How to Ruin a Date

Dating in college is weird. There’s a part of you that thinks going out to a nice restaurant with that chick from your Finance class would be a fun, mature thing to do. There’s also the part of you that thinks having her back to your apartment to see if you can get her drunk enough to bang on the first date would be way cooler.

It’s these battling emotions that lead to some interesting dating experiences. The following are a few personal experiences of mine.

Showing Up Drunk Is a No-No

Last year I went out to dinner with some girl I met somewhere. I wasn’t supposed to meet her until nine, so around six I went over to my buddy’s apartment to hangout for a bit. There were a few people drinking beer, so I had one, then another, then six more…and then some vodka. Before I knew what was going on I was sitting across from some girl I barely new, inhaling Thai food and telling stories about hookers in Montreal. I’ve never seen a girl ask for the check so quickly after a meal. The date went so bad that I didn’t get a kiss, a hug, or even a handshake. I never saw that girl again in my life.

Don’t Insult Her Friends

One time I wrote my number on a Legal Seafood’s credit card receipt and the waitress called me the next day. I suggested that we go to Legal Seafoods because she got a 50-percent discount and I was poor. That’s right, I’m a classy kinda guy. In the middle of the meal she started getting text messages from her friend who just had a bad breakup and was really depressed. So, seeing the obvious comedic value, I started making the necessary jokes. “Is she ‘hanging out’ in her room?” “Don’t let her drink what’s under the sink.” “I hope she doesn’t have a balcony.” “Do you want me to f**k her so she feels better?” She hated me, but at least the food was half price.

If Your Fake ID Sucks, Don’t Try It

I was out to dinner with girlfriend one time, and because I love drinking, I decided to order a beer. Unfortunately, I was only 19 and had to use a fake ID. The ID was very bad, and what ensued was a parade of waiters, waitresses, and managers coming to our table and harassing me. They took my ID and threatened to call the police. This all happened in the middle of a crowded restaurant on a Friday night. “Why do you always have to drink!”, she yelled at me as I asked her for sex that night. “Why can’t we just have a regular dinner!” No sex or beer for me.

If She’s Ugly, Make Sure it’s Dark

We’ve all been bored on a Tuesday and agreed to take an ugly girl out in hopes there’d be a blowjob reward. I took an unattractive coed out one time and as soon as we walked into the bar I saw a group of people I knew. I suggested that we go somewhere else, and by suggest I mean grab her by the arm and pull her out the door. But it was too late. I was spotted and ridiculed for what seemed like months. And the worst part was that at the end of the night, after I’d been out with this ugly girl for like three hours, she informs me that she doesn’t hook up on the first date. Maybe the rule should be don’t date ugly girls at all.

So You Want to Funnel a Beer?
So You Want to Funnel a Beer?
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