How To Vacation Without Leaving Home

Aah vacationing! Traveling to exotic lands, seeing stuff, meeting locals. Just plain “getting away from it all”. But there’s one drawback. Vacationing can be expensive. This is not practical to those who are broke. Then what?!

Or maybe some of you suffer from agoraphobia (fear of the marketplace), and are unable to leave your home. What then?!! Not to mention the fear of flying and of course all those billions and billions of germs. Then what, then??!!

This is why I suggest vacationing in your very own city. Yes, be a complete tourist in the very place you spend your everyday life. All you need to do is look at your community with a fresh new perspective Here’s what you do:

STEP ONE: Change your apartment into a low budget European hotel.

You might think your apartment’s a dump. But, with a little work, it can have all the standards of a low-budget, foreign hotel. For starters, place a week’s worth of clothes in a suitcase, and select only from these outfits. Then, use only the cold water shower knob, enabling you to pretend that all the hot water is used up. Just like in Europe!

Replace your soap with really tiny, little soap. Make your bed and put a large, strange hair on the sheets. Place a small piece of candy on your pillow when you’re done. Pretend your creepy roommate is the shady hotel caretaker, who must avoid at all costs, or else they’ll rap you up in some inane conversation about nothing. Before going out, rummage through your belongs, giving the impression that the housekeeping staff has been searching your stuff. Set a list of standards, then rate your apartment on 1-4 star system. Have a guest book, where you can comment on your stay at your apartment.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP TWO: Act like a complete moron.

Go up to complete strangers on the street and ask them for directions to the largest tourist attractions in your town. For example, in San Francisco, I’d ask; “Where can I find the Cable Cars?” whilst standing about 20 feet away from a Cable Car. Also, carry a large map, open it, and start reading in the middle of crosswalks, whilst holding up traffic. Or better yet, on sidewalks, standing directly in the path of local pedestrians.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP THREE: Pay too much for things.

Buy a T-shirt and hat adorning your city’s name. Then walk around town with a broad smile. Get excited when seeing people in matching shirts and ask them where they’re from.

Then, sojourn to the most densely populated tourist center. Then proceed to buy something that cost four times it would normally else where.

Example:

BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE
Mission District, San Francisco……………………$00.50-$1.00
BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE
Fisherman’s Wharf……………………………………….$4.00

Also, have a caricature drawn of yourself, then lose it later on in the day.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP FOUR: Take daft photos.

Take a lot of photos of everyday things, such as; fire hydrants, Pepsi machines and buses. In a few pictures, place your finger partially in front of the lens. Have your picture taken with taxi drivers, restaurant workers, and people who work at museums. To the daily inhabitant, these cultural artifacts might seem mundane. But to you, the vacationer, they will be seen with rejuvenated enthusiasm. Ask a complete stranger to click your snapshot. Accidentally lose one of your roles of film. Send yourself a postcard, describing what you’ve seen. End the postcard by saying, “having fun. Wish you were here!”

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP FIVE: Get lost!

Get on a form of public transportation, but set out in the opposite direction of the place you intend to visit. Once at the opposite end of town, get out and ask people where you can find the intended tourist attraction. Have them explain the correct route four times or more.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

Win a Spot In The Drambuie Pursuit in Scotland!
Win a Spot In The Drambuie Pursuit in Scotland!
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