympics? Even if you win, you’re still retarded?), but there are certain people that you can tell really have a shot at recovery. So far, Mindy McCready seems most devoted to the cause.

Dropout predictions: I’d say Dennis Rodman, but since he’s been ordered by the court to go to rehab, so he’s probably there to stay. We’ve seen previews of Heidi leaving, but I’m guessing she’ll come right back. Tom Sizemore and Kari Ann Peniche have yet to make their appearances this season, but I’m going to predict that at least one of them won’t make it to the finale.

What to look forward to: Mindy McCready’s big withdrawal seizure!

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Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. You’ll have to wait until next week for this one!

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Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. I started out with having big hopes for this show, and I’m happy to say that I wasn’t disappointed! Frank was exactly what I thought he was going to be, a little sweaty, a little loud and a whole lot entertaining.

And the women! Let’s face it: the ladies are the real star of this show. First, there’s Frank’s mother — also known as every stereotypical Italian woman ever. She’s domineering, loud, crass and gauche. Yeah, I said it. Plus, she keeps her couch wrapped in plastic! Still, you can’t help but love her. The other ladies, however…

Where in Jersey Shore reject hell did they find these broads?! What rock did Dana crawl out from under to get to casting? Her roots are like, six inches long! It’s never a good idea when your bangs are a different color than the rest of your hair.

Who went home: Kari and Stephanie, the hoodrat model who was clearly there just to get famous (how famous can a show like this make you, anyway?). They should have changed the show’s name just for Stephanie…it could have been A (Bargain) Basement Affair. Ghetto Fab, party of one!

Who should’ve gone: Frank got it right by giving Stephanie her walking papers, but Kari should have stuck around (and no, not just because we have the same name). The #2 chick to go should have been Mandy, the craziest bitch of them all!

Best moment: When Mandy started cleaning out their fridge. OCD much?

Who to root for: This is a tough one. I really hate Mandy, but I want her to stay on the show to create fireworks with Frank’s mom. If they brawl, my money’s on Mandy…you’ll never win in a fight against a crazy person. They bite.

On the other hand, Annie is a freaking gem (and the clear underdog). How do you not root for a girl like her? Yeah, it looks like she let her slow 6-year-old sister cut her bangs, but she makes for good TV.

Who will win: Jennifer, obviously. She’s gorgeous, well-spoken and waaay too good to be on this show. Maybe she thought she was trying out for The Bachelor?

What to look forward to: The crazy antics of the crazy women, of course. Next week, somebody tries to hide vodka in a water bottle, and Frank’s mom finds out. Who was trying to get crunk at Frank’s mom’s house?! I have a couple of ideas (hint: all of them), but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out for sure.


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The Real World: D.C. I have to admit, I thought this season was going to be uber lame. Hell, it still might be, I really don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve fallen in love with Andrew, the horny cartoonist kid who tries to have sex with every girl he sees. He lies, he touches inappropriately and he’s weaseled his way into my heart. Two nanoseconds after Callie told him she wasn’t interested in sleeping with him, he was out at the club meeting bitches to bring home. You’ve got to appreciate that kind of dedication to the cause. If our politicians put forth 1/2 of the effort into their work as this kid does to get laid, we’d have had world peace about 15 minutes ago.

What to watch for: There are all kinds of things to watch for this season: Emily and Ty hooking up, The Pimpin’ Panda, Mike rolling around on the pool table with another dude…wait, maybe not that so much.

Best moment: Watching as the roommates totally ruined Andrew’s chances of having sex with that girl from the bar. The Pimpin’ Panda was pissed!

Who’s hooking up: Things are looking pretty good between Ty and Emily — it’s only episode two, and already they’re sleeping in the same bed. Andrew tried unsuccessfully to hook up with both Emily and Callie, then moved on to some Mystery Chick he brought home from the bar. Mike brought home some dude named Robby, and they went at it on the pool table while I dry heaved in the corner (the remote was out of reach, so changing the channel wasn’t an option).

What to look forward to: On the next episode, Ty and Emily get into a flirty fight…and then she spits in his face. From what I understand, things go downhill from there.

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Shark Tank. I watch this show because I like to get drunk and judge others (a full-time job for WASPy women like myself). Is there anything better to do on a Friday night when you’re snowed in? HELL NO! As soon as 9pm rolled around, I poured myself a pint glass full of Maker’s Mark Manhattan (extra cherry juice!) and sat at the edge of my seat.

Deal of the night: The creators of Hell’s Bells Helmets walked away with $500,000 — in exchange for 50% of the company. If there’s one thing this show has taught me, it’s get a patent. Patent everything you possibly can, because eventually you’ll be able to sell one of them for a half million dollars. Or, in this case, half of a patent for half a million dollars. Damnit, why am I even sitting here typing this out? I should be inventing crap and making money like The Federal Reserve.

Delusional douchebag of the night: Hands down, this award goes to the InkFlip dude. Think of it as Netflix for your printer cartridges, only not as cost effective and approximately 98% more lame. The guy wanted $150,000 in exchange for 20% of the company. After they were finished laughing hysterically, the sharks kicked him out of the room. Like a good bourbon, rejections of this magnitude are meant to be savored.

What to look forward to: More rejections, more opportunities for struggling inventors and more Maker’s Mark, please.

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Survivor: Redemption. CAST ANNOUNCEMENT UPDATE COMING THIS WEEK! WOO HOO!

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