Knob Creek is the home of the largest military weaponry show and machine gun shoot. It’s located, I sh!t you not, in Bullit County Kentucky. This is where good ol’ folks like to blow things up REAL GOOD. I spent a weekend at this blessed event. And here’s some weaponry fun you can have.
Like a giant video game, the shooting range is scattered with shot-up cars, large wooden spools and, for some reason, ovens. Large American flags flap proudly over the shooting area. Safety standards are an afterthought. A spray-painted red line designates where the large, surging crowd should stand as numerous assault weapons spray bullets. One guy fires too soon, spraying bullets just feet in front of him. A loaded clip falls out of the magazine of another. Shells fly everywhere. The orange-shirted security personnel are the only people without guns.
Three vendors rent a multitude of assault weapons and machine guns — everything from M16s to AK47s. It’s time to blow some sh!t up!
Dangerous Fun #1: The Fire Monster
I wait in line behind a pimply-faced kid with braces in a “Skynyrd Kicks Ass” T-shirt.
“Come on! It’s a once in a lifetime thing,” he begs, trying to convince his pimply-faced friend to shoot.
“Which gun is the most fun?” I scream at guy with a long beard handing out loaded clips. He recommends the Fire Monster.
I lean hard into the weapon.
“Put the flipper on 20, and you’re ready to rock-and-roll!” says the old pro
Blam! Holy sh!t! I feel like Chow Yun Fat in Hard Boiled. It’s like having a flippin’ tank on your shoulder. Dirt flies from the ground like mini landmines. The firepower thrusts me back. The bearded man puts his hand on my back. I feel downright giddy after the Fire Monster. I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing.
“God bless you,” I say, handing the man back his Fire Monster.
Dangerous Fun #2: Uzi
I’m spotted as a repeat customer. Compared to the Fire Monster the Uzi is like shooting through butter. There’s very little kick as I spray around the targets with a sea of bullets.
“Take that, bitch!” I scream blasting bullet-riddled cars and ovens.
The Uzi jams. A guy in a white Panama hat comes over, adjusts the weapon, and it’s back to rapid-fire shooting. The whole thing is over in 20 seconds. I hand the Uzi back to the guy with the beard.
“I got to get one of these for school,” I mumble. “F**king teachers.” I feel like such a sportsman.
Dangerous Fun #3: The Jungle Walk
With the Jungle Walk, you run through the woods on a muddy path, with a fully loaded assault weapon, trying to shoot 18 different stationed targets while being timed with a stopwatch. I think this event was organized by the genius who invented “running through the house with scissors.”
Approaching a handwritten banner reading “Kill Charlie,” with a drawing of a Vietnamese man, I sign up with an old guy wearing glasses, named Bob. He sits next to a skull propped on a stick with the words “Yank You Die.” The Jungle Walk is Bob’s weird `Nam war flashback?
The commando gives us a quick briefing, screaming due to the blasts of gunfire. Everyone strains to listen.
“If you want to be John Wayne, that’s up to you. Lean into it, across your body,” he advises, pointing the Uzi directly at my face. Just then a gun goes off in the woods behind him.
It scares the living f**k out of me! Momentarily I see my life pass before my eyes.
“This is for you guys!” the commando screams again.
I’m up after three yobs from Cleveland. We’ll each get 50 rounds to fire. I put the second clip in my back pocket. Bob stands behind me with a stopwatch.
I take off running with my loaded Uzi. Bob runs behind me with his ticking stopwatch. I forgot to mention, Bob has horrible scars all over his arms
“Look through the sight,” coaches horribly arm-scarred Bob. I fire at a metal plate attached to a tree. Sprinting to the next station, I blast some cans on top of poles. A hot shell flies out of the Uzi, hitting me in the neck. I’m hit! I’m actually wounded by flying shrapnel! Being a brave soldier, I run to the final station with a bloody neck. Arm-scar Bob close behind; just me and Bob, alone in the woods! How would they react if shots were fired and Bob didn’t come out of the woods?!