How To Hurt Children

Once you’re an adult, Christmas pretty much just becomes a time to give kids a bunch of crap they probably don’t need. So once you’re done thoroughly spoiling them this holiday season, it’s time to teach the little buggers a lesson.  Now, hurting a kid is not as easy as you might think. Much like blinding a puppy, it takes a bit of planning and preparation.

THINGS NEEDED:
-A kid
-A sharp stick
-A book on psychological torture
-A comfortable chair
-An array of delicious snacks and cakes

METHOD ONE: The Sharp Stick To The Eye

Take a fair amount of time picking the kid which you want to hurt. They could be fat or thin, tall or short. Once selected, Place them in a chair. Take a sharpened stick and proceed to jam it in their eye. Repeat if necessary.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD TWO: Psychological Damage

Pick a new kid this time. If you don’t know many kids, call a friend or neighbor to assist you. Place the kid in a chair. No matter what they try to do, call them “stupid”. Do this until they bust into tears. Then do it some more. Repeat the process if necessary. In preparation, practice on a doll.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD THREE: Piano Drop

This time, use the same kid you poked in the eye with a sharp stick. Take this kid outdoors and make the kid stand on a spray-painted X on the ground, next to the side of a cliff. Tell the kid not to move, or else you’ll jam another stick in their eye. On top of the cliff, already waiting for you is a piano. Push the piano over the edge and on to the kid below. If you don’t have a piano, you might want to try a large anvil.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD FOUR: Pet Torture

This might be a bit tricky; find a kid you has a pet they simply adore. Take the kid and place them in a chair. At the other end of the room, you should have the kid’s adored pet. Take the pet, along with the sharp stick from Method One, and jam the stick in the pet’s eye. Here’s the twist; by hurting the pet, you in turn, will also hurt the kid!

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD FIVE: Explosives

If the kid from Methods One and Three, has happened to survive the stick in the eye and being crushed by a piano, here’s another sure fire way to hurt them; explosives. Take the kid. Place them in a chair. Light a stick of dynamite. Leave the room. Wait for the dynamite to explode. Reenter the room. Laugh.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

There are an unlimited amount of ways to hurt kids, other than the methods suggested. We suggest you use the previous as a jumping off point. Good luck hurting kids!

(Image source: minimasters.ca)
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