The 5 Worst Things About Deflowering a Virgin

“Virgins. I love ’em. No diseases, no loose as a goose V-jay, no skank. No nothin. Just pure pleasure.”

Thus begins Larry Clark’s 1995 film Kids, in which the main character, Telly, is a cherry popping fiend. From this movie to the Virgin Mary to (most recently) Natalie Dylan, virgins have been endlessly idolized throughout history, not only as symbols of purity and innocence, but as things that are also awesome to put your d*ck in. And for some of the reasons outlined by Telly, this idolization makes a bit of sense. Sure, they don’t have diseases, and yeah, their vaginas are tight. But the ‘pleasure’ aspect of that laundry list? Hardly! F*cking virgins is way more headache than its worth and than it has EVER been made out to be. Here are the five worst things about deflowering a virgin.

1. The Bleeding

The term ‘deflower’ originates from the act of breaking a girl’s hymen, or ‘flower’, which is a part of the vagina that is destroyed when it is first penetrated… Okay, YUCK! Was that enough disgusting biology talk for you? No? Well get ready, because when the cherry pops, the blood flows. Back in the day, when a virgin wife was all the rage and men used to hang bloody sheets out of their windows to publicly announce a deflowering, first-time sex bleeding was important. But now, centuries later, all a deflowering leaves you with is a bloody dong and an unnecessary trip to the dry cleaners. No thanks!

2. The Crying

“Big deal,” you’re thinking. “As long as that sh*t’s tight, I can deal with a case of Rudolph d*ck.” Well Captain Disgusting, here’s a little thing that women face during sex that men don’t: pain. As in, when you force their vaginas to dilate by putting your penis in it, it hurts them. As life goes on, and as more sex is had, this pain becomes less intense and less enduring. Some even learn to enjoy it. However, the first time it happens, unless you’re hung like a Japanese toddler, it hurts like a motherf*cker. Consequently, unless this lucky lady has an abnormally high threshold for pain, she will cry. And unless you’re a sadist, you’ll feel weird about it.

3. The Responsibility

Women view sex somewhat differently than men. You’ll be hard pressed to find many female porn addicts, or chicks that masturbate three times a day, or, for that matter, any girls who really love to f*ck virgin dudes. In this same way, and for the reasons outlined so far, women deal with losing their virginity far more emotionally than men. If you’re not careful with how you treat a girl during and after her first sexual encounter, you could sexually scar her for life, which is completely mean. Seriously, you’ve got a bizarre virgin fetish, but that doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole. Call her up, treat her right, and pay for her therapy/abortion if necessary.

4. The Parents

Ever had to shake a man’s hand, look him in the eye, smile, and the whole time have the thought “I stole your daughter’s virginity” running circles through your brain? Ever thought “Oh man, does he know? Did she tell him?! Can he read it on my face???” Post cherry popping parental interactions suck, and are also kind of unavoidable. The best way to deal with them is straight up honesty. Tell them the truth! You might get a black eye or lost a car windshield, but chances are you’ll get to avoid #5. Priceless.

5. The Exit (Breaking Up)

This ties in a bit with #3 and #4. Unless you’re some virgin loving millionaire who can just pay to pop, chances are you’ve had to work really hard on this girl and earn her trust before you could convince her to cash in the V-card. Hope it was all worth it, because now you’ve got yourself a regular old relationship with a regular old vagina. When it comes time to move on — when your craving for another virgin becomes too strong — you’ve got the stickiest breakup of a lifetime on your hands. You deflowered her. You took that which can never be taken again. You think if you just stop calling she’ll be cool with it and move on? Dude, no. If you want a smooth breakup, the safest bet is to change towns, get a new cellphone number, delete your Facebook account and, essentially, go underground for six months to a year. Remember to keep that therapy money flowing though. You don’t want to be jerk or anything.

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