With school’s back in session, it’s important as a freshman to establish yourself as a force to be reckoned with, and one surefire way of setting the pace and getting on the right track is to rule the beer pong table. Take heed, beer pong at college isn’t your typical Friday night beer pong back at home – college is all about diversity and nothing is more diverse than a game of beer pong on campus. On the other hand, off campus beer pong usually means townies and that usually results in broken beer bottle brawls. Hooray!
To better educate the future leaders of America about the treacherous terrain that is the beer pong landscape and to help the good guys know thy enemy, I’ve compiled a list of formidable foes to watch out for during your tenure on the tables.
Check out 12 Types of Beer Pong Players after the jump!
1. Supreme Ruler aka The Commish aka Tommy Technical
This rule Nazi knows his sh*t and isn’t afraid to call you out on the most minor of infractions. His dedication to the game is unparalleled and his fierce attention to detail makes the most anal of people mutter, “Chillaxify, dude.” Remember that scene in Big Lebowski where Walter flips his wig over Smokey going over the line at the bowling alley? You best believe that if Supreme Ruler had a piece like Mr. Sobchack’s it’d be out in a heartbeat if your elbow went beyond the table’s edge. Shut the F&*% up, Donnie!
2. Admiral Awesome Boobage
This chick has got titanic tater tots and isn’t afraid to use them. Pushing them together, pulling her shirt down, letting her partner squeeze, lick, and/or suck them, letting them hang, swinging to and fro – little does this chick know that she’ll be the subject of a heavy J.O. session later that night. Problem with this type of player is that so few of them actually have a rocking rack. Most times, the mams are too droops or too small or belong to your pregnant sister.
Two really sweet upsides to playing this type of player? A) Banking your shot off her bombs when she bends over into the cup to end the game and B) Having her show her nude boobs when your bet of making the shot off her headlights pays off. Good times.
3. Petey Postures aka Danny Delay-of-game
Seriously, it’s beer pong, guy – all the f**king gyrating and posturing and methodically measuring your shot royally chaps everyone’s collective ass. Rolling your wrist, training your arm, the slow bounce, standing sideways or on one foot, the Jason Kidd-like mini-prayer, even kids with OCD can’t stand all the meaningless motions. My favorite Petey Postures moment? When he plays against a kid who shoots the ball the SECOND it hits his flesh and nails every single cup.
4. Stranger Who Talks Intense Amounts of Sh*t Way Too Early
WTF is up with this dude? I just met you, you’re here because a friend of a friend of a friend felt bad for you, and people only laugh at your blatantly lame jokes because you either hook them up with choice pot/coke or have a hot girlfriend who brings hot friends.
These guys are the classic case of being able to dish it out but can’t take it. Make one little comment about his popped collar, aviator shades, or dynamite matching wristband/headband set and the game enters a stage of unbearable tension that makes Michael Jackson‘s marriage to Lisa Marie Presley look like Rocco Does Jenna. Outdated references? F*ck you, guy! The act that puts him over the edge and will most likely result in a table flip and screaming chicks? Mimicking his celebrations.
5. Larry Lasers
Hey, Roger Clemens – chillax! Hope you remembered to wear your cup ‘cuz this anger management case study absolutely loves to HOSE the ball at your cups. This guys sucks because he ultimately wastes a significant amount of beer by knocking the cups over instead of the more graceful and elegant no touch swish splash. Broham almost wastes more beer than the lightweight chick with herpes who takes a sip and then claims she’s too drunk or can’t chug and leaves about 18 wounded soldiers lying about. Thanks, I’ll just be dumping those in the hazardous waste bin now, let me get the rubber gloves.
6. Max Exxposure
I don’t want to see your dick or balls. EVER. Straight female nymphos don’t want to see your junk. What makes his indecent exposure even worse is if I hit the cup while his sh*t is out, does that make me gay? I once played against a guy whose girlfriend crouched down and licked his balls during my shot. Even Kobe would brick that attempt.
7. Lights Out
I’m not talking about Shawne Merriman – he’d fall under the #4 category. I’m talking about professionals. Guys who flat out don’t miss. They make the game totally suck! It’s so boring/embarrassing. No one wants to see the Pats murder the 49ers, they want them to exchange touchdowns until a kick in double overtime from 54 yards out sends the crowd into a riot. A sexy riot that might end in morning after pills.
8. Black Out Barry
If you’ve seen Beerfest, you know that Barry Badrinath plays better when he’s drunk. I, myself, get the first round jitters, so a couple brewdoggers help settle my nerves. Then, there’s the guy who is Lights Out (see above) ONLY when he’s semi-blacked out. This is the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude, in that he has no idea where he is, who he is, or what’s he doing, but he’s absolutely mowing down cups. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t look anywhere except at the next cup, he doesn’t even move his stance or positioning. It’s an out of body experience that keeps him in the zone.
Congratulate him the next day over an Egg McMuffin and he’ll look at you like you told him won a 5k marathon the night before. Black Out’s run begins as an unbelievable feat and gains an audience that is amazed he can stand let alone shut the other team out. I’ve been there once…I think.
9. Crazy Shot Carl
I’ve literally punched a glass pane window because of this type of player. Sky hooks, behind the backs, off the wall, through the legs, non-dominant hand, head butts, flicks, basketball free throws – these guys live for absurd shooting styles. They love to break it out right when the game is at its most crucial moment. And you won’t get a bigger crowd reaction then when it hits. Are they really that bored or are they just thrill seekers? These are the dudes who produce videos like this…
10. Silent Assassins
The complete oppo of the Stranger(s) Who Talk Sh*t Way Too Early. These guys don’t…say…a…single…word. It’s all nods mixed in with an occasional grunt. They shake hands when the game’s over. They quietly celebrate internally. They are the Barry Sanders of beer pong. And as much as the Stranger Who Talks Sh*t takes it too far, these guys are a little too modest for my tastes. Truth is this isn’t the NFL, you don’t have to act like you’ve been there before. Beer pong’s based on pinache and flair. You can let loose once in a while – just make sure you keep it comical. You taking notes, Stranger?
11. Freddy Got Fingered/Bro That Blows
Tom Green’s Oscar nominated film box office barfer proves one thing – dudes should not be fingering other dudes. And that can be extended to cups. Think about it – what separates the men from the boys and the boys from the chicks in a game of beer pong? 1. Ability to distract based on looks alone and 2. handicaps.
Chicks are allowed to have handicaps like fingering and blowing; however, beer pong founders and organizers are smart enough to encourage girls to blow because it’s ten times hotter. “Can fellas finger?” Don’t be gay, dude. “Can females finger?” Notice no one says, “No,” outright. We always say, “You can blow.” HA! If you’re a guy that blows, you’re sending up a flare that reads, “I enjoy the company of a man’s balls on my face.”
12. Larry Leanjob aka Matt Lean-art aka McLean Sandwich
Just as chicks are allowed to blow/finger (remember don’t mention they can finger!), they’re also allowed to lean. Face it, their arms are shorter and not as strong so they need that extra foot or so to remain competitive. It’s like the Ladies tee at golf courses. The worst is when you have the 6’7” monstrosity across the table and he basically leans over and phi slamma jammas it into the cup like a pissed off Shaq.
You tell him the shot will count but from now on, take a couple steps back. what does he do? he take three strides back and still leans to the halfway point of the table. Someone tell this guy to take a knee or something! If a dude leans and misses all the time, that’s okay. That’s like a first time golfer or an 8 year old boy lining up from the ladies tee, you know he won’t do any damage. What I hate is the guy who leans even after you called him out on it and continues to bang down cups. You’re not good, you’re Rafael Palmeiro.